To all those critics of Gwyneth Paltrow's GOOP, the inane newsletter and website that serves as a repository for Paltrow's infinite wisdom, know this: Gwynnie "feels sorry" for you, since you probably haven't had a life as "blessed" and "unique" as hers. [USA Today]

• "There's only so much due diligence you can do," hedge fund manager Arki Busson explained to Bloomberg News when asked how he managed to get suckered by Bernie Madoff. This is especially true when you spend most of your time chasing models and actresses. [BN]
• Bernie Madoff's lawyer says his client will agree to "tightened bail requirements" to stay out of jail. Maybe he could be confined to his bathroom instead of his entire apartment? [BN]
• Bank of America started handing out pink slips yesterday as it plans to cut 35,000 employees following the merger of BofA and Merrill Lynch. [NYP]
• Bill Ackman's Pershing Square lost 12 percent in 2008. [BN]
• The SEC has reopened its investigation into insider trading allegations at Art Samberg's Pequot Capital. [WSJ]
• Wilbur Ross would like to buy a bank if you've got one to sell him. [CNN]

Designer Carolina Herrera turns 70 today. Rock legend David Bowie is celebrating his 62nd. R. Kelly is 42. Baseball players Jason Giambi and Carl Pavano are 38 and 33, respectively. DJ Clue is 34. Sean Paul is turning 36. Wolfgang Puck is turning 60. Former Ford Foundation president Susan Berresford is 66. Composer David Lang is turning 52. And game show host Bob Eubanks is 71.

• One of Martha Stewart's former "prison pals" says she recently approached the domestic diva for help with her medical bills and all she got in return was an autographed photo. So now she's making money the old-fashioned way: She's spilling details on Martha's time behind bars to the National Enquirer. [NE]
• Speed the Plow's backers say they've had Jeremy Piven tested for mercury poisoning by a second doctor, and may sue him if the results come back negative. [NYP]
• Nevan Donahue, Olivia Palermo's annoying cousin and a regular on The City, was busted for trying to pick up a prostitute in Palm Beach in 2007, and has a warrant out for his arrest. [P6]

Considering Barack Obama offered the job of Surgeon General to CNN's Sanjay Gupta, it's only to be expected that some equally surprising political appointments would get bandied about. Here's another one you can add to the list: Rumor has it that Obama is thinking about naming Anna Wintour as his ambassador to England or France, at least according to the "extremely insider rumors" picked up by Fashion Week Daily. Excellent choice! Not only will it go a long way to restoring America's reputation on the European continent, it will functions as the perfect exit strategy for Anna as Vogue continues its downward descent!

• Vivienne Westwood may have designed Carrie's wedding dress for the first Sex and the City movie, but she'd like to write the script for the sequel, and she's even written to Sarah Jessica Parker to make her case. [Telegraph]
• Tracy Feith is the latest designer who has been tapped to do a line for Target. [WWD]
• Fern Mallis says IMG has confirmed 52 designers— including Calvin Klein, Donna Karan and Michael Kors—for Fashion Week in February. [WSJ]
• Marchesa will be showing, too. [Fashionista]
• Photos of Isaac Mizrahi's new collection for Liz Claiborne. [Pipeline]
• Go alert your mom: Carolina Herrera says long hair after 40 is "out" in her book. "Women need to learn how to age gracefully." [Times UK]

Guess the commercial real estate market hasn't cratered completely. The city's Parks Department has sold the vending rights for the north-side entrance of the Metropolitan Museum of Art at Fifth Avenue and 82nd Street for $362,201. [NYP via Curbed]

We're going to take a wild guess and say that Vivi Nevo and Zhang Ziyi's winter vacation was more exciting than yours. [X17, Xinhua]

• One sign we're in a recession: The Times published an article today on the joys of eating squirrel. Guess we'll see you in Central Park later tonight! [NYT]
• Frank Bruni calls Rouge Tomate "impressive" and gives it one star in today's New York Times, although he also reports the food "lacks punch." [NYT]
• Kefi has been shut down by the Department of Health. [Eater]
• Forge owners Marc Forgione and Christopher Blumlo are changing the name of their eatery to avoid a lawsuit by a similarly-named spot in Miami. [NYO]
• Brooklyn's Patois isn't closing after all; it's moving across the street. [Zagat]
• JoeDoe in the East Village is offering a new three-course, $35 prix fixe called the "Madoff menu." But where are the pork sausages? [GS]

One person you probably didn't expect to be profiting from Bernie Madoff's $50 billion Ponzi scheme: Fabiola Beracasa! The oft-photographed social butterfly has a day job, in case you were unaware: She's the creative director of CIRCA, the estate jewelry company where "Madoff-related jewels had been incoming all month, like expensive shrapnel," according to the current issue of The New Yorker. Fabiola's boss, Chris Del Gatto (left), says his company has been inundated with precious pieces since news of the scandal broke, which he then proceeds to prove to reporter Lizzie Widdicombe by dumping a manila envelope filled with "the day's harvest from Palm Beach"—more than $250,000 worth of jewels—on a desk. Del Gatto is quick to point out that he isn't a "pirate" for profiting off desperate sellers. (If anything, his outfit here strikes as "safari guide" more than anything else.) And he adds that his firm has since had to assume the role of "priest, rabbi, and psychiatrist" to help distraught Madoff investors cope with the loss of family heirlooms. It's a role we imagine Fabiola has settled into quite nicely considering her first-hand experience with the subject.

