This disturbing tip landed in our inbox a little while ago:

If you've had your fill of demeaning, thankless assistant jobs in the entertainment industry, this Craiglist poster, an incredibly generous "entertainment executive," is ready to inject new life into your career:

Today's Page Six continues its recent crusade to rid Hollywood of liars and to institute a culture of truth throughout the entertainment industry. Last week, the Sixers rapped the knuckles of new CAA agent Todd Feldman with the bitch stick for not giving them the scoop on his departure from William Morris, and today they're going off on Paramount flack Nancy Kirkpatrick for similar crimes against the gossip world:

· Was Cameron Diaz attacked by a lion, a millipede, and some cicadas while filming her new MTV show Trippin'? This show's gonna be so totally awesome when she gets mauled by a tiger on-camera.
· The OC's Adam Brody's ex-girlfriend gets back at him in the pages of FHM. How will he ever recover from these put-downs? With fame, fortune, and sex with Rachel Bilson? Poor schlub, we hope he somehow pulls through.
· Ostrich Ink interviews the Glorious Ladies of Fugging.
· David Duchovy is blogging to promote his directorial debut, House of D. So far, it's not nearly as exciting as Michael Bay's fake blog, but we'll keep monitoring it for items of interest. [via LAist]

· If you didn't know about Kevin Smith's Vulgarthon 2005 (hosted at the Cinerama Dome at the ArcLight) until now, you've already missed most of it. But the festivities, including Q & A's with actors from the View Askewniverse and various screenings, are raging on right now. Probably not included in the festival: a behind-the-scenes documentary on the making of Jersey Girl.
· A little something for the Moz Army, or whatever Morrissey fans call themselves: The Morrissey documentary Who Put the "M" in Manchester? screens tonight in various cities, with the local Mozfest hosted at the Universal Amphitheater.
· Anything that takes its name from an episode of Get a Life is OK in our book: Handsome Boy Modeling School plays the House of Blues on the Strip. In non Chris Elliott-related news, Lovemakers and The Crimea are at Spaceland.

The latest in former hit cross-pollination technology brings us this gem from the world of feature film development:

When a reader spots a passel of Wilsons out for some cocktails, that's a nice little sighting. But when that reader invokes our favorite sobriquet for the best-known member of that clan, we have no choice but to upgrade the sighting to a PrivacyWatch Special Edition:

How the mighty have fallen. Back in the day, Madonna would only be caught dead in a nun's habit if she had splashed blood all over the crotch and stapled half a baby doll to it, with some stigmata on her hands for good, if somewhat symbolically suspect, measure. Now she's been reduced to showing up at Kabbalah costume parties in a half-hearted nod to her publicity-mongering roots. Sad. Maybe Guy Ritchie's got an altar boy strapped to an inflatable phallus that looks like the Pope's hat? Please? We desperately need something to believe in.

How do you know that your inclusive spiritual inspiration society (read: cult) might be losing its heat? Its expensive, sacred texts are winding up on eBay at a fraction of their original cost. An eBay store on Beverly Blvd has this online listing for a previously-owned ("All of the books in the set are in good condition, with no underlining or tampering with any of the pages. The bindings are all in very good condition.") edition of the Zohar, Kabbalah's magical tome. With a current bid of $86 against its full retail price of $415, you can't afford to pass up this bargain. As cynical enemies of light, we can't confirm the claim that merely having the Zohar in your studio apartment will be good for landing at least three auditions a month, but what are you going to spend the money on otherwise, some weed and a bag of Fritos? Yeah, we thought so. See you at the Centre with your smart, attractively leather-bound God receptacles.

· For some reason, Paramount president Donald De Line thinks that not being told about Brad Grey hiring Gail Berman to do his job means it's time for him to move on. He's leaving his post at the studio for parts unknown (i.e., Sony, if you believe the rumors.) [Variety]
· Just-anointed Fox president Peter Liguori has kissed his teary-eyed FX troops goodbye, and is already busy at his new home, ready for the challenge of getting bailed out by American Idol every year. [Variety]
· CBS development moves away from competition-based reality shows, and now embraces the new self-improvement/family-related paradigm. A surefire hit on its way: Les Moonves destroys your mansion in the Hills with his bare hands, then orders his minions to rebuild it in under 24 hours. [THR]
· ABC's premiering hot-doctors-doing-cute-things drama Grey's Anatomy rides Desperate Housewives' coattails to strong ratings. [Variety]
· Everybody works during pilot season, part thirty-eight: Brenda Blethyn, Jane Leeves, Donal Logue, Mariel Hemingway, Alyson Hannigan cast in pilots. We give it a week before sneaky agents get a handful of dead clients cast. [THR]

