—TVGasm deducts two cred points from Adam Goldberg's hipster balance sheet for casting Haylie Duff and Holly from Big Brother 5 in his movie.
—Christina Aguilera removes all but one of her body piercings. Now when she walks she no longer sounds like a bag lady pushing a shopping cart full of tin cans.
—Are you a "BIG BODYGUARD" or EDGY/ HIP/ TALL/ THIN/ FASHION MODEL" type? If so, you could be in the next Britney Spears video.
—Writer Daniel Radosh reveals the real, semi-rockstar-ish sounding names of teen girl band Huckapoo.
—And the "We're Trying So Hard To Seem Hip That We're Still Quoting Swingers In Our Headlines Eight Years Later" Award goes to...E! Online, for "Ashlee Simpson: All Growns Up?" A representative from E! can pick up the award, a gift bag containing bowling shirts and wallet chains, at Defamer HQ at their earliest convenience.

The Superficial has some pictures of a frequent subject of ho-haranguing Defamer posts, but we don't want to tell you which one. Take a look to the left, make your guess, then click the picture to reveal the identity of the Mystery Skank. She's either a) recently developed a sense of visual irony, or b) so drunk that she thinks she's a hotel doorknob. (Please leave your "every bellboy gets a turn!" jokes at the nearest Motel Six.)

When we saw that both the LAT and Variety (note their nifty graphic at left) had stories today about legendary entertainment lawyer Barry Hirsch's bucking of a forced retirement to start his own firm (and taking along a number of high-profile clients, like Julia Roberts and Sofia Coppola), our heads immediately began to throb. Entertainment lawyers? They're like agents with the blackened hearts removed. So we contacted Defamer's legal correspondent to sort everything out for us, which he/she did, at length, no doubt tagging some studio for the billable hours spent on the e-mail:

We don't know who found this first or how old it is, nor do we particularly care. Someone sent us the link a few moments ago, and given our commitment to chronicling the Olsen Twins' every move, we feel it's our responsibility to bring your attention to Liquid Generation's Mary-Kate's Crack-Man game. It's even better than a hit of the rock on a breezy summer day. Enjoy.

Earlier, we heard a rumor that Paradigm was looking to vacuum up APA in its recent agency acquisition binge. Remember that, way back in the morning? Good times. Now we hear that Endeavor might want in on the action. That's all we know, but maybe we should ask the Official Agent Dance Mascot (that little picture of Endeavor's very own Ari Emanuel) about the rumor, despite the obvious conflict of interest.

Today John August, online dispenser of Delphic Oracle-quality feature-writing wisdom, tackles perhaps the toughest challenge ever posed to the Q&A section of his website. A humble reader is bedeviled by an issue that has flummoxed writers in Hollywood for centuries: screenwriter fashion. Unfazed, the Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle scribe disappears into his sanctuary, eviscerates an associate producer, and reads the steaming entrails to emerge with this nugget of sartorial insight:

A reader sends us another report of where local restaurants draw their star-fucking lines. This time, Beverly Hills lox pusher Nate 'N Al's demonstrates that they're not going to hurriedly bus a table for a B-lister just because his daddy was in The Godfather.

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent in by readers. Send yours to tips@defamer.com and let Vin Diesel know that you think he was hugging that buddy of his for a few seconds too long.

· New Line Cinema is planning yet another "Vs." movie, pitting Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash from the Evil Dead movies. If they can't reach a deal with ED director Sam Raimi, the studio will just continue to chase the horror fanboy dollar by pitting Freddy and Jason against Seven of Nine, the bald chick from the first Star Trek movie, or a gigantic jar of Vaseline. [THR]
· Warner Brothers is set to "revisit" their "classic" 1956 horror flick The Bad Seed, finding it far "easier" to "raid their film library" than to "have a new thought." [Variety, sub, req'd]
· Paul Sorvino will interrupt the WB's parade of young, brooding stars with a helping of mature, flabby gravitas as a future president on the upcoming Jack and Bobby. [THR]
· NBC Universal ponders axing Trio in favor of new horror or crime-centric cable network. But first munchkin NBC head Jeff Zucker will have to beat wily Viacom mastermind Les Moonves in a best-of-three-falls tofu-wrestling match for the broadcast rights to the word "crime." [THR]

Blog Thighs Wide Shut claims that Lindsay Lohan has already gathered a troubling reputation on the set of Herbie: Fully Loaded (which we think just started shooting this week). A specially appointed Task Force On Underage Boozing supposedly trails her around Hollywood, trying to steer her away from liquid temptation. Movies are expensive, and no one wants to waste shoot days waiting for her to heave last night's fun into Herbie's glove compartment between takes.

Blogger A Fly On The Wall hears that it was a constantly bitching, second-guessing Kevin Costner (and not Jennifer Aniston) that got first-time director Ted Griffin axed from the Untitled Ted Griffin Project. It couldn't have been easy for the rookie to get anything done with Costner loudly deep-throating his Best Director Oscar every time Griffin tried to set up a shot:

Rumors are circulating that the Paradigm agency, fresh off devouring Writers & Artists two weeks ago, is looking to snort up APA and continue to accumulate bodies for their new MCA building home in Beverly Hills. Can the B- and C-list client absorbing Paradigm be stopped before it resorts to scooping up every open-mic night comic and William Morris mailroom reject in town? Only time will tell. Developing...

—Mixed messages about the Britney Spears wedding plans: Page Six says the date is moving up, but something called NW magazine says they're calling the whole thing off. What's the etiquette for getting back our case of Cheetos if they don't go through with it?
—LAist shows us a picture of a urinal somewhere in Los Angeles, and we try to deduce which pop-star was famously caught masturbating in its vicinity. We don't want to spoil the fun by hazarding a guess. Could be anyone, really.
—If only Nicky Hilton hadn't had that barely-perceptible work done on her nose, maybe this weekend's cry for help/publicity could have been avoided.
—Our favorite sentence of the day: "West Hollywood leaders claim they are merely protecting their city's most identifiable asset by taking steps to prevent Los Angeles from hijacking the Sunset Strip's aura." [reg. req'd.]
—Courtney Love gets a trial date for her drug possession case. We can't wait for the hilarious explanation she gives for missing the trial. Taken hostage by a renegade Burke Williams masseuse? Cornered by vicious chihuahuas on Rodeo Drive? NyQuil overdose?
—Nicky Hilton Day draws to a close with a heartfelt poem from a fan.

We hear that the WB is picking up an another 22 episodes of Blue Collar TV, which their website describes as a "64-oz. Big Gulp of red, white, and blue collar comedy." We're not exactly sure how a show starring Jeff Foxworthy and something called "Larry the Cable Guy" simultaneously evokes a 7-11 and patriotism, unless it involves doing donuts in a convenience star parking lot in a pick-up truck and loudly suggesting that their clerks "go back to where they came from." Congratulations to NASCAR fans on extending your non-Hooters-based entertainment options for a few more months.

1. Finally put your years of cardio-kickboxing or Krav Maga classes to use alongside LA's best anything-goes couture bargain hunters at the Barney’s New York Warehouse Sale. It's in a hangar at the Santa Monica airport, so there will be plenty of room for storing the shredded bodies of ill-prepared extreme shoppers sneaking in from the Valley.
2. Unleash your inner spandex-clad, crispy-haired Poison fan at the Roxy, where Metal Skool's headbanging hair-metal cover songs make you genuinely fear you're going to wake up next to Tommy Lee on Tuesday.
3. If a tongue-in-cheek appreciation of yesterday's music isn't your thing, shell out for a very sincere scalped ticket to count Sammy Hagar's chins as a reunited Van Halen rock the Arrowhead Pond in Anaheim. Somewhere, David Lee Roth is quietly laughing to himself, but it's probably because he's really stoned.

After recently putting some of their evil millions into a 5,725 square foot dorm/vomitorium in NYC, the Olsen Twins have thrown down for a cozy, 4,000 square foot, $4 million crash pad on the Westside, where they'll stay during breaks from NYU. (The scheduled, between-semester kind, not the breaks that require constant publicist equivocations and a brief tenancy at Cirque Lodge.) Don't go looking for this latest Olsen Lair expecting a 24-7 party; Mary-Kate is in recovery, and the refurbished master bedroom suite has a steam shower where she will scald anyone who accuses her of being a buzzkill since finishing rehab.

The NYT spends "A Night Out With" Ellen DeGeneres and her partner, Alexandra Hedison, and discovers that Hollywood Power Lesbians Are Just Like Us! Being gay doesn't necessarily free DeGeneres from the problems of her straight, mansion-dwelling neighbors in the Hollywood Hills, such as having a trophy girlfriend that "dabbles" in acting/directing/photography to give the appearance that she's not sitting back on her rich meal-ticket's huge piles of cash, wasting her days tanning by the pool:

A reader saw our post about Owen Wilson's preferential treatment at Houston's in Century City and wants to set the record straight about that eatery's celebrity-coddling policy: It takes "star quality" to cut the line. Not so fast, Jennifer Love Hewitt!

The Star provides crucial information giving new insight into the twisted interpersonal dynamic between Celebutante Skank-a-lank Hall of Fame inductee Paris Hilton and recently-married kid sis Nicky. The whole tabloid-baiting, publicity-trolling mess was all Paris' idea! Defamer analyzes the state of the Hilton sisters' relationship in light of this new development.

· Knowing that we're all cooling on the anorexia talk surrounding Mary-Kate Olsen and need a fresh painfully-skinny-minnie to blow around, Calista Flockhart returns to the biz in the indie film Fragile. [THR]
· And for the aspirationally anorexic, Caroline Rhea will host NBC's weight-loss show The Biggest Loser, in which contestants vie to drop the most pounds using "medically sound" techniques. This safe approach precludes both the "Hollywood Eight Ball Diet" and any chance we'll watch this missed opportunity at extreme exploitation. [THR]