If you've been feeling in less than sparkling health lately, don't blame your diet of Hostess cupcakes and Marlboro Lights: It's work that shortens life expectancy, say experts. Jobs with high stress and low autonomy trigger cardiovascular disease, it turns out. But even unstressful and dull jobs are dangerous: "If you spend your working life in a job that's basically boring," warns one Dr. Doom, "you're at risk of dying sooner." If it's any consolation, the idle rich aren't immune to life-threatening conditions: Apparently, affluence "provides no protection from the ill effects of tobacco." And there we were thinking that inhaled carcinogens would know to behave themselves in the lungs of an expensively-dressed resident of the 10021!

A word of advice: If you happen to be a hotel manager and you notice an employee come to work with a bit of ash on his forehead, you may want to check a calendar before demanding that he "wipe that fucking shit off." It could be Ash Wednesday! Unfortunately, no one bothered to mention this to Niklaus Leuenberger, the (former) managing director of the Palace Hotel who was fired on Monday for doing just that. Of course, the rather unique location of the hotel probably didn't help Leuenberger's cause. Not only is the Palace conveniently located across the street from St. Patrick's, the church owns the property the hotel sits on, too. [NYDN]

With hype for the April opening of Topshop's Soho store going into hysterical overdrive, those in charge of managing the PR must be thrilled to see that the Brit girls in New York are patriotically unequivocal in their enthusiasm for the brand. Especially since the descriptions of the clothes they share with the Observer's Meredith Bryant are so, uh, evocative, not to mention the fact that British accents—indicated by plentiful emphatic italicization—lend authority to more or less any random string of words!

Janet Jackson and Jermaine Dupri arriving at LaGuardia ... Hilary Duff filming scenes for Law & Order in Harlem ... Claire Danes walking with Hugh Dancy in Soho ... Jason Bateman arriving at City Stages on West 19th ... 50 Cent leaving his hotel in Midtown ... Edie Falco walking along the Hudson River with her kids and her dog ... Reese Witherspoon walking by herself ... Sarah Jessica Parker heading to the set of her new movie on the Upper East Side ... Jennifer Aniston leaving her hotel downtown ... and Ciara leaving dinner at the Waverly Inn, shortly after Russell Simmons and Nick Cannon made their exits.

It's not just real estate and jewelry that's getting sold off amid the downturn. New Yorkers are selling off their genetic assets these days, too. Reps at the Sperm Bank of New York say there's been as much as a 25 percent increase in applications since December, while a local fertility center claims the number of women looking to sell their eggs—for a $10,000 payday—has doubled. Do note, though, that the centers say applicants are put through a "battery of screenings" to rule out anyone suffering from "economically induced stress." So if you've been reduced to ejaculating into a cup for cash, try and put on a brave face and not look too depressed about it. [AMNY]

• Pharmaceutical exec Richard Ullman's $75 million duplex at 15 CPW isn't the only major listing he has on the market at the moment. He's also put his 44th-floor condo at the Trump International—which he picked up for $8 million five years ago—up for sale for $18.45 million. [NYO, Trump Realty]
• One Life to Live star Catherine Hickland and her estranged husband, fellow soap opera actor Michael Knight of All My Children, have sold their 12th-floor co-op at 255 West 84th Street for $2.3 million. [Cityfile]
• Broadway producer Marty Richards has paid $4.375 million for a three-bedroom apartment at 21 East 96th Street. [NYO]
• Glenview Capital partner Jeffrey Patterson and his wife Patricia have listed their four-bedroom triplex at 15 East 82nd Street for $12 million, less than a year after buying it for $9.9 million. [NYO, BHS]

Institutional Investor's Alpha magazine released its ranking of the top 25 hedge fund managers today. You'll be happy to hear that even though most people ended 2008 on a gloomy note, a handful of men who were already worth billions made billions more last year thanks to their canny trading strategies or the fact they predicted (correctly!) that a major shakeout was headed our way. In first place was Jim Simons, the former math professor who started the hedge fund Renaissance Technologies and who earned $2.5 billion on the basis of his complex computer-driven approach to the market. In second place: John Paulson, who totally saw the housing market was going to hell in a handbasket, bet big as a result, and has $2 billion to show for his efforts.

Finally, science has come up with a truly useful tool for single women to use on their manhunt, and even better, it will negate the entire demoralizing industry of Greg Behrendt-style books. According to researchers, if a man makes eye contact with a woman for at least 8.2 seconds, he is just that into her; any less and you're wasting your precious time, risking your future happiness, and squandering any hope of marriage and babies! We suggest going out on Friday night with a large, conspicuous stopwatch in your hand, just to add an extra filter to any men who might be less than serious in their intentions. [DM]

How desperate is Raymond Weil president Benny Shabtai to unload his