What is today, America? Lo, it's the day when Jon and Kate Gosselin make their big announcement on the reality show they have, with their kids, on the TV. This could save gossip magazines! We rank the possibilities, below.

Today we have a negligent flirty reality star, a TV actor who's doing stuff, another actor who's been weird about stuff, and a fourth person who's, y'know, weird.

Many Hollywood stars have come to New York thinking they could conquer the New York stage and many of them have failed miserably. Now here comes Anne Hathaway in her "first major theatrical production," playing Viola in Shakespeare's Twelfth Night.

Columbia Pictures was aghast when the latest script for the adaptation of Michael Lewis' Moneyball arrived. So much so that they've put the project in turnaround. Oh, and: production was supposed to start next week.

Toiling as an assistant within the smoldering bowels of newly-formed superagency William Morris Endeavor should, apparently, be its own reward. Because the $9.50 an hour the gig pays won't buy any other kind of reward.

Last night we heard that Jon Gosselin, the maritally-troubled* costar of Jon & Kate Plus 8, might be looking for a Trump Towers Place sex pad. Now a resident of said building has provided us with more details:

Guys, if you're going to go to jail for six months for movie piracy, please make sure it's not because of The Love Guru. Let poor young Jack Yates of California be an example to us all.

Not too much happening at this dreary end-of-week. Some good news for actors we like, and also some good news for actors we don't. Everyone loves fairytales these days, especially ones that are live action and self-referential.

Today we have a vainglorious and slightly nutty music bigwig, a radio host whose losing two prize jewels, and something about a divorcing couple who might be Jon & Kate?

Danny DeVito was a guest on Letterman's show last night and Letterman took the opportunity to ask DeVito about his most recent episode of public drunkenness.

A controversy erupted Thursday afternoon when Politico reported that Olive Garden was pulling its Late Show advertising in the wake of the controversy over Letterman's Palin jokes. Olive Garden then denied this. Regardless, the "Fire Letterman" crowd wants more blood.

Facebook's creation myth has left the building, or so we hear: Fortune is said to be readying an excerpt of Ben Mezrich's tell-all book and movie about the social network. And another publication is, naturally, trying to ruin the scoop.

The Olive Garden has pulled its ads—or maybe not!—from rapes-with-his-mouth David Letterman's late-night show about impregnating 14-year-old girls. Why would they do that? Because the PUMA crowd threatened a boycott. Of course. Wait, remember them?

OK, that's not what we're advocating here, or even talking about. What we mean to say is: Hey, look! Someone found the blueprints for the Real World's new Dupont-located fuckhut. The biggest news? There's no goddamned hot tub. Whither Chlamydia?

You ought to be! Sacha Baron Cohen's outrageous new comedy Bruno has dipped its balls on Great Britain, and early reviews are trickling in. The across-the-pond verdict? It's just a crazy good time. Emphasis, you know, on crazy.

Sure, people have made books out of tweet collections and websites about emails and fatty foods, but has anyone parlayed a lone Facebook update into old-media glory? This might actually happen, insanely enough.

Aw, they think they're people. Noted gay Neil Patrick Harris (How I Met Your Plot Contrivance) and his partner, actor David Burtka, are in the hunt for a surrogate mommy. They're using the same agency as Sarah Jessica Parker!

News of the entertainment world continues apace this dreary near-afternoon. Real Housewives reaches a milestone, Tom Cruise reaches an impasse, and Sigourney Weaver just can't stay the fuck away from aliens, no matter what she does.

Today we have a TV comedy star who really knows how to make romp in the sack special, a night-owl singer, a ditz who doesn't mind sniffing in public, and rehabbed celebrities vying for Parents of the Year.

William Shatner, looking bloated, red-faced, sweating, and acting as though he was either high or drunk or both, was a guest for the ages on Conan's Tonight Show tonight. God bless him.