The serial butt stabber's reign of terror is finally over. Authorities arrested suspect Johnny D. Guillen in Peru earlier this week, and have begun the process to extradite him back to the United States.

An American hero by the name of Rich Jones has obtained and published the entire 94-page FBI file of Ol' Dirty Bastard, the Wu-Tang Brooklynnnn Zuhh member who died of a wildness overdose in 2004. Some select highlights are below. [Click to enlarge the images]

Once again this week, the FBI has foiled an incredibly unconvincing terror plot replete with plans that fail to strike fear in the heart of any American. Sami Osmakac, a 25 year-old in Tampa, Florida, has been arrested for allegedly plotting to destroy bridges and bomb nightclubs in the name of Islam. Anyone who's been to Florida knows that destroying nightclubs in Tampa would be a great public service, to the United States of America.

Seattle police have re-opened the 20-year-old cold case of Sarah Yarborough, who was killed in 1991, and using DNA samples from the scene, they've narrowed the suspect down. To a member of "the family of Robert Fuller, who settled in Salem, Massachusetts, in 1630 and had relatives who came over before him on the Mayflower."

Though yesterday's news was that 40-year-old confessed Frappucino firebomber Ray Lazier Lengend threw Starbucks-themed Molotov cocktails to avenge petty slights, the New York Daily News reports that prosecutors now say Lengend wanted to hit "as many Muslims and Arabs as possible."

As the world sat glued to their media display devices awaiting the latest Beyoncé BabyWatch developments, one man — a 48-year-old resident of Ohio — whiled away the holiday weekend in a state of blissful Beyoncé ignorance. Not only was he unaware that a Lil-Z might shimmy out from between her million-dollar legs at any given moment, he had no clue that Beyoncé and Jay-Z were even married. We know, we know — shocking. Still, it doesn't seem quite bad enough to earn him a stabbing.

After apprehending the New Yorker who constructed Molotov cocktails out of Starbucks Frappucino bottles and used them to attack Hindu and Muslim places of worship, a bodega, and a priate residence yesterday, the NYPD extracted a confession from the Frap-otov bomber. He's not a huge bigot, just a minor one with a really strong sense of vengeance, the New York Post reports:

Illicit photography is way up in Japan, and police blame smartphone silencers - apps that hush up the sound of taking a picture. Maybe this spy technology will be America's next big cultural import from Asia. God knows we have enough pervs.

The investigation into Oneal Ron Morris—the Floridian fake doctor accused of preying on the transgender community and injecting "cement, Fix-a-Flat, mineral oil, and superglue" into patients—has expanded to include "as many as 30" victims, the New York Daily News reports. Victims of "The Duchess" are coming forward from as far away as Indiana, The Miami Herald reports, and the Department of Health is now involved. [NYDN, Miami Herald]

Not much is known, yet, about the motives of a New York man who poured gasoline into Starbucks Frappucino bottles, stuffed toilet paper into the top as a wick, and proceeded to fling lit firebombs at a Hindu temple, a Muslim community center, a bodega, and possibly two private residences on New Year's Day.

A dead woman has been found on Queen Elizabeth's country estate! "We are at the very early stages of the investigation and it could be a complex inquiry," says Detective Chief Inspector Jes Fry. I know what you're thinking: the Queen murdered someone!

For four days, a prolific car arsonist had Los Angeles car-owners posting up all night like nervous cowboys guarding their cattle from wolves. A suspect was arrested today; he might be mad at America for deporting his mom.

Here you see (an extremely uncooperative) Carlos Fabara, an NYPD sergeant of 14 years experience, being hauled off a Greyhound bus and arrested, for being drunk. Too drunk to ride a Greyhound bus? Think about that. A helpful Youtube commenter explains: "yeah so before the video was taken, he and his friend were stumbling drunk and slurring when they boarded (too early) and refused to get off when they were asked to wait outside with the other ticketed customers. Plus, the driver was on a short fuse after [a man was kicked off for smoking cigarettes in the bathroom], so things just escalated really quickly. they weren't doing anything in particular, but they also weren't cooperating. not really sure if they deserved to get arrested, but the one officer did."

Last year, veteran TV news producer Joe Halderman was sentenced to six months in jail for pulling a failed $2 million blackmail scheme on David Letterman, who was having an affair with a staff member. Now, the ID Discovery network's "On the Case With Paula Zahn" has hired Halderman as a producer. He's experienced, so he should be fine, as long as he does not blackmail Paula Zahn for $2 million.

The Department of Homeland Security makes fake users on Twitter and Facebook with which to follow suspicious people. But what if you're not shifty enough to get your own government e-stalker? No problem: Just tweet "My cow collapsed, and now there's a human to animal infection outbreak among illegal immigrants."

"Police were looking for a motive in a shooting in which they believe a man dressed as Santa Claus killed six family members in a Fort Worth, Texas, suburb on Christmas day before shooting himself." It's not known whether this is connected to Santa's string of roofie attacks in Germany.

There was a 30 percent increase in complaints about "romance scams" last month, according to Western Union. A "romance scam" is where someone spends months and months having in-depth email conversations with you, and then gets you to send them money. Except for the lack of a proper couch, formal credentials, and some honesty, these scams sound a lot like psychological counseling. So why not reverse the scam?

The Nassau County Police Department has acknowledged in a court filing that Bill O'Reilly played a role in an internal affairs investigation into an NCPD detective, confirming a key element of Gawker's exclusive story last August detailing how the Fox News blowhard tried to have the cop who was dating his wife investigated by his own police department.

For years upon years, we here at Gawker have been bringing you stories of the sheer fuckery of incompetent superflack Ronn [sic] Torossian (pictured), head of 5WPR, the most shameless public relations firm in New York City. Here is a bit of news that we view with exceeding interest: Ronn Torossian is caught up in a federal investigation. A very serious one.

Though the fear of a violent and unprovoked home invasion resulting in who knows what horrors to your precious bodily cavities stalks your psyche daily, the fact is this: you are paranoid. Watching too much local television news, I suspect. America is so safe these days it is absolutely sickening.