Remember crazy mom Jessica Beagley from Alaska who was so desperate to meet Dr. Phil in person that she abused her young son on video with hot sauce and a cold shower? A judge convicted her yesterday of misdemeanor child abuse. Beagley faces a maximum of one year in jail. This should go without saying, but Dr. Phil really does attract the dumbest, worst people that America has to offer.
A man in the New York City neighborhood of Washington Heights brought the terror that Shake-n-Quake '11 failed to deliver by allegedly stabbing four elderly people—three women and a man—with a ten-inch knife, killing the man. He also punched out a 22-year-old neighbor. Witnesses say he was "emotionally disturbed." Bit of an understatement there.
Felonious, hypersexual people just can't stop crashing into the AdultMart of Brownhelm Township, Ohio to steal sex toys! In the latest incident involving theft at the popular sex-stablishment, a man stole a semi and crashed it into the place, making off with a $800 "life-like masturbator complete with female genitalia with legs and buttocks."
Remember when Goldman Sachs was a remorseless, cruelly efficient monolith run by soulless machines intent on harvesting wealth at the expense of the global economy and without regard to consequences?
Sure, we've all had the overwhelming urge, at times, to fill up our Jeep Cherokee with fireworks, drive to Washington, DC, and detonate those fireworks on the National Mall, in order to call for banking reform. How else will those fat cat politicians and banking regulators ever "get the message?" The important thing to remember, however, when you get drunk and put your Fireworks Banking Protest plan into action, is to keep it secret until the last possible second.
Accused rapist/flasher Dominique Strauss-Kahn, "the great seducer" who was once in charge of extorting developing countries for the International Monetary Fund, could be free to return to France as soon as today if, as expected, sexual assault charges against him are formally dismissed by a judge in New York.
Jasmine Fike is a 15-year-old Colorado teen who had decided she wanted to run away from home. But she didn't want it to look like she'd run away, concocting instead an elaborate hoax that made it seem as if she had been kidnapped by a former drug dealer she'd met only once. (Because if there's any way to prevent people from looking for you, it's to make it seem like you've been abducted. Great, teenager logic!)
The legal filing on Monday to dismiss charges of sexual assault against Dominique Strauss-Kahn contained within it one crusty footnote, illuminated by the blacklight-wielding investigators of The Smoking Gun: The $3,000-a-night Sofitel suite where the former IMF head stayed last May, and where his accuser said the alleged crime had occurred, contained within it remnants of ejaculate from anywhere from four to seven other men.
Tharvin Benitez, 21, is currently in an Illinois jail after an arrest last May on felony drug charges. But his first child with girlfriend Jessica Ortiz is due any day, and the two wanted to be married before it arrived — so they petitioned for a courthouse wedding. And what do you know! Not only did DuPage County Judge Blanche Fawell — the presiding judge on Benitez's criminal case — sign off on it, she officiated the ceremony herself.
Everybody say hello to Dale McDaniel, your new favorite Floridian! He's 52, has been arrested at least 34 times, allegedly shouts obscenities at people and pisses in his trash-strewn yard, drinks pretty much constantly, and has left an indelible impression upon his neighbors, many of whom say they fear him.
A 34-year-old Florida mom has been charged with child neglect after allegedly leaving her five-year-old—who still requires use of a stroller, for some reason?—to wait outside a Daytona Beach bar called Crooks Den "for 20 minutes" while she drank beers inside.
Without presenting any evidence whatsoever to back up their claim, Iranian authorities have sentenced American hikers Joshua Fattal and Shane Bauer to five years in prison for spying for the United States. And you thought American justice was bad!
For most babysitters, taking an infant for a ride in the stroller means securing the baby in one and then gently pushing the child down the sidewalk. For Florida resident Keyona Davis, it apparently means putting the baby and stroller into a truck bed and then taking the kid for a drive on some of Daytona Beach's busiest roadways. Davis was arrested and charged with child neglect on Wednesday. Video of her bad babysitting behavior is above. [WESH]