The dispute between the east coast and west coast branches of the Writers Guild has spilled into the opinion pages of the LAT, with WGA East member Walter Bernstein taking his case to the public to explain what's at stake for the Guild and to delineate the differences between the warring factions:

If director Michael Bay had a blog, what would we write about? Behind-the-scenes accounts of his dealings in the entertainment industry? His sexual conquests? The profound disappointment of realizing that he's become only the second-hackiest fauxteur in town since Brett Ratner's hacky genius descended over Hollywood? The anonymous author behind the Michael Bay blog tries to intercept the director's innermost thoughts and present them in an online diary:

They are Hollywood's comedy cartel, the actors, writers, and producers that can walk into any studio in town and get a greenlight from a pitch with the simple formula "[Hot comedic actor] is a [wacky or offbeat occupation]" (examples: Will Ferrell as anchorman/NASCAR driver/beach volleyball player, Ben Stiller as dodgeball player/Starsky, etc). The implications are chilling: You'd better enjoy the goofy chemistry between Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn, find Stiller's constipated Everyman rage as hilarious as ever, or learn to love the sight of Ferrell slathered in cocoa butter, because that's all you're going to get for the next three to five years.

A couple of stories of note from the weekend, which were not nearly compelling enough to halt our three-day Easter egg hunt:

Witness the Easter miracle that was the inspired accuracy of our box office predictions for the holiday weekend:

· What does Britney Spears need to do get our attention these days? Yup, you guessed it: Get a new pair of surgically-enhanced cans.* Crude and clichéd, but always effective.
· Awwww snap! Denise Richards got served! Excuse us for that, we don't know what got into us. Denise Richards got served, yo!
· How much would you pay to have lunch with Teri Hatcher? OK, now how much would you pay for a charity lunch with Teri Hatcher with absolutely no chance that the two of you would hit it off and engage in consensual sex?
· My Blog is Poop uncovers a number of celebrity fetishes; curiously absent from the list is any mention of splatting. We question the accuracy of the entire thing.
· Dynamic Homoerotic Duos, Part 1: starring Ice Man and Maverick.

Friday
· Writers Richard "LA Innuendo" Rushfield, Aimee Bender, and Kevin Sampsell read from their contributions to the
The Insomniac Reader: Stories of the Night anthology at Skylight Books. Get there early, or suffer the peculiar Skylight humiliation of being crammed behind the sci-fi shelf, catching glimpses of the readers through the spaces between Philip K. Dick books.
· Death from Above 1979 descend like late-70s doom at the Echo, though with a very modern, nonfatal spin.
Saturday
· Celebrate "Merely OK Saturday" at the Hollywood Shop Til You Drop sale at Area 101, featuring designers from around the world and a free wine and cheese reception.
· LACMA screens Straw Dogs and Taxi Driver, adding just the right amount of cinematic violence to the holiday weekend.
· Lebowski Fest 2005, the world's greatest celebration of one of the best movies of all time, commandeers the Cal Bowl in Lakewood. Expect at least a dozen people dressed as The Jesus.
Sunday
· Happy Easter, and this advice goes for Christians and non-Christians alike: You really don't need that 15th Cadbury egg. Just put it down and walk away.

Yesterday, sister site Gawker put on its reporter hat and placed a call to actor/director/infamous on-camera fellatio recipient Vincent Gallo to get to the bottom of the Brown Bunny stunt-cock controversy. Here's a taste of Gallo's 45-minute conversation, in which he again asserts the cinematic primacy of his own dong, holds forth on his recent move to LA, and floridly sullies the name of the supposed stunt-cock's mother:

Yesterday's Page Six item about director Matthew Vaughn leaving William Morris for Endeavor also featured this seemingly inconsequential throw-in:

The Defamer Special Movie Premiere Food Critic strikes again, this time reporting on MGM's surprisingly effective fusion of "urban" and more mainstream premiere party fare at last night's Beauty Shop opening. We must admit that we're a little disappointed that the Lion managed to pull off this delicate balancing act, as we were hoping for a withering account of the studio's patronizing interpretation of soul food. Alas, it was not to be. Read on: