Queer people are always causing all the problems on The Real World. Like how transsexual Katelynn goes go-go dancing instead of go-going to birthday parties. And how Pedro like died and stuff.

The never-ending parade of miseries that is Joaquin Phoenix's is-he-or-isn't-he trip from retiring actor to budding rapper rumbles on. In this chapter, he fights a heckler at a Miami show.

Today we have a lesbian with a man-cheating fiance, an underwear collecting star, a jealous career-ruining wife, and a TV love triangle.

And so the final 13 begins. With both bangs and whimpers. There were some pleasant surprises (go Kris Allen!) and some predictable disappointments (fail, Danny Gokey). Let's discuss further after the jump.

Nickelodeon has finally read the internet. A week too late. They sent an urgent memo out today, recognizing their dumb mistake in keeping girlfriend-beater Chris Brown among the nominees for their Kids' Choice Awards.

Once more unto the beach, dear friends. Well, sorta. There was some actual New York City adventure on RHoNYC last night, but some people were still mired in the Hamptons. As always, disasters struck.

Today is: Gay Utah finds a new prom queen, Non-Gay Utah hates freedom, Sahara continues to hemorrhage money, Twilight newz!!, and frigging Octomom.

Last Thursday, D.L. Hughley's unnecessary CNN show was canceled. Yesterday, the David Alan Grier-anchored Chocolate News ended forever. Is it possible—even in this Obama era—America's not ready for bad TV?

Today we have a celebrity Apprentice who's a complete drunk, a singer with a foot fetish, a pill-popping actress, and a gigolo who went from men to women.

However much Michael Jackson hopes to make off the auction of this creepy poem of his, engraved into a marble slab, it can't be worth the damage to what's left of the singer's reputation.

[Britney Spears on vacation in Miami; image via Splash]

How does James Franco manage to take classes at both NYU and Columbia while penning a book while keeping his acting career going? Evidently only with lots of naps.

The City is still on the air! Can you believe it? New York City still swirls on, while its idiot denizens wear hats and talk about modeling and bands. And fashion! I just fell down.

Michael J. Fox is working again. As is Rebecca Romijn. Sean Penn and Melissa Leo make post-Oscar plans, and a great stage vet gets a potentially good role.

Today we have a model who got burnt, a hook-hiring hunk, an actor who is secretly broke, another actor choosing between friends, and two young stars who like to get really, really high together.

[Audrina Patridge of "The Hills" at LAX today; image via Bauer-Griffin]

Burns, the meticulous documentarian who chronicles various lives and movements in American history, has been cut loose by the extremely imperiled GM, after twenty-two years of sponsorship. He's not the only American dreamer they've dropped.

Mondays are best spent piecing together the ruin that followed in the weekend's wake. Recovering the satellites, analyzing the soil samples. And looking at the box office receipts! This week: Disappointment haunted all their dreams.

Everyone everywhere is mad about Terminator. Ashlee Simpson continues to plague us, as does The View. More film work for Tracy Morgan! And Julia Roberts too.

Today we have a plastic surgery-riddled pop star, a star who steals everything that's not bolted down, a movie belittled because of its tween status, and and 'Old Hollywood' star who sold LSD.