On the off chance that you missed it last night—and unless you were on it, you missed it—"Red Eye" "ombudsman" Andrew Levy delivered this stinging retort to our recent mention of the Fox News gabfest's generous guest policy. (Slots on the show are an automatic prize in the Post's Scratch N' Win game; the courts are still sorting out the murky issue of whether or not buying the paper actually signifies some sort of consent to appear on the program.)

Media Bowling reaches its triumphant climax this week, with big victories over Stuff, V Magazine, and a random defeat by something called "Freelance." They seemed sad. This video contains at least two disturbing things: a makeout sesh and a declaration of paternity. Don't worry, kids, that man isn't actually your daddy. Probably.

• Ari Gold? Drums? Yeah. [MySpace]

There was a scintillating "Today Show" tutorial this morning about coffee: How to buy it, how to make it, how to drink it, etc. Throughout the entire segment newsreader Ann Curry vehemently disagreed with the guest expert, rolling her eyes and sighing like Al Gore in a presidential debate. Ann takes her coffee seriously. As does everyone who has to watch her. Here's the last drop.

• Director of 'A Christmas Story,' son killed in PCH crash [LAT]

It's so nice that Martha Kostyra Stewart let Rachel Dratch into her home—well, studio—for the Easter holiday. Especially since Rachel is a Jew and seems totally weirded out by the Polish Easter meal that Martha is preparing. It's like, you can almost hear her thinking, "Didn't your grandfather kill my grandfather in that forest outside of Krakow?" Or something like that! Anyway, we've put together some of the highlights from this morning's broadcast. Do enjoy, and Happy Easter.

• VIDEO HITS ONE: Alanis Morissette Ironically Covers "My Humps" (Seriously, I Swear To God) [BWE]

• Snoop Dogg Says: ''F*ck Bill O'Reilly!'' TBOHipHop.net [YouTube via NinjaDude]

NICK DOUGLAS — Justin Kan of Justin.tv makes good 24/7 video, but a two-minute Today Show appearance? Not so much. The San Franciscan "lifecaster," who streams live from a camera attached to his head, woke up at 3 to talk with Today co-host Ann Curry. After the interview, Justin went home, where he complained about Today's poor preparation (he contrasted it to the competent folks at G4TV) and Curry's "irritating" questions. But hey, that awkward interview brought several thousand simultaneous viewers (who overwhelmed the poorly scaled Justin.tv feed).

· A single Huckabees parody video per day is never enough, so here's another one.
· Out of all the late-series, Cousin Oliver-type characters from the 80's sitcoms, we always thought Chrissy from Growing Pains was going to turn out to be the bad seed. Guess we were wrong.
· Michael Jackson shocker! Erstwhile King of Pop a possible attention-whoring malingerer!
· Jenna Jameson suffering from that not-so-fresh, just-had-my-labia-blasted-off-with-lasers feeling.
· Hey, totally adorable, hand-holding otters!

· The entire Sopranos story, in just seven minutes! Who's got that kind of time? With some judicious cutting, we bet someone could get it down to a more YouTube-friendly 90 seconds.
· Diddy is brazenly stealing all his freak-you-wild material from Smoove B: "As soon as we landed, we went straight to the Eiffel Tower, drank champagne at the top and just kissed and kissed. Then we went up to my suite and had tantric sex for at least 30 hours, ordering up whipped cream and strawberries while we were at it. As meticulous as I am with my work, I'm more meticulous with lovemaking. I like to do it for a long time."
· Realizing that he hadn't been involved in a petty war of words in nearly 12 hours and desperate for the rush only pointless public confrontation can provide, feud-junkie Donald Trump picks a fight with a golfing magazine.
· No blood for mohel.
· After reading this story, our first thought was: Michael Jackson can't even afford health insurance anymore. How's he going to pay for the upkeep on the 50-foot robot?

Believe it or not, there's something valuable to be learned from this video of Tinsley Mortimer getting all dolled up for a photo shoot for Social Life* magazine. In the interview portion of the clip, Tinsley mentions that she likes dresses with an "empire waist," but she pronounces it "empeer." We were all, "Ohoho, Tinsley is dumb!" But then we remembered having heard someone on Project Runway—someone kind of smart, not Kayne or Angela—pronounce it that way too. So we asked Faran Krentcil, who ought to know because she is a Fashionista, to explicate.

You may or may not have heard—there's been so little coverage of it—but a new Whole Foods opened at Houston and Bowery this morning. What sort of person shops there, or sulks angrily outside? We sent The Assimilated Negro and Richard Blakeley to investigate.

Inspired by the above story of two teenage Saw fans whose mischief is bringing a fresh wave of attention to the hugely successful horror franchise, always-innovative AfterDark CEO Courtney Solomon is scrambling to organize Captivity "phone teams" to call middle-aged women in poor health in key markets, hoping that mysterious messages that their daughters have been kidnapped and tortured by a maniac might induce the same kind of publicity-attracting cerebrovascular episodes that might raise awareness for his little abduction flick.

Women of a certain age in this town hardly need to be informed of the lip-plumping, wrinkle-eradicating properties of non-animal-sourced hyaluronic acid, rendering this viral campaign for Restylane (thanks, helpful publicists who believe our readers would be interested in their client's miracle product) all the more bizarre. Maybe their market research has revealed that middle-aged producers' wives who've recently been discarded in favor of twentysomething assistants frequently hunt for anonymous revenge-sex on the YouTubes and the MySpaces, where they might stumble upon the ad dramatizing the kind of liberating, youth-restoring cougar-maulings they'll enjoy once the initial swelling and bruising of their first round of injections subsides.

Our friends at Comedy Central left us a voicemail! Apparently the media bowling league competition has turned ugly. Actually we just have one friend at Comedy Central—this is [UPDATE: From a jerkface who has since apologized. Albeit at gunpoint.] Language NSFW. Unless you work at Viacom, we guess.

Last night's CBS 2 local news broadcast featured this chilling footage of a vehicular accident of the kind of intensity rarely seen outside of high-speed chases between overly aggressive paparazzi and their coked-up, Hyde-departing quarry, a near-tragedy that could have pointlessly robbed Hollywood of one of its brightest stars. At first, it seemed as if crash victim Eddie Griffin escaped the incident unscathed, but the actor's subsequent references to himself as a character from an obscure film of five years ago may indicate the onset of a troubling post-traumatic stress disorder.

An anonymous little tipster-birdie just alerted us to the appearance of this Grey's Anatomy third-season* gag reel on the YouTubes, which we are more than happy to pass along despite being worth barely more than the kind of chuckle of recognition one might share while drunk on free wrap party booze with a coworker they've previously strangled. Towards the end of the clip, there's a cute bit featuring unofficial TR Knight bodyguard Katherine Heigl lightly satirizing the well-documented behind-the-scenes drama we've all had so much fun reading about over the preceding months, but it falls a little short of its mark due to Heigl's too-safe choice to replace the f-bomb we've learned to associate with the Grey's set with one that's an accepted part of routine tirades on virtually any TV production.