Accused "Riverside Rapist" and alleged con man Hugues Akassy is on trial for sexual assaulting, stalking, and harassing five women in upper Manhattan. The trial raises many questions: Did he do it? How did he evade arrest for so long? And where did he get that smashing ascot?

Creepy 35-year-old Floridian Christopher Chaney said he was "addicted" to hacking into celebs like Scarlett Johansson's email. But he's pleaded not guilty in the case—after issuing a public apology for his hacking.

No law enforcement agency in the world is better than our own FBI when it comes to thwarting terror plots that never would have come to fruition anyhow, because they consisted mainly of pitiful people sitting around boasting to FBI informants. The latest triumph by our domestic anti-terror heroes: saving America from a bunch of old Georgia loons who sat around the Waffle House talking about their big assassination ideas.

Ben Clifford Dawson is an 83-year-old resident of Centerville, Iowa who is running for city council. He is also a prostitute! At least according to police who arrested Dawson on Wednesday after a 10-day investigation concluded he "offered to perform sex acts on a woman in exchange for repayment of a loan" and then "began kissing her neck without consent." By the looks of his mugshot, he enjoyed it. [KTVO News via Fark]

Police in Paterson, New Jersey announced on Wednesday that they'd arrested three men wanted for viciously assaulting two men with a machete inside a restaurant back in September. How'd they do it? They posted the surveillance footage on Facebook in an effort to crowdsource the investigation.

One day, years from now, Jennifer Christine Harris will scroll back to this week on her Facebook Timeline and regret everything she sees. (She'll also be, like, "I still don't get the point of Facebook Timeline. The interface is so confusing and the pictures are way too big!") The Des Moines native was arrested for having allegedly set fire to the home of Nikki Rasmussen, an old friend, while Nikki and her husband Jim were fast asleep. The person Jim instantly suspected was Harris, with whom his wife was having an ongoing dispute. It had played out on the pages of Facebook.

Prosecutors in Santa Monica, CA have filed 19 criminal charges against the gold sellers Goldline International for allegedly running a "bait and switch operation" using prominent spokespeople like Fox News' Glenn Beck.

Sexy crypt keeper Lindsay Lohan is heading back to jail, Judge Stephanie Sautner announced today after finding the troubled starlet in violation of her probation yet again.

Justice gets at least one positive bit of justice news this week: the Fair Sentencing Act of 2010 went into effect yesterday, bringing the huge disparities in sentencing for powder cocaine vs. crack cocaine somewhat closer to sane levels. According to the NYT, there was previously a 100 to one disparity between the amounts of powder and the amount of crack that would draw equal sentences; now, it's 18 to one. Yeah, that's... somewhat less terrible. U.S. lawmakers truly are beacons of fairness.

A 22-year-old soldier was arrested Friday morning by Army counterintelligence agents in Alaska on suspicion of espionage. Sounds familiar.

An outfit called My Porn Production hopes to add one more title to the growing international finance porn genre by making a film about ex-IMF chief/brutal love machine Dominique Strauss-Kahn and his recent hotel sex scandal, which involved rape allegations. Sexy! Will you make a financial donation and support the arts?

Police Chief Michael Scott of Smithfield, N.C., has seen his 2012 gas budget cut by $10,000. He's about to ask the town council if he can reallocate some of his $30,000 office supply budget to pay for gas. If they don't allow it, do you know what he is going to do? That's right! He is going to let crime fester in the streets of Smithfield, like Gotham City before the Batman.

A masked man in dark clothes 'attacks' a 26-year-old foreign exchange student while she has a cigarette outside in Pleasant Prairie, Wisc., only to give up and flee when she fights back. Just another bizarre crime in America's heartland? Or the start... of the most pathetic story of the year?

Let's just dig into the Florida news here and pull out a typical Florida news story, at random: Aha. Two young men in Lake City were thinking entrepreneurially last week:

In 2008, on Martin Luther King Day Eve, Ohio State Trooper Eric E. Wlodarsky took a picture of a fellow trooper dressed up in "Ku Klux Klan-like garb" (small photo) and sent it to a sergeant as a prank. For extra bonus laffs, he did this while he and the other officer were both on duty.

A 27-year-old flight attendant for US Airways was discovered early Saturday morning, strangled to death in his room at the Hilton in Mexico City, where he was staying on a layover.

In Los Angeles, a Halloween reveler dressed up in a Smurf costume crossed paths with some alleged gang members and ended up getting shot in the calf, round-the-clock Halloween news source the L.A. Times reports. The Smurf had only been trying to help his girlfriend—who was also dressed as a Smurf—after one of the so-called gang members had punched her; he's now in stable condition.

"When you're a Domino's manager you're a Domino's manager all the way, from your first cigarette to your last fiery hit on a Papa John's outlet that results in arson charges for you and your colleague." This is how the song might go today, if West Side Story were set in modern-day Florida and about rival corporate pizza chain crews instead of New York City gangs.

The first man in U.S. history to be successfully convicted of organ-trafficking is a 60-year-old man from Brooklyn named Levy Izhak Rosenbaum. Prosecutors say he would farm his kidneys in Israel, paying as little as $10,000 for one. He'd then transport them to the U.S., where he'd sell them for upwards of $120,000 to grumpy bubbies waving crumpled Take-A-Numbers and grumbling, "What? You got nothing fresher?" over a backroom butcher case.

Tonya Cooley (left), who appeared on The Real World: Chicago and Real World/Road Rules Challenge, is suing MTV, Bunim/Murray Productions, and co-stars Kenny Santucci (right) and Evan Starkman (center), saying the men sexually assaulted her with a toothbrush while she lay unconscious, TMZ reports.