Both the Sun and the Times have acknowledged that uniballed cycling champ Lance Armstrong opened his hosting gig at ESPN's ESPY awards with an anal sex joke directed at Jake Gyllenhaal, but neither paper seems willing to clarify any further. Apparently it's okay for the press to acknowledge the presence of buttfucking humor, but not to actually entertain readers with the buttfucking humor itself. So we'll share the joke with you — if nothing else, Gawker will always support anything involving Gyllenhaal and anal.

Frankly, the uncanny ability of Eric Schmidt's old videos to pop up on the Internet — on Google Video no less — is making me suspect the Google CEO is doing some strategic linking. In April, everyone saw the old video of Eric taking public speaking lessons. Schmidt seems awkward but not too nerdy. Compare with this recently surfaced clip from 1986, when as a Sun VP he was the victim of an April Fools Day prank:

Diana Bianchi, the 19-year-old Southampton townie who slept with skeezy old architect Peter Cook and thus helped to end his marriage to world-weary supermodel Christie Brinkley, somewhat ill-advisedly went on Fox 5 news last night to defend her case. Watching the clip, it's clear that she is by no means "old" for her age — that is to say, she might as well be 15 and Peter Cook might as well be in prison. Also, be sure to take note of her squirming in the beginning, as if interviewer Rosanna Scotto were about to pull out a shiv on behalf of middle-aged housewives everywhere.

BoingBoing directs us to a previously unseen 1999 video commissioned by Al Gore's presidential campaign and directed by none other than Being John Malkovich and Adaptation director Spike Jonze. (It was first made available in the debut issue of Wholphin DVD magazine.) Dispensing with his typical, whimsical visual style, Jonze created a fairly straightforward, day-in-the-life diary, painting a nuanced portrait of a very animated and non-robotic candidate. The World's Fair blog goes so far as to wonder if its release would have netted him the "precious few votes needed to win that election," though the scene in the third act in which Gore gets high on orchid dust and trips out to his own feet on a hotel room bed may have ultimately rendered the candidate just a little too "human" for his image-makers' tastes.

Is there anything more compellingly awkward than a press event based on a magazine cover stunt from last decade? Not if the above video is any indication. In order to announce the American incarnation of the Virgin Festival, the first 50 people who showed at the Union Square Virgin Megastore wearing nothing but a tube sock (in honor of the Red Hot Chili Peppers appearance on the two-day lineup) received free tickets to the festival. Nothing eases the pain of a biblically nasty Monday than watching people with nothing better to do at 11 AM than flaunt the illusion of their manhood as lengthened by a white cotton sock. NSFW if your office has a problem with anyone but Anthony Kiedis pulling this crap.

Here's a sad example of vlog Beet.tv video-stalking bloggers — bloggers! — through the party celebrating the launch of Wired editor Chris Anderson's book The Long Tail on Wednesday night at Tribeca Cinemas. Thrill to blurry footage of the top half of Dealbreaker's Elizabeth Spiers's head, plus Gawker Media's own Nick Denton, shot monolithically (and unawares) from below. Oh yes, and musician David Byrne. He probably has a blog too, the sumbitch.

Because Fridays are for mindless inanity, meet the Midget Michael Jackson, who moonwalks into the hearts of all 42nd Street commuters. Shut-ins that we are, we've no idea what sort of subterranean urchins are lurking below nowadays, but this little fella seems particularly special. He's so adorable, so perfect — if his face looked just slightly younger, he'd have Jesus Juice forced down his tender throat in no time.

The first night of Vinnie Lauria's Silicon Valley bowling league went off without a hitch, according to the clip below. Unfortunate, I know. It's all Vinnie (one of the boys at social startup Meetro) talking about the friendly competition and inevitable VCs who want to hang with the dot-commers.

Not surprisingly, Owen "The Butterscotch Stallion" didn't say much during his Daily Show interview last night—the Stallion is a creature of majestic, beautiful deeds, not words. But at the onset of his chat to promote You, Me, and Dupree, Wilson seemed to be having so much trouble coaxing from his brain appropriate verbal expression of his Stallionness that a bemused Jon Stewart felt compelled to ask, "How high are you right now?" Wilson's resulting laugh and hypnotic swiveling in the guest chair gave us all the answer we already knew: Very, very high.

Hey old geek, are you still making jokes about "the Internets" — or, ugh, "the Intarweb"? Get with it — the new ironic phrase for the Net is "a series of tubes."

A real missed opportunity on this lightweight, predictable satire from The Daily Show, presenting the bizarro world North Korean version of the program. Worth it, however, for the punchiline riff on the "Moment of Zen."

Today show co-host Matt Lauer is in Russia this week reporting on the G8 summit in St. Petersburg, discussing fun Russian recipes and scoring an exclusive interview with Russian Federation president Vladimir Putin. The Today show asked for viewer questions and, not surprisingly, people were unable to shake last week's image of Putin touching a small boy "like a kitten." In a manner perfected by the sexual predator police over at Dateline, Lauer turns the issue on Putin, who explains that he just very much liked the child and the incident was "an emotional gesture." That's sweet, but it didn't help Putin's case when he added that the boy was "completely defenseless."

Because we know that New Line will totally call us in the morning if we just put out a little bit (OK, third base at most, and only if they pay for dinner), we are happy to provide this small amount of free advertising to their late summer entertainment-related product, Snakes on a Plane, by posting this 100 percent NON-EXCLUSIVE music video for the movie's official theme song. We must, however, offer this tiny critique: While the song is catchy enough and the idea of the band smuggling its deadly reptilian payload through security by distracting the X-ray tech with cleavage is cute, um....there are no motherfucking snakes on a motherfucking plane. This seems to us like an unacceptable betrayal of trust, given that the whole point of the movie* is to see Samuel L. Jackson draped in albino pythons while struggling to close overhead bins bursting with improperly stowed cobras. If you're not going to show scenes from the movie, give us the band playing a concert in an economy cabin overrun by snakes, or watching in horror as their guitars/drumsticks/the bassist suddenly transmogrify into giant serpents. Don't get cute with the concept now, New Line. You've come too far for that. We all have.

• X-Men-3:The Last Standing Ovation Trailer [YouTube]

Courtesy of the fine folks at the Apiary, here's today's unmissible clip: Amy Sedaris, NYC's own favorite cupcake (and cupcake baker), performing a musical tumbling routine with Stephen Colbert. Contains actual Colbert-crotch-to-facial, and not on Sedaris.

Memoirist Toby Young, eager to capitalize on that whole viral video thing, seems to have posted a "book signing gone wrong" video on YouTube to promote his second title, The Sound of No Hands Clapping. We're not poo-pooing the man's attempt to self-promote online; we're just a little disappointed that he wrote a fucking sketch (of the predictable "everyone hates me" theme, no less) and put it out there as if it were a video of an actual incident. And we're disappointed in ourselves for picking it up and sharing it.

Philadelphia Will Do directs us to this video of crusading journalist Geraldo Rivera visiting the City of Brotherly Love to investigate a plot to whack him. It's pretty much what you'd expect (i.e., a lot of Italian guys with whiny voices yelling, "Hey, get outta my face") but what struck us when watching was this: Why do we need the Philly mob to put a hit on Geraldo? We're New York Fuckin' City, our mob can kick your mob's ass. This sixth borough shit is getting out of control.

The New York Young Republican Club — a lonely organization that unironically bills itself as the "Oldest Young Republican Club in the Country" — yesterday protested with other like-minded groups in front of the New York Times regarding that paper's coverage of what some might call "news." Lots of hot accusatory placard action, plus a lady with a bullhorn screaming, "Everybody just shut up!". Pro-NYT forces were also in evidence. No police presence interrupted the festivities, but the proceedings were eventually dispersed by withering gale-force contempt issuing from 43rd Street.

Some of us really liked the new "Get a Mac" ads, and we thought (heterosexually) that the unshaven Mac played by Justin Long was kinda cute.

Like anything good on the Internet, the video above will be all over the place for a day or two and then gone. So we'd recommend that you watch it now. It's Ernest & Bertram, a Forsterian short concerning the relationship between two pieces of felt. Enjoy.