Apparently flush with hormones from her rumored pregnancy, Britney Spears once again has found the inspiration to post another Missive of Truth on her website. This time, she dabbles in media criticism, urging the celebrity journalism industry to indulge in the kind of introspection that has made her one of her generation's most influential thinkers, penning an open letter to "False Tabloids":
Tom "Don't Call Me Thomas" Everett Scott got dumped from the upcoming Pamela Anderson sitcom Stacked over the weekend, and his part was immediately recast with Elon "Who?" Gold. As of last night Scott hadn't been removed from Stacked Friendster page, but they finally de-Friendstered him today and again replaced him with Gold. Despite all the turmoil, one thing remains unchanged: We have absolutely no interest in watching Stacked, no matter how big Pamela Anderson's tits are.
"Look, Prime Minister, I know that this probably violates all kinds of cultural norms that may cause you to lose respect among your peers in the government, but do you mind if I lead? The Dalai Lama never lets me lead."
Brad Grey, head of the New Paramount™, has finally and officially announced that he's taking Gail Berman as his studio bride; the couple can now openly skip hand-in-hand around the lot on Melrose, hatching schemes to make their movies better appeal to the MTV demographic so relentlessly served by their corporate masters at Viacom. She's been awarded the title of president, a big improvement over the vaguely scatological "Grey's number two" position that she's had to endure the past week while things were being finalized. Grey's e-mail to his Paramount underlings follows, and we're feeling generous, so we'll spare you a reprint of the press release (you can read the trades for those). There's nothing left to do but watch Grey and Berman high-five each other while wishing a cheery "See you in hell!" to ousted/downgraded president Donald DeLine.
Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent in by our readers. Send yours to tips@defamer.com and let the world know that Tobey Maguire know that it's time to hit the treadmill.
· M. Night Shyamalan is close to corralling Paul Giamatti and Bryce Dallas Howard for the latest foray into his signature brand of Gotcha! cinema, Lady in the Water. Spoiler alert: Paul Giamatti is revealed to be the lady in the final frames. [Variety]
· It's official: Hitch is the winter's box office champion, with Meet the Fockers finishing second. To commemorate the occasion, Will Smith will ceremonially flush Ben Stiller down a giant toilet on the the Hollywood Walk of Fame. [THR]
· Network cockfight! ABC and Fox are planning to pit the Lost and American Idol season finales against each other in a bloody Nielsen deathmatch. [Variety]
· Today's actors being recycled through the magic of pilot season: Wendy Malick, Tom Everett Scott, Rhea Perlman, and Dabney Coleman are cast in pilots. [Variety]
· Chinese star Gong Li is drafted for the usual Hollywood duty as an all-purpose Asian actress in Miami Vice (Chinese/Cuban) and the Hannibal Lecter sequel Behind the Mask (Japanese). [Variety]
The mystery of the "Fox Leg," the severed appendage still nestled in a workboot that was discovered in a Malibu landfill and which was believed to have originated from a construction site on the Fox lot, may have finally come to an anticlimactic end. Authorities now believe it belongs to a suicide victim from Paramount (the town, not the studio) and that the foot might have been discarded when discovered by a shocked motorist. In the interest of softening the blow of disappointment at this turn of events, an alternate theory: Recently-departed Fox president Gail Berman found the foot stuck to the grille of her SUV, then kept it as a desk toy meant to intimidate her business associates. ("Hey, if you don't like the episode order reduction, maybe your tootsie would look nice next to Bootsy Joe's here. How does that float yer boat, Grazer?") When Berman took her new position at Paramount (the studio, not the town), she simply tossed the foot in the trash. And the rest, as they say, is completely fabricated history.
Now that independent film producers/champions of truth, justice, and the American Way Bob and Harvey Weinstein have extricated themselves from the dirty shackles of the Disney Media Conglomerate that looked to thwart their efforts to make great movies at every turn, it's time for a quick-round-up of the post-split coverage.
Star magazine is up to its old tricks, using their advanced tabloid mainframe to project what the hellspawn of white-trashy pop star/part-time waitress Britney Spears and white-trash-aspirational background-dancing inseminator extraordinaire Kevin Federline might look like. Unfortunately for the potential male offspring, that do rag is not a fashion accessory, it's the top of the poor tyke's head; removing it would expose his already massively-disadvantaged brain to the elements.
· The ArcLight continues to stretch the conceit of its "Hollywood's Master Storytellers" screenings to delightfully absurd lengths, as tonight they'll show After the Sunset featuring a post-movie Q&A with curiously hacky director Brett Ratner. You know what this means: Reports in our inbox are due by midnight (9 a.m. if you go out afterwards to drink it off). And if you're taking requests, someone should ask him about that photo booth in his house.
· Online 'zine Ostrich Ink throws a release party for its latest issue at Mr. T's Bowl. The festivities include “karaoke, cheap drinks, giveaways, hilarious essays, and no cover.”
· Happy music fun time list: M Ward at the Troubadour; Brazilian Girls at the Roxy; Phantom Planet at Spaceland, who are probably pretty tired of The OC and Jason Schwartzman talk by now.
The casting notice is already out to Denzel Washington's agent.
We'd always kind of hoped that Bob and Harvey Weinstein would leave their family the old fashioned way, by saying they were going out for cigarettes, poignantly mussing their kids' hair for the last time, and disappearing forever. But the Weinstein brothers have left Miramax and Disney the classy way, by an intimate e-mail to their staff and a press release. Don't worry, Miramaxers, the guys are sticking around through the end of September to make sure that all necessary beatings are doled out before they start their new business venture. The e-mail and press release follow:
Since updates on the mysterious, severed "Fox Leg" have been scarce both from the media and from within the walls of the lot, we decided to analyze the evidence at hand.
Defamer is committed to helping the well-off, but as-yet obscure, sons and daughters of Los Angeles achieve fame for no reason other than their boredom-induced lust for attention. To that end, we share a pitch from a local publicity-enabling technician that landed in our inbox moments ago:
A reader reports on last night's ArcLight screening of Palindromes, director Todd Solondz's latest addition to the misanthrope canon, where it was discovered that Ellen Barkin's rambling answers to questions about the movie are a good time to hit the concession stand or the restrooms:
A little birdie told us to expect a press conference at around 1 p.m. finally announcing Harvey and Bob Weinstein's eternally-anticpated divorce from Disney. Let's hope this is actually going down so that we can all have some closure. We're so very tired of dreaming up scenarios in which Harvey Weinstein agrees to trade his mother to Michael Eisner in exchange for keeping the Miramax name.
· With Sony's purchase of MGM mere days from being approved, employees are still confused and worried about how the transition will play out. Today's reason for low-level MGM staffers to rise up and overthrow their masters: "'I don't feel great about the uncertainty,' said Chris McGurk, MGM vice chairman and chief operating officer, who will leave MGM with a payout of $5.75 million once the merger is completed." Pity poor McGurk, who will toss and turn tonight on a California king-sized bed made entirely of hundred dollar bills, at least until his diamond-encrusted robot arrives to sing him a lullaby. [THR]
· The window between a movie's theatrical and DVD release continues to close, causing exhibitors to worry about their future ability to charge exorbitant prices for soda and popcorn. [Variety]
· Whoever currently has the authority to do so at the New Paramount™ chooses Mark "Mean Girls" Waters to direct their long-attempted remake of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. In the studio's continuing efforts to appeal to the MTV demographic, look for them to lock up Omarion to take the role once attached to Jim Carrey. [Variety]
· Jessica Biel and Rufus Sewell join Edward Norton and Paul Giamatti in the cast of The Illusionist. [THR]
· Russell Crowe, Ron Howard, and Brian Grazer extend their love affair at least into 2006, when they'll eventually get to team up to make The Power of Duff. [Variety]
Yet another sign that your inclusive spiritual inspiration society is losing its heat: A movie studio is willing to spend 100K to erase its vestiges from your movie. MSNBC's Jeanette Walls reports that test audiences were so turned off by Ashton Kutcher's red string Kabbalah bracelet that Sony digitally removed it from the final cut of Guess Who. While this anecdote is certainly amusing, it's revealed a crucial weakness in the evil eye force-field that the bracelet supposedly provides. It seems that the string's bad-mojo-deflecting properties are dissipated by film, so the next you have a negative thought about a celebrity Kabbalist, make sure you focus that energy on a photographic image of them—if you give them the evil eye in person, it will likely just bounce off and strike a nearby Christian or (actual) Jew.
