The City is still on the air! Can you believe it? New York City still swirls on, while its idiot denizens wear hats and talk about modeling and bands. And fashion! I just fell down.

Many disastrous things happened to Bob and Carol and Whitney and Ted and Olivia and Jay and Alice last night. Whitney and Jay had a big fight and will never talk to each other again, because she spread her angel wings and returned to Mars where she will live, in quiet blue stoicism, with her true beloved, Dr. Manhattan. Jay's hair became the sail of a boat and he drifted off into the Indian Ocean, where he'll speak to dolphins and seals and strange, glowing anemones. The Wicked Olivia, meanwhile, just wouldn't pay attention at work. And when a big meeting came, in which she was once again dubiously partnered with Whitney, she bumbled and flummoxed and put her finger to her lips and went "bibbybibbybibby" while a sad little raincloud poured down on her. It was glorious.

What Went Wrong, Jay & Whitney: Jay's band, The Models With a Fake Band for a TV Show (which includes a member named Pottsy. Plus Junkpan Jake, Jalopy Sue, and Short Stack), were invited to go on tour like months ago, but he just now told Whitney. And, as Male Model put, lay-days be throwin' they panties up on stage for Jay. So how could he possibly stay faithful to Whittlz? The couple was already having big bad problems—The Affair of the Club, The Great Ex-Girlfriend Caper, Mister Magorium's Miami Emporium—and now he was just leaving, and he hadn't even told her until five days before he left. Ugh. Whitney stormed out of a restaurant when he broke the news, and off to another restaurant, where her galpals awaited, their farty glasses of Chardonnay dimly shimmering. They encouraged her to do what she needed to do, while the Samantha one quietly thanked her deities for at least letting her be in the show for the group numbers.

Whitney wanted to be empowered, like those women she saw on girls' club and Cashmere Mafia, so she spoke her mind to Jay while they rattled around her clifftop observatory. "I don't want to be with someone who sees me as a burden," she told the rumply-haired fellow. Jay began to weep and said it just wasn't the right time and that they should end things. Did Jay weep for the closing of the relationship? Did he weep for his part being written off the show? We may never know, until next week when he's apparently back. But he tossed his hair aside and walked out. "So you just walk out?" Whitney asked as she narrated what was happening. He did. And then she continued. "And now I stand for a while and look at the walls and listen to the clock on the stove tick. And then I go to the window and gaze at the blues and browns of Long Island, stretching out with houses and beaches and quiet lives moving forward. And then I feel happy and sad, in equal measure. And then I eat a cold PopTart. And then I lie in bed for the rest of the afternoon, the sun marking the day on the walls, like ghostly hands turning the pages of a book. And then I fall out of bed."

What Went Wrong, Olivia & Fashion: There was some sort of big Diane von Furstenberg event where Whitney and Olivia had to give an important speech about handbags. Whitney started out pretty well: "Webster's Dictionary defines handbags as..." while Olivia fiddled around with a digital camera and cooed at shiny things. Olivia Palermo is not a good actress, so her total "I'm not paying attention!" shtick just came off embarrassingly forced and even lamer than if she'd actually not been paying attention in the first place. Whitney brayed quietly at Olivia, hoping to get her to participate in the writing of the big speech. But Olivia ignored her further, so Whitney ambled on alone, like Heidi of Switzerland, into craggy glens and tors, searching for handbagberries.

As a motorcade of Secret Service SUVs and police escorts zoomed up to the front of the store, Whitney and Olivia knew it was time. DVF's Justice League was assembled and they all wanted to hear about the damn handbags. So, braver than she thought she'd be, Whitney launched into a stunning oration, bringing to mind the mighty Cicero or Pliny the Handbag Designer. The audience wept and clapped and some women tore at their clothing, in sheer ecstatic mania. And so, the outlook was brilliant for the Mudville two that day. The score stood Handbags 1, with but one more speech to play. But Olivia was not at all prepared. So she stuttered on and on about what editors want, incoherently. All of the foreign dignitaries looked bored and inside Whitney a tender kernel of joy began to bloom. An olive tree or a sage bush, nestled in her heart. Fairness and comeuppance did exist in this tattered world.

And so we head off into the gleaming, smoky New York sunset next week, the season's (and possibly series') final episode. Lauren returns in phone call form, and Jay comes back in actual Jay form. In the meantime, though, Whitney is left to ponder What Went Wrong on her own time. While she lazily stares at her dishware. While she stands perfectly still in the shower, for an hour or so. While the streets hum around her and suddenly she comes to and she's walked ten blocks and doesn't even remember. "Just how did I get here?" she'll wonder. "To this particular place. How did I come to be just here?"

And Olivia, poor Olivia will still mourn in her failures, we hope. And she'll be miserable and the whole town will seem gray and awful. There will be joy elsewhere. Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright. The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light. And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout. But there is no joy in Mudville- mighty Olivia has struck out.

Til next week!

Oh, and! Hah! Whitney was on Regis & Kelly this morning, and Regis insisted that the show isn't real. Terrific.