Sometimes, life is kind enough to fill a need you didn't even know you had. Here, then, is a hip-hop video that stars Jake Gyllenhaal and Ron Howard for some reason. You're welcome!

The first batch of Watchmen reviews has arrived, drawing the geeks-vs.-trades divide into crisp, predictable relief. And while the critical haters are a minority, it's their box-office forecasts that could most alarm its producers.

This was quite possibly the dullest episode of American Idol in recent memory (and that's saying something!!! blah-blah) But at least there were cute boys! Well, one in particular. But the singing? Ick.

Fox just put in an order for two more seasons of The Simpsons, ensuring that it will exceed Gunsmoke's 20-year run to become the longest-running primetime series ever. Here's why it may never end.

You'd think so, if you paid attention to the crusty old American Medical Association, which is hopping mad that the dopey ladysad film prominently and frequently featured brand-name cigarettes. Though, none were ever smoked.

Hollywood continues to dredge up your beloved childhood memories and cruelly destroy them. The latest victim is The NeverEnding Story. The 1980s German puppet mindfrak may soon be zombified into a crappy new remake.

Today we have an unwitting star of a sex tape, a rocker and/or roller who threatened someone with a right bottling, a guy who's just a gigolo, and a terrible cocaine story involving children.

Ben Stiller reportedly flipped out over his Oscar script the day before this year's show. But the Joaquin Phoenix impersonation he came up with as a replacement was hardly original.

Oh, hey, look: Flailing NBC executive Ben Silverman just bought a reality TV project from Jerry Seinfeld, marking the 1990s comedian as the ultimate trailing indicator of desperation and creative bankruptcy.

His awards hopes dashed, Mickey Rourke could still change his mind about WrestleMania, showing up to battle Oscar the Barbarian—a 7'2" bald giant in gold bodypaint, whose signature move is the Jean Herscholt Humanitarian Piledriver.

Davis Guggenheim won an Oscar for directing the enormously sexy Al Gore doomsday documentary An Inconvenient Truth. What high-profile project is next on his slate? The CW's upcoming Melrose Place reboot. How did this happen?

One frantic 911 call and the leak of a very disturbing police photograph was all it took for Chris Brown to kiss his painstakingly cultivated image as America's boo-needing, Doublemint-snapping, #1 teen idol goodbye.

Unlike the rest of you, probably, I'm still watching Jimmy Fallon's webisode things that are leading up to his taking over Conan's Late Night desk on Monday. And, I gotta say, he's growing on me.

Jeremy Piven is expected to show up for his Actor's Equity hearing tomorrow to determine whether his "mercury poisoning" excuse was totally made up, duh. The biggest hole in Piven's defense? His exhaustively documented partying.

There's word this afternoon that overly-glorified teen soap Gossip Girl has been renewed, according to Little Miss Chris Rovzar over at Daily Intel, for a third spectacular season. Even though only twelve people watch it.

Oscar-winner Slumdog Millionaire depicts children dwelling in the utmost of impoverished hellscapes. The film used actual slum kids, but don't worry they weren't exploited! Cuz they're totally getting houses now! They'll be just fine.

If you are not watching the heroic men and women keeping our borders safe in the dramatic ABC show Homeland Security, then realize that you are missing the single most asinine show on television.

Real Housewives alert! They're getting closer! Though still in the Hamptons, the wan, gauzy summer is drawing to a close and soon they'll be back in our beloved Manhattan, shedding wrinkly skin like first snowfall.

Today we have a rock star who has drug parties, a sad old model, and two Oscar after party events: one racist, the other sort of funny.

If you read Gatecrasher today, you can see the seeds of Chris Brown's would-be image rehabilitation. Step 1, make the singer look remorseful for reportedly attacking Rihanna. Step 2, blame the victim.