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After receiving the news that her network had "dominated" the February ratings sweeps, Fox entertainment president/Arrested Development booster Gail Berman took some time out from high-fiving everyone in the office to send out this e-mail crowing about their big win. She brags about how the network didn't even need that little Super Bowl thing (really, that was just piling on), but we're left with one question that's pretty easy to answer: What if you take away American Idol? A: Berman gets fired! Given that the alternative to victory was the Hollywood breadline, yeah, we'd be boasting too.

· One of those shows that people used to watch before Jerry Springer allowed hicks to hit each other with chairs is nominated for a bunch of awards. [Variety]
· House, 24, and oh yeah, some little shows thing called the the Super Bowl and American Idol lead Fox to a February sweeps win in the coveted key demographic. [Variety]
· THR analyzes the season's surge in comedy pilots. And? There are more of them, actors are extorting more money because of the resulting casting crunch, and in the end, Fox will go right back to airing American Idol four times a week. [THR]
· But you already knew this, like, two days ago: The staggeringly pretty Jude Law dumps CAA for the warm embrace and promised fatter bags of money that Endeavor offers him. [Variety]
· The New Paramount loves to buy things! Brad Grey's little elves get the rights to teen-superhero comic series
Invincible. The script will be penned by the comic's creator, Robert Kirkman, and then quickly rewritten by fifteen uncredited writers. [Variety]

Did an impaired Dustin Hoffman lose a bet at an Oscars post-party?

Media-stalking sister site Gawker's been talking to their monkey again, who's been whispering sweet monkey-nothings in their ear about the strange comings and goings of the on-again-off-again, super-non-couple Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt.

You'd think that after the photos of her bluntastic Thanksgiving celebration were scattered all over the internets, Lindsay Lohan might learn to avoid people who have websites. This Marquis Deja Du Livejournal entry claims that Lohan and her co-stars from Just My Luck crashed a party down in New Orleans, and everyone's favorite Barbie doll was allegedly caught engaging in some good, clean bathroom sex:

The NY Daily News's Rush & Molloy lead today's column with a healthy salad-tossing for the salad-impaired Kirstie Alley and her upcoming show:

Given the diminished ratings that other awards shows suffered during this season of kudo-oversaturation and the splintering of television audience by the proliferation of cable and satellite, the Oscars were considered a relative...what were we talking about? Hey, can we get some sound-bites from geezers in the Academy complaining about the all the newfangled doodads in the overhauled talkies telecast?

· Beware, TiVo watched your Oscar-surfing habits. They know if you rewound fifteen times to see if you actually caught a glimpse of Hilary Swank's ass-crack creeping out her dress, or if you were engaged in more intellectual pursuits.
· Being your own lawyer: All the crazy, drifter/stalker types are doing it!
· The all Trim-Spa diet isn't the best idea we've ever heard. Someone may need to start mainlining Krispy Kremes to reverse the damage. [via witz.org]
· We offer a warm welcome home to sodomy-n-policy lovin' sister blogger Wonkette, who returns from her month-long, peyote-fueled vision quest to unleash another ass-fucking-fueled reign of terror on Washington.

Wow, Hilary Swank is really taking this "I'm just simple folk from the trailer park" schtick to an absurd extreme, isn't she? While Swank devoured her veggie Astro cheeseburger, her "best friend and publicist" frantically searched for an oil-stained wife-beater, a can of Keystone Light, and a mullet wig to complete the totally spontaneous photo op. Not shown: husband Chad Lowe, sporting a shiner for getting too lippy.

· Village Voice senior art critic Jerry Saltz lectures about contemporary art and criticism at the Hammer Museum. It wouldn't kill you to ignore the Netflix queue for one night and get a little culture, you know.
· Movie critic/rock star Roger Ebert will sign his new book, The Great Movies II, at Vroman’s in Pasadena. The signing and discussion will be followed by a slide-show from Ebert's recent Bermuda vacation with onetime nemesis Vincent Gallo. OK, we made that last part up. Or did we?
· Concerts you could potentially attend tonight (subject to ticket availability and other factors): The Brian Jonestown Massacre plays Spaceland, The Revolution Smile makes music at the Knitting Factory, and Vietnam and the Comas will perform at Cinespace. A concert you may not attend under any circumstances: Aaron Carter with special guest Jordan Knight at the House of Blues.

The NYT profiles Edward Moss, the faux Jacko who'll star in E!'s dramatic reenactments of the Michael Jackson child molestation trial. And lest you think that things are a non-stop party for the world's preeminent MJ impersonator, the "life" can wear on a guy:

Before the Oscar ceremony, host Chris Rock coated envelopes containing the names of the night's big winners in a substance that would instantly afflict presenters with Down's Syndrome. Here, Tim Robbins valiantly resists the disease, but eventually would succumb to Rock's practical joke.

During our liveblogging of the Oscars, we noted, "Dustin Hoffman is clearly drunk as he slurs his way through the nominees for Best Picture." We realize that it was unfair of us to speculate that Mr. Hoffman was actually impaired during the ceremony's culminating moment, mostly because we were so drunk that we had to type that line three times to get the spelling of "Hoffman" correct. So in the cold, sober light of day, we fired up the TiVo to break down Hoffman's Best Picture presentation performance for signs of inebriation. Here's the blow-by-blow so that you can judge for yourselves:

The amazing clarity afforded by the DVD format is sure to win The Dukes of Hazzard a new generation of fans. You can nearly make out the writing on the "Reduced!" sign in the lower left corner!

After completing a rigorous apprenticeship learning the most arcane of the pirate-hunting arts at the feet of master Jack Valenti, MPAA chief Dan Glickman has finally gained the power over life and death. We congratulate Glickman on mastering the complicated voodoo charm that resulted in his first long-distance kill; after all, it takes weeks of stirring the blood of an albino orphan to get the consistency for the pentagram-drawing paint just right. A lesser pirate-hunter would've paid someone in the Aryan Brotherhood with a carton of Marlboro Reds and a copy of Swank to snuff the guy with a pillow, but not Glickman. He's got appreciation for craft.

· The feel-good Hollywood story of the year: top execs at MGM make out like bandits with multi-million dollar severance packages while their underlings brace for unemployment. [Variety]
· "Stevens brushed aside constitutional questions about whether the government has the right to regulate indecent speech on pay TV services." Rights? Constitution? Fuck that, there are naked titties and swear words on HBO that need them some good old-fashioned indecency finin'! [THR]
· The overall Oscar ratings were down, but at least Chris Rock delivered some extra eyeballs from the 18-34 demographic. Repeated Cuba Gooding references by Rock also increased viewership significantly in the coveted Gooding demo. [Variety]
· SAG CEO Bob Pisano to resign, AFTRA executive director Greg Hessinger will take his place. Ask your waiter to explain the implications. [Variety]
· Everybody works during pilot season: David Arquette, Marilu Henner, Kristen Johnson, and Laura San Giacomo cast in pilots, may reclaim valuable items from local pawn shops. [THR]
· Antione Fuqua, fresh of off not directing American Gangster, will direct the Messiah-ass-whupping-free Under and Alone, starring Mel Gibson. Gibson contract, however, contains a rider allowing him to act like he's God's gift to man. [Variety]

Your tax dollars hard at work: The FCC is forced to explain why references to "corn-holing" are not patently offensive in shooting down a year-and-a-half old indecency complaint against Arrested Development. God, it's so hot when bureaucrats talk about anal:

Now that the legendary Sherry Lansing has gone down on her knees for the last time and has been packed away in styrofoam peanuts in a film vault on the lot, the Brad Grey Era officially begins at Paramount today. The LAT's Patrick Goldstein (Rob Schneider's BFF) offers the newly-minted mogul some advice as he tries to turn around the studio:

A quick round-up of selected gossip column coverage of Oscar party carnage: