You might want to take an extra swig or two of brew for this next one — it's a doozy. Let's start with the basics: Jamyi J. Witch is a 52-year-old Wiccan minister, who, in 2001, was hired by Wisconsin's Oshkosh Correctional Institution to be their first ever Wiccan prison chaplain. It was indeed a controversial hiring, and perhaps a byproduct of the Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone mania that was sweeping the nation at the time. Got all that? Good. Now hop onto your broomsticks and flash-forward to Aug. 10, 2011.

On Tuesday morning, two gruesomely mutilated bodies were discovered in the Mexican border city of Nuevo Laredo, hanging from a pedestrian bridge. Next to the bodies were signs, one of which read "This will happen to all the internet snitches. Be warned, we've got our eye on you. Signed, Z "

Brit Sean Duffy will serve 18 weeks behind bars for mocking deceased girls. The 25-year-old liked to taunt grieving families on Facebook and parody the victims on YouTube. His actions reportedly led one teen to overdose on drugs.

Federal prosecutors just jumped into a long running slapfight between eBay and Craigslist over how the former acquired a stake in the latter. As it turns out, they're on Craigslist's side: They've opened a criminal probe into whether eBay executives used their ownership to illicitly obtain competitive information.

Saudi Prince Al-Waleed bin Talal, the billionaire media mogul who owns about 7% of Rupert Murdoch's News Corporation, is being investigated in Spain on allegations that he "drugged and sexually assaulted a young model on a yacht on the Mediterranean island of Ibiza" in 2008.

Sound the alarm! Alert the authorities that haven't already been alerted! Michaele Salahi, White House party-crasher turned temporary Real Housewives star, has maybe been abducted, claims her husband.

Kinde Durkee, a veteran campaign treasurer working for the Democratic Party in California, was arrested on Sept. 2, suspected by federal authorities of having embezzled $1 million. She allegedly ran a kind of campaign-fund Ponzi scheme — funneling money between accounts like a shell game — leading some to call her the "Bernie Madoff of campaign treasurers." (Madoff, who would never be caught dead in a chartreuse smock, would probably bristle at the comparison.) Now several candidates' campaign funds have been completely wiped out, including Sen. Dianne Feinstein's.

Teonna Brown, the 19-year-old woman filmed beating transgender woman Chrissy Polis at a Baltimore-area McDonald's, was sentenced to five years in jail on hate-crime charges. "I'm sorry. My mother did not raise me like this," Brown said in court.

After four months undercover at an Irish Traveller camp in the Bedfordshire county of England, British authorities rescued 24 people they believe to be slaves—but only 15 agreed to rescue. The other nine denied being slaves and returned to the camp. What is going on at the Greenacre Caravan Park of Leighton Buzzard?

Meet Shalanon Brooks, the kind of functionally retarded person you encounter frequently in Southern California. Shalanon is the owner of a Pomeranian whom she named "Malibu." (See first sentence.) She didn't just buy Malibu, but was actually prescribed Malibu for "emotional support." (See first sentence again.) Shalanon went to spend a day riding roller coasters at Six Flags Magic Mountain, but when she realized the strap of her Louis Vuitton dog carrying-case had broken, she opted to leave Malibu in her car with the windows cracked open and some water and food. (See— Enh. You know the drill by now.)

Take a look at this photo of Caius Veiovis, a 31-year-old fellow from Massachusetts. Sure he has a 666 tattooed onto the forehead into which he's surgically inserted what would appear to be six gobstoppers — but does that necessarily make him a bad guy? Yes! It does! Very bad! Veiovis and two others are facing murder and kidnapping charges in connection with the deaths of three men, one of whom was scheduled to testify against them. So go right ahead: Judge a book by its cover. Then run! [TSG]

Jade Sanders and Lamont Thomas, a vegan couple from Atlanta, had their murder convictions—and life sentences—upheld in court today. Their crime: Allowing their six-week-old son Crown Shakur to die of malnourishment after feeding him a diet of soy milk and apple juice.

World-class "rutting chimpanzee" and ex-IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn was questioned by French police today over rape allegations involving journalist Tristane Banon in 2003. Apparently DSK asked to be interviewed as a "witness." [Guardian]

For the past two years, an Iraqi gangster had a lucrative little auto-theft business going. He'd send one of his men to hail a cab in Baghdad — preferably a new car — and ask for a ride to Dujail. (Dujail is the Iraqi town where Saddam Hussein had 148 boys and men killed in 1982.) When the taxi got to a deserted stretch of road, a group of gang members would appear, kill the driver, bury the body, and sell the car.

So these boys in Las Cruces, New Mexico thought it would be clever to get on their Facebooks and "cyberbully" the Zinsations, a local street dance troupe. It was not clever! Because four of the Zinsations beat the shit out of those bullyboys at McDonald's the other day.

The news last month that two adult Austrian women had accused their father of keeping them in a rape dungeon for their entire lives—coupled with a remarkably similar 2008 story—prompted us to ask: What's the story with all the horrendous family-rape, Austria? Turns out the latest story isn't quite what it seemed.

In July, the FBI arrested 16 alleged members of the hacktivist collective Anonymous, which has claimed credit for attacks on PayPal, Visa and Mastercard. Talking Points Memo obtained most of their mugshots. They were unfortunately unable to wear their trademark Guy Fawkes mask while being booked.

Interpol has issued a so-called "Red Notice"—an international arrest warrant—for Muammar Qaddafi and one of his sons. It appears that high-level Libyan officials are fleeing to Niger, and if Qaddafi were indeed found there the Red Notice would ostensibly obligate that country's officials to hand him over to the International Criminal Court. It was a similar Red Notice that ensnared Julian Assange, and we all know how that turned out.

A man from Tacoma is under arrest after having approached a neighbor at his apartment complex at 4 p.m. on Wednesday, and asking them if he could dump a dead body in their trash.

Puerto Rico! The island that just won't become our 51st state, no matter how much we bat our eyelashes. Still, as a U.S. territory, Puerto Rico has the right to have a police force just as brutal and corrupt as any in the USA.