Last week David Letterman posted his largest weekly victory over The Tonight Show since 2000. Last week's Tonight Show posted its smallest audience since Letterman premiered in August 1993. Is Conan turning out to be a disappointment for NBC?

Today Thomas Jane, the star of Hung, was on The View and he was molested just like all the other attractive males who go on the show. They're so grabby!

Ohhh tittery tee! Wittery wee! Blittery bee! Love is in the air in old Cancun, that ancient Spanish settlement of creeping moss and nightclubs the size of airplane hangars. Straights found love, gays found love, everyone found love. Except me.

Between the Wizards and the Avatar there's a lot of money floating through Hollywood right now. Vast riches unknown by the average shmo! Sure glad we have the Jews to take care of it for us.

So the Emmy nominations were announced this morning and mostly they were surprise-less. Nothing for the well-deserving Big Love actors, another nod for Tony goddamned Shaloub, and Family Guy in Best Comedy. Wait, what?? Family Guy? How did this happen?

Today we have a lucky actress who got to get it in with a "geeky dreamboat," a poor girl going on a terrible eating bender, some weird thing about a TV show, and an Emmy monster.

Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince opened on 3,003 screens nationwide at midnight and hauled in $22.2 million, shattering the previous midnight screening record of $18.5 million set by The Dark Knight. [LA Times]

Knowing, which features Nicolas Cage as an M.I.T. professor who cracks a doomsday code while emoting, debuted in the top spot on both in sales and rental charts this week. [THR]

Jonah Hill joked about his Twitter impersonator on David Letterman the other night. It's impressive he was able to laugh about the incident, because the prankster made the him sound like a complete dick, to other celebrities.

Are twenty-somethings fueling drunken Potter-mania out of genuine love of magic or just for the ironic Facebook updates?

Remember the 90's? The decade when America ran out of cocaine and was forced to go to the movies instead? Some of those movies were really good! So why did those filmmakers turn out to be so disappointing?

Are you still trying to write the perfect 140 character review for Harry Potter? Whatever you say, Quentin Tarantino thinks he could do it better. Also, they're going to bring back the Twlight Zone it will be the awful revision.

Oh, holy god. Remember when Michael Jackson's hair caught on fire while filming a Pepsi commercial in 1984? Well Us Weekly got the harrowing footage and claims the injury spurred his terrible painkiller addiction. His head just... catches on fire.

[That's 42-year-old "90210" star AnnaBanna McManna or whatever on the left with her two costars, Daisy and Maisey, filming in Los Angeles; image via INF]

Today we have a young starlittle who likes to smoke marijuana cigarettes with her parents (dunh dunh dunh!), a tween who got her tween dreams crushed tweenily, and an actress on a terrible crash diet.

Superagent Ari Emanuel, brother of Rahm, has been getting lots of glowing press lately. Remember when the New York Times genuflected at his altar on their front page? Now The Independent is breathlessly touting his plans to single-handedly reinvent Hollywood.

A source working at Comic Con tells us that organizers are purposefully putting Avatar events far from Twilight events because they fear a melee between the Fanboys and TweenGirls. Hopefully there will be enough
wolf T-shirts for everyone.

Oh dear. Hustler has produced the inevitable: Lindsay Lohan-based parody porn. The Untrue Hollywood Stories installment (trailer is PG-13 but the ads on Fleshbot are decidedly NSFW) follows Lilo's ruined trajectory (including a Sam Ronson lookalike!).

With the stink of celebrity deaths and recession wafting around us, we need a restorative figure of youth. A symbol of American virility. A man who, despite his antiquated views of women and Jews, can make America feel giddy again.

We know you've been wondering, "Why aren't there more romantic comedies inspired by Norse mythology?" Well, we have good news! There's also some news about the reclusive Jackson Family and Mel Gibson in a Beaver suit. To The Jump!