Beware, pet lovers: The webcams at Paradise Ranch are apparently equipped with death rays. Watching your dog while it's kenneled may result in a canine tragedy.

If you look really closely, you can pretend that you see Marcia Cross's tongue hungrily probing Felicity Huffman's ear. And where's her other hand?

Residents of Los Angeles, let us introduce you to Paradise Ranch, a local pet-pampering resort "so exclusive, it doesn't accept people." The Ranch will pick up your delightfully spoiled pup in the Mercedes Mutt Cab (pictured at right), a vehicle exclusively for ferrying the shih-tzu in your life to and from this canine Xanadu in air-conditioned comfort, with nary a rolled-up newspaper in sight to mete out punishment for pooping on the seat. Really, we could get lost for days on their website, but make sure your visit includes the "boarding" page, where the Ranch cheerily declares, "We sleep with dogs." Does the pampering ever stop?

When we posted the casting call for Brett Ratner's video shoot for Mariah Carey yesterday, we didn't expect that anyone would attempt to apply through Defamer. But, of course, someone did enlist us to help them make their connection with the type of fame that only a frame or two in a Ratner-directed video can provide:

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent in by our readers. Send yours to tips@defamer.com and let the world know that Kate and Orlando's hiking habits presaged their eventual break-up.

· Hey, starfuckers with wanderlust! Quick, get thee to the Land of Hasselhoff to see the likes of Keanu Reeves, Bill Murray, Will Smith, and Kevin Spacey hawking their cinematic wares at the Berlin Film Festival. [Variety]
· The New Paramount™ continues to spend, spend, spend, buying the rights to the gold-digging kids book Treasure Trove for Tom Cruise's production company. [Variety]
· Start your angry letter-writing campaign now: Fox reduces Arrested Development's episode order to make room for American Dad. Looks like the network has finally run out of patience with AD's ratings...or American Dad/Family Guy (which is being relaunched there soon) creator Seth MacFarlane has some incriminating pictures of Fox head Gail Berman. [THR]
· American Idol continues to bestride the feeble television landscape like an out-of-key Colossus, pulling in another 30 million viewers. [THR]
· Chris Noth's career comes full circle, as he returns to the Law & Order franchise (this time to the Criminal Intent flavor), giving the producers some insurance against future Vincent D'Onofrio "fainting spells." [Variety]

The TiVo is on the fritz, so here's our incredibly shoddy transcription of Marcia Cross's first few, damage-controlling, lez-rumor-denyin' minutes on The View:

At the New York screening of the Brian Grazer-produced Brian Grazer Presents: Inside Deep Throat, A Brian Grazer Production, Gigi Grazer (Brian's wife, stay with us) explains a surefire way to land yourself a high-powered Hollywood producer:

A reader alerted us to this photo after clicking around in the gallery that yielded yesterday's Super Bowl nipple slip post. Despite the sleepier-than-usual eyes and the array of beverages in front of him, Owen Wilson obviously wasn't too drunk to fulfill his duties as the self-appointed Hollywood Playmate Inspector (he's probably got that title on his business card)—all of the nipples on his beat stayed securely covered by bikinis.

While the Gawker Worldwide Blogging Concern's server were taking their tri-monthly crack holiday early yesterday evening, Marcia Cross' publicist was busy denying the rumors that the Desperate Housewife prefers the sexual apparatus of women to that of men to Entertainment Tonight. According to the flack, the whispers are "completely untrue," but Marcia is "very supportive of the gay and lesbian community." Apparently, the truth is worse than we thought. If Cross finally lands on the cover of the Advocate, she'll probably reveal that she's been living in a polyamorous Sapphic paradise in the Hills with three generations of television lesbian life-partners, with Andy Dick as her part-time rent-boy.

· The geniuses (we aren't using that term flippantly) who brought us Lohan Freestyle make a triumphant return with another certain hit, Jolie Homewrecker.
· Franklin Avenue's (and Variety's) Michael Schneider ponders the implications of Joel Stein's pilot for ABC: "What will happen to Stein's column if the show is picked up? It's just a once-a-week gig, so I suppose he could continue... but would that be just too much conflict of interest? Would you want a entertainment columnist who is working closely with divisions of News Corp. and Disney?" We're going to toss and turn thinking about this one tonight. [via LA Observed]
· When we saw Burt Reynolds' Super Bowl commercial, we asked the same question.
· The Malis in Wonderland blog bets a million bucks on The Wedding Date.
· My Blog Is Poop marinates in Swanklash, wondering how her movies might've been better if the real Karate Kid had done them.
· Trey Parker tells the Aristocrats joke, and it's absolutely filthy.

· Indie rock royalty Modest Mouse does the second night of its is back-to-back-to-back gigs (that's three straight shows for those of you following along at home) at the Wiltern. Once you've been sufficiently rocked, you can lavish them with groupie love at the after-party at Cinespace.
· While some former cast members of In Living Color are counting their awards-season trophies, others (like Tommy Davidson, who's at the Improv tonight) are still "keeping it real" on the stand-up circuit.
· In case you weren't one of the roughly ten thousand people that crammed into Skylight Books on Friday to see Bruce Wagner, Hollywood's favorite novelist son, read from his new novel, he and his celebrity pals will once again dramatically recreate scenes from The Chrysanthemum Palace at Book Soup. Make sure you bring some plastic beads to honor the Mardi Gras holiday. Bruce will love it.

A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity has presented itself, as curiously hacky director Brett Ratner takes a short break from his blockbuster feature career to once again ply his trade on the small screen. You, the SAG-card- wielding Hollywood hopeful, can work with a visionary in the medium that most fully exploits his cinematic gifts—that is, if your headshot passes the grueling "Ratner test":

It's not exactly Paul McCartney whipping it out in the middle of "Hey Jude," but it looks like Fox Sports did indeed get their nipple slip. Having it happen to a Playboy bunny almost disqualifies it...almost. Click here to see the uncensored pic, at least until someone at the Fox site takes it down.

When the Michael Jackson Trial of the Century kicked off last week, we had the creeping feeling that we'd soon be hearing stories about boozy, Jesus Juice-fueled nights by the llama pen from former child actor pals. Now it seems that the first inappropriately-wandering glove tale will come courtesy of Corey Feldman, a frequent Neverland guest during the rollicking 80s. ABC News teases our naughty places with a Feldman quote from this Friday's 20/20 episode:

In a letter in the current issue of The New Yorker, Owen Wilson defends on- and off-screen buddy Ben Stiller from getting pushed around by movie critic/big bully David Denby. (Click on the picture of the pals to see a scan of the letter or read the transcription below.) Unsurprisingly, Wilson's is a much more eloquent (and funny) response than the full-page attack ad that Rob Schneider unleashed on the LAT's Patrick Goldstein last week. Note especially Wilson's subtle invocation of the threat of violence, and contrast with Schneider's near-promise of bloodshed. In any case, we're witnessing a hot new trend being born in Hollywood—we're sure dozens of actors are learning how to write so they can publicly dress down unkind critics.

An eagle-eyed reader spotted one of our favorite hacktastic directors up to some suspicious activity on Sunset this morning (no, this time it's not Brett Ratner) and filed this report:

With all of the effort that the MPAA put into efforts to stop awards-season movie screeners from leaking onto the Internet (like suing pirates back into the Betamax era and issueing magical DVD players that can only play enchanted discs), you'd think that movie piracy had finally been stomped out. But we can't declare a Golden Age of Respected Copyrights just yet. Waxy.org has compiled a list of every Oscar-nominated film and the date on which intellectual-property-raping pirates leaked their booty onto the Net. Waxy claims that only five nominees escaped uploading, but reader comments in the post reduce that number to one: The Phantom of the Opera, a movie Joel Schumacher couldn't pay anyone to steal.

· Double-feature alert: There are plans to re-release Deep Throat to accompany the Universal documentary Inside Deep Throat on the [cough-cough] "seminal porn film." [Variety]
· Fox sensibly shits its pants and decides to move Fantastic Four back a week, avoiding a likely one-sided Fourth of July showdown with War of the Worlds. They're a lot less afraid of Bewitched, the new competition, which will likely feature fewer spectacular explosions. [THR]
· Now that Paul McCartney's buzzless Super Bowl halftime show has made live television safe for America, ABC will air the Oscars through 2014, and will shrug off the tyranny of the 7-second tape delay. [Variety]
· In an effort to capitalize on the runaway popularity of housewives in suburbia, ABC signs
Kristin Davis to star in the one-hour pilot Soccer Moms. The move also helps temporarily to keep former Sex in the City stars off the welfare rolls. [THR]
· Even after bothering to "reimagine" Jennifer Love Hewitt half-hour In the Game, ABC mercifully decides to finally put it down like a crippled dog. [THR]

Watch out, Oscar viewers! According to the LAT, the Academy is loosening the bowtie by a millimeter or so and letting it all hang out to accommodate the "hip-hop loose and in-your-face" style of host Chris Rock's "hip-hop-direct brand of comedy." You want in-your-face? How about nominees receiving their awards while still in their seats? Awww snap! And how about a little of that hip-hop-direct somethin-somethin: