• Bernie Madoff's brokerage firm, which is now up for sale, probably won't fetch more than $10 million, according to a report drafted by Lazard. The investment bank goes on to point out that Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities is now a "tarnished" brand. Really, you think? [Bloomberg]
• A report by the Financial Industry Regulatory Authority suggests that Madoff may not have made a single trade on behalf of his investors. [AP]
• Attorney General Andrew Cuomo has issued subpoenas to determine whether money manager Ezra Merkin may have defrauded investors by putting their money in Madoff's hands without their knowledge. [NYT]
• Meet Frank DiPascali Jr., Bernie's former right-hand who is now under investigation for his role in Madoff's scheme. [Bloomberg]

To the pantheon of emasculating/liberating modern man accoutrements—guyliner, body waxing, Hermès man-purses—we can now add one more: wearing an overpriced diamond ring to broadcast that someone was willing to snap you up and put you on lockdown. As increasing numbers of women—not to mention the gays—decide to pop the question, a British jewelry chain has unveiled a male engagement ring, a very manly "titanium band embedded with a discreet diamond." Sadly, you can't yet get anything similar at Zales or even Tiffany, but perhaps this is a revolution that David Yurman, given his commitment to humanitarianism, might like to pioneer?

How many New York Times reporters does it take to cover a plane crash? 34. No wonder the paper had to mortgage its office building. [Doree]

When even Simon Doonan, Barneys creative director and all-round style oracle, says that everyone needs to stop obsessing about Michelle Obama's fashion choices, we should probably pay attention. As he confides to NPR, he's "increasingly uncomfortable with this hysteria about what's she's going to wear and how she looks... you know, you want her to be known for something else: education, mental health, I don't know what else, but she has to be known for something other than looking great in a shift dress." Not that Doonan's own sartorial advice can—nor ever should!—be withheld: For the new First Lady, who has "that great physicality," he counsels simplicity. "When you start adding couture ruffles and fooffles and bows, you could get into trouble." We're sure Michelle is adding "no fooffles" to her pledges immediately.

• Art collector Roy Judelson, the son of Gulf & Western co-founder David Judelson, and his wife Mary have sold their six-bedroom townhouse at 113 East 78th Street for $12.46 million, three months after paying $10.5 million for a smaller apartment a few blocks away. The 5,500-square-foot, five-floor residence, which originally went on the market for $17.5 million back in June, was purchased by a family trust controlled by Jim and Michael Peterson, sons of billionaire Blackstone co-founder Pete Peterson. The floorplan is after the jump. [Cityfile]
• The 5,000-square-foot Greenwich home that appeared in the 2006 movie The Good Shepherd is on the market for $11.995 million. It was originally listed for $13.25 million in September. [WSJ, Sotheby's]

Just when we were thinking there was no possible way John Catsimatidis would consider running for mayor, he pulls a fast one and suggests yet again that he really is seriously thinking about giving it a shot. According to campaign finance documents, the supermarket kingpin gave his campaign a $1 million loan last week. Now he just needs to set aside another $80 million or so, and he'll be good to go! [City Room, previously]

• Bank of America landed $20 billion in additional aid to help it absorb Merrill Lynch. It also posted a loss of $1.79 billion for the fourth quarter. [NYT, WSJ]
• Citigroup reported an $8.29 billion quarterly loss. The beleaguered bank also said it plans to reorganize the company into two business units. [WSJ, NYT]
• UBS is selling parts of its commodities business to Barclays. [FT]
• AIG is paying a total of $619 million to retain employees. [NYP]
• Morgan Stanley and Citi are pulling clients' money from a fund run by Union Bancaire Privée, after it was exposed to Bernie Madoff. [DB]
• Citi is hiring! And you thought it was only laying people off these days. [NYP]

Kate Moss turns 35 today. Page Six's Richard Johnson is turning 55. Gourmet editor Ruth Reichl is celebrating her 61st. Republican fundraiser (and cosmetics company founder) Georgette Mosbacher is 62. Strokes guitarist Nick Valensi is turning 28. Dr. Laura Schlessinger is 62. And the singer Sade is 50. Weekend birthdays appear after the jump!

• Sarah Jessica Parker is dying to cast Britney Spears as Carrie Bradshaw's younger cousin or niece in the next Sex and the City movie, or at least that's the rumor anyway. [MTV]
• Jeremy Piven was not on the plane that crashed yesterday, just in case you were worried or anything. [NYDN]
• Lindsay Lohan says she works "as hard" as other actors, but she gets no credit due to the "mess that I created in my life." [NYP]
• Is John McCain thwarting our chance to see Cindy McCain on Dancing With the Stars? Say it isn't so! [P6]

• Karl Lagerfeld on the recession: "Bling is over. Red carpety covered with rhinestones is out. I call it 'the new modesty.' " Of course, said recession isn't affecting Karl personally, who says he has "no budget" and that "throwing money out the window brings money back in through the front door." [NYT]
• Saks is laying off 9% of its workforce. [WWD]
• A clip from The September Issue, the new Vogue documentary, is online. [Fashionista]
• Roberto Cavalli is selling a stake in his company. [FWD]
• The Forever 21 that turned into a Century 21 is a Forever 21 again. [Racked]
• Designers are scrambling to dress inauguration-goers, not that most residents of Washington seem to be terribly interested. [NYT]

Good news! The FAA says all 155 people aboard the US Airways jet that crashed in the Hudson River have survived. [NYDN, NYT]

If one of your co-workers suddenly shows up to work dressed like a complete slut, there may be a good explanation for it: She may just be hoping to hang on to her job. In a poll involving 3,000 women, 27 percent of the respondents said they'd be willing to wear a "slightly risky outfit" to work if it meant they'd get a bonus or promotion. [Daily Mail]

Not surprisingly, America's fishermen weren't so happy to see Jeremy Piven put down their livelihood on GMA this morning and tell the world that he hasn't eaten fish in five months and has no plans to start any time soon. The National Fisheries Institute, a seafood trade association, has struck back with a rebuttal. It's in the form of subtitles that appear below Piven's interview. (And we're pretty happy we just learned a new word: macro-psychotic.) Looks like the ball is now in your court, Piven. [YouTube]

• Union Prime and Onda both open today. [NYT]
• Terrance Brennan's Artisanal just added a grilled-cheese bar. Oy. [GS]
• Black Iron Burger Shop is the latest victim of the dining crime spree. [Eater]
• Bad news, coffee addicts: prices are expected to shoot up this year. [NYDN]
• Kelly Choi has signed on to host the new Top Chef spinoff. [TONY]
• A few suggestions on where to eat and drink on inauguration night. [RG]
• Were you lucky enough to earn an invite to the inaugural dinner? Enjoy the duck, pheasant, seafood stew, and apple-cinnamon sponge cake! [TFB]

Actress (and aspiring gym entrepreneur!) Gwyneth Paltrow was kind enough to post a list of her favorite restaurants and hotels on that new lifestyle website of hers, Goop.com. Lots of the usual suspects are mentioned, like Balthazar and Babbo, which is owned by her food travel show co-host, Mario Batali, naturally. The hotels reflect the places she's lived for the past year while her apartment is being renovated. (That sounds cost efficient!) So where has Gwynnie spent the past 12 months? She says she's only mentioned the places she "loved," a list that includes the Lowell, Bowery, Carlyle, Mercer, and the Inn at Irving Place. But she throws in the Greenwich Hotel, too, although she admits she's yet to see the place. "It looks good on the website anyway." Good enough for us! [Goop via Eater]

Is it possible the board of 133 East 64th Street will eject Bernie Madoff from the co-op? It's possible, but don't count on it, says Braden Keil. David Brooks, the former CEO of body-armor maker DHB Industries who was charged with conspiracy and insider trading in late 2007—he was accused of using $10 million of company money to pay for his daughter's bat mitzvah, among other things—was supposedly booted from One Beacon Court late last year, although he remains in the building. Here's a thought: If prosecutors are so determined to put Madoff in jail pending trial, maybe they could encourage the co-op board to kick him out, send a city marshall to his door to enforce the eviction, and then arrest him for violating his bail by stepping out of his building? Et voila!

A US Airways flight carrying 148 people went down in the Hudson River about an hour ago, reportedly after flying into a flock of birds. News reports indicate many passengers may still be in the water, so if you've been complaining about how cold you are today, you should probably shut up now. [NYT, CNN]

Jeremy Piven sat down with Diane Sawyer on the set of GMA this morning to clarify his recent bout with mercury poisoning and defend his decision to drop out of Speed-the-Plow. It's a little sad to see Piven spin around in increasingly desperate circles, alternately dropping in the names of the doctors he's consulted while also pointing out that he doesn't normally "do" Western medicine. But at least you can go back to eating spicy tuna rolls without fear. [ABC News]

A couple of weeks ago, the Post's Keith Kelly reported that execs at Condé Nast were growing increasingly concerned about the company's bloated Web budget. Well, it looks like they've figured out one way to trim costs: recycle content from other publications! Last fall, The Daily published a chart of famous fashion figures ideally suited to top jobs in the new administration. Today, Style.com published... a chart of famous fashion figures ideally suited to top jobs in the new administration. It's very nice to see that both The Daily and Style.com agree that Donna Karan should be Secretary of Health of Human Resources. She really would be a perfect fit. (We've always thought mandatory Kabbalah classes in public schools is just what this country needs right now.) The idea of Donatella Versace as Secretary of Defense (The Daily), or Karl Lagerfeld as Secretary of Transportation (Style.com)? Fortunately, both are foreign citizens, so you don't have to worry about those scenarios just yet.