Only the following five movies will get you laid on the eve of Hallmark's favorite manufactured holiday:

· MGM CFO Daniel Taylor will take over as president of the studio. The elevation of the studio's chief bean counter to the top spot makes it painfully clear that MGM is now officially Sony's money-printing bitch. [insert sound of a lion being sodomized] [Variety]
· The Oscar nominations of Finding Neverland and The Aviator have Disney and the Weinsteins again holding hands and skipping around the Maypole. [Variety]
· News that five people care about: The rift between the WGA West and WGA East is about to get all Biggie-Tupac over which coast gets what share of dues. [THR]
· "Script problems" delay the Crowe-Kidman flick Eucalyptus. You'd think they would've gotten that troublesome script thing in shape before everyone showed up to shoot the movie. [THR]
· Jerry Bruckheimer lures feature directors Andrew "The Fugitive" Davis and Simon "Tomb Raider" West to his TV
drama pilots, promising them they could blow up as much shit as they like on the small screen. [Variety]

General Motors has issued a recall for 193,000 vehicles because of "safety defects," including our city's most ubiquitous symbol of inadequate male genitalia, the Hummer H2:

Hey, when did Britney Spears get married? We have only the vaguest recollection of background dancing, illegitimate children, and buckets of the Colonel's finest. Her wedding photos have finally hit the internet, but the set is woefully incomplete. Nowhere do we see the army of prenup-wielding lawyers trailing Kevin Federline with a pen, or the altar where the orphaned Chinese baby girls were sacrificed to put Satan's infernal stamp on their union. Look for those missing pictures to appear sometime next week.

We tuned in to The O.C. to check out Mischa Barton's Big Sapphic Adventure (you know, the much-ballyhooed "lesbian" kiss—video clip at TVGasm, bottom of page), an event preceded by weeks of blue-balling, incremental plot developments.("Hey! I think Marissa and Alex just shared a meaningful glance!") The stage was finally set for Mischa Barton to do something memorable that doesn't involve primal screaming and the senseless abuse of patio furniture: There was a backdrop of gentle nighttime surf, lots of incredibly obvious dialogue about "the tides changing," and a hot actress who likely won't be around long enough for things to get too uncomfortable at the craft service table.

Fox Entertainment president Gail Berman comes down from the Murdoch Empire mountaintop to answer the anxious Arrested Development fans who are e-mailing her, afraid the show is about to be canceled after its original episode order was reduced. Of course, by "comes down from the mountaintop" we mean "makes her second assistant send out boilerplate responses while she kicks off early for a pedicure." Here's the short version: Watch more and we won't have to cancel it. Longer version below:

· Here's a little pre-Valentine’s Day gift idea for guys who desperately want out of their current relationship (or for guys who delude themselves into thinking they're going to get a three-way out of it): Take your girlfriend to Jen Sincero’s book reading for A Straight Girl's Guide To Sleeping With Chicks at Book Soup on Sunset.
· Get your fill of "burlesque beauties, catfighting cuties," and Mexican masked wrestling at Lucha VaVOOM 8: REAL Tough Love at The Mayan Theatre.
· Concert round-up: Blood Brothers do an in-store at Amoeba, Mountain Goats are at the Echo, and the Zutons play the Troubadour.

It didn't take long for an online campaign to save Arrested Development from a possible cancellation to crop up. The Save Our Bluths page on the Amazon Honor System is accepting donations to raise a thousand bucks to buy some "custom-printed banana stress balls" to send to Fox president Gail Berman, hoping that a day squeezing foam toys is going to make her ignore the show's ratings for a little while longer. Maybe that grand would be better spent supporting an effort to kidnap local, rosy-faced McDonald's fry cooks, in hopes of depleting the available talent for Arrested Development's likely replacement (according to an angry David Cross), America's Cutest Retards. Or, you know, trying to convince more people to actually watch the show. They don't keep American Idol on the air because it's a critical darling.

With the Nielsen sweeps period upon us and The O.C.'s most annoying character (Marissa, obvs) on the verge of her maiden voyage on Rosie O'Donnell Cruise Lines, the NY Times takes a look back at the girl-on-girl ratings stunts of yesteryear:

In the interest of returning our inbox to a manageable flow of e-mail, let's put this week's guessing game to bed, shall we? Take one more filthy trip through One Bottom-Line Blind Vice:

Now that Corey Feldman's been subpoened to testify in the Michael Jackson Trial of the Century, the big cockteases over at ABC News have finally given up some of the goods from the former child actor/Neverland survivor's interview airing on 20/20. We can all skip it; as we feared, among the shocking revelations from Feldman's televised chat is the deflating assurance that Jackson kept his Moonwalker inside his sequined pants:

It's easy to brand ABC's marketing people lazy, but it's got to be tough to tie a pretty advertising bow around the concept of "a midseason replacement John Stamos comedy vehicle." Why waste valuable Disney corporate man-hours coming up with something original when you can "adapt" someone else's already-referential tagline? It's only a matter of time before some goldbricker at NBC comes up with a "Same Friend. Different City." campaign for Joey.

· The House Energy and Commerce committed passes a bill that "dramatically increases" broadcast indecency fines. Way to go, five people that file 99 percent of indecency complaints! You're officially running the country now. [Variety]
· For those who prefer their Messiah roughed up, but not graphically brutalized, Mel Gibson is recutting The Passion for a limited theatrical release. Five to six minutes of violent scenes will be cut, and instead of a crown of thorns, Christ will wear an uncomfortably tight baseball cap. [Variety]
· Hollywood Out of Ideas, Scorsese Edition: The Aviator's team of Martin Scorsese, Leonardo DiCaprio, and writer John Logan will remake Kurosawa's Drunken Angel for Warner Bros. [THR]
· Hollywood Out of Ideas, What the Fuck? Edition: Producer Tony Thomopolous and George Hamilton are developing a sequel to the 1979 vampire comedy Love at First Bite. Finally, all those 25-year-old loose ends will be tied up! [THR]
· The Tom Cruise Book Club: Paramount buys another book for their golden boy, Christopher Reich's as-yet-unpublished The Patriots Club. [Variety]
· Meg Ryan, apparently bitter that her agents at William Morris thought it would be a good idea to get massive plastic surgery that rendered her almost unrecognizable, bolts for CAA. [THR]

The British Sun isn't playing fair. Just because Drew Barrymore might be favoring a more "European" look during Fashion Week in NY, that's no reason to splash photos of her pit hair all over their tabloid. What's next, a full-page analysis of a shoddily-waxed taint? For shame!

Wherein we invite our readers to pull on a loose thread of verbiage and unravel the prose-sweater knitted by humpy E! gossip tailor Ted Casablanca and guess the identity of his weekly blind item. This week, Ted uncorks a filthy tale of high-wattage infidelity, served with a side of salad-tossing. Sail into the uncharted waters of One Bottom-Line Blind Vice:

Today's NY Times reviews the James B. Stewart tell-all DisneyWars, a collection of sordid, family-unfriendly tales from the underbelly of the Magic Kingdom during Michael Eisner's dysfunctional reign. Luckily for Stewart, Eisner's "exiles... have a tendency to wind up testifying in public about their former boss":

David Cross made an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live last night (hopefully he avoided drinking any of that magical champagne they serve in the dressing room) to promote Arrested Development. After he and Kimmel ticked off all of the awards the show has won, Cross revealed that he "found out on the internet" that production of the show had been shut down (here?). He then speculated about what kind of animated/reality/midget/Who's Your Daddy? hybrid project would replace his show::

Lindsay Lohan is piling up the gossip items down in New Orleans as fast as the tabloids can print them. This morning's Lohan round-up:

· You make the call: Is this studio trying to "test film release standards" by releasing National Lampoon's Blackball on DVD four days after its US theatrical release, or just dumping a year-and-a-half-old piece of crap into theaters because the still-hot Vince Vaughn is in the movie? [via Movie Marketing Blog]
· Ryan Seacrest can't get any respect from headline writers. C'mon, CNN, he swears he's straight!
· MILFs are so totally red hot right now.
· The NY Observer presents the lost Paris Hilton sketch that was scrapped when Hilton supposedly refused to be on stage with low-class legend Joey Buttofuoco.
· Is Lindsay Lohan hooking up with Johnny Knoxville in between Hurricane chugging contests in New Orleans?

· Brad Bird, writer/director of The Incredibles, signs copies of the book The Art of The Incredibles at the Grove's Barnes and Noble. Sadly, we don't think the book includes nude mock-ups of Elastigirl, but the first 250 animation-obsessed fanboys will also receive a copy of the Oscar-nominated screenplay.
· Culture alert: The Los Angeles Contemporary Exhibitions on Hollywood Blvd. hosts an opening reception for two new
exhibitions, "Marking Time" and "A Walk to Remember." We owe this one to you for that cheap Elastigirl remark.
· TV-less TV emcee J. Keith van Straaten hosts What’s My Line? at the ACME Comedy Theatre on La Brea. This week’s panelists include Ann Magnuson, Rick Overton, blogging's Wil Wheaton, and a "famous mystery guest." Last week, the surprise celebrity was Ed Begley, Jr, so clearly anything can happen tonight.