If you've been waiting for video of Walter and Monica Noel in all their glory, Business Sheet has a clip of the Madoff enablers from a 2000 British documentary called The Man Who Bought Mustique. Bonus: Wait until the end of the clip and you'll hear the subject of the film describe the couple as "worms" and "frightfully badly behaved snobs." [Business Sheet]

A source close to Ron Perelman says the billionaire financier is not selling off his 190-foot yacht for $67 million because he's experiencing any financial difficulties. Just like Carl Icahn indicated a couple of months ago, it's because he's planning to upgrade to an even bigger boat, which he plans to unveil at a star-studded party at the Cannes Film Festival in May! Please pass along the good news to Daniel Benedict and Andrew Saffir if you see them! [NYO]

Andre Balazs may have inadvertently stumbled on a brilliant new hotel amenity. A tipster who stayed at Balazs' new Standard NYC last week tells us the hotel is making up for its lack of a restaurant by not only providing guests with menu binders in their rooms, but you can also call down to the front desk, tell them what you want to eat, and they'll do the ordering for you. Sadly, it appears the service is only temporary. Then it's back to holding guests hostage with $35 hamburgers and $6 cups of coffee.

Have you noticed how Diane von Furstenberg is mentioned every five seconds on The City? Of course you have: That's where Whitney Port and Olivia Palermo spend their days "working"! But in case you've been ogling DVF's clothes on the show and you've been disappointed to find out that most of the items are no longer available, DVF comes to the rescue with possible alternatives:

Arianna Huffington and Tina Brown are locked in a bitter battle to line up high-profile contributors for their respective websites/blog networks, but it looks like Arianna will emerge as this week's winner: She's convinced cranky billionaire Carl Icahn to not only blog on his own site, but also post the same pieces on the Huffington Post. Now you can not read Icahn's boring missives on two sites instead of one!

• Not surprisingly, nearly every major network is planning "longer and more exhaustive" coverage of the inauguration compared to years past. [NYT]
• Ugly day at Time Warner: The company is reporting its annual first loss in six years and is writing down $25 billion in the fourth quarter. [BN]
• Is Dick Parsons in line to become Commerce Secretary? [B&C]
• Forbes laid off 19 people yesterday. [ATD]
• People's Jess Cagle is taking over as managing editor of EW. [NYP]
• Michael Hirschorn thinks it's possible the New York Times will go bust in the next year; the Observer says Times boss Arthur Sulzberger Jr. is the "media mensch of the year." Go figure! [Atlantic, NYO]
• Lloyd Grove's 4,100-word article on Sumner Redstone is online. [Portfolio]
• If a cable news doctor can be Surgeon General, we probably shouldn't be surprised to see that Joe the Plumber is now a war correspondent. [NYP]

It sounds like the perfect pastime for anyone obsessed with staying young who also happens to enjoy a little light masochism. "Extreme cryotherapy" is like an anti-sauna: You enter a chamber that's chilled to 216 degrees below freezing, which is "nearly 100 degrees colder than the lowest natural temperature ever recorded on Earth." Immediately, as ABC reporter Nick Watt discovers, you feel like your heart is "about to explode.... mixed with a strange euphoria." While remaining in the chamber longer than two minutes will quite possibly kill you, if you do survive, your skin ought to look a bit younger, which is obviously totally worth the risk of sudden organ failure.

Here we were thinking that the nation's porn industry was recession-proof. Guess not! According to TMZ, Joe Francis and Larry Flynt are now seeking a $5 billion bailout for the adult entertainment industry since X-rated DVD sales are down 22 percent from a year ago. "Congress seems willing to help shore up our nation's most important businesses; we feel we deserve the same consideration," Francis explained, adding that he plans to head to Capitol Hill to make his appeal in person. Get ready for record ratings, C-SPAN! [TMZ]

Richard Prince's appropriation art has long been popular with big-name collectors, but there's at least one person seeing red over Prince's most recent works, which went on display at Larry Gagosian's gallery last month and are featured in a new book by Rizzoli. Photographer Patrick Cariou filed a lawsuit against Prince, Gagosian, and Rizzoli last week for using a number of his photographs in Prince's "Canal Zone" exhibition without his consent, pics that Cariou alleges first appeared in his 2000 book, Yes Rasta. Prince, of course, has spent decades using other images in his works. What's different this time around? Cariou says that in the past Prince has typically relied on "anonymous commercial imagery." This time, though, he took advantage of Cariou's hard work since the photos in question were derived from the "ten years he spent in the secluded mountains of Jamaica, gaining access to, living and working with, and earning the trust of the Rastafarians who are the subjects of Yes Rasta." There's one party, though, who we imagine is very happy to have avoided any further legal trouble: disgraced author James Frey, who penned the text in Prince's book, but isn't named in the lawsuit. You can review the full suit for yourself below.

Say goodbye to free WiFi in Central Park. The service has become the latest casualty of the recession, now that city officials say they can no longer afford the expense of maintaining the network without any a sponsor willing to foot the bill. On the upside, you probably won't notice its absence for a while, since there aren't too many people sitting in Central Park with their laptops out in the middle of winter. [Crain's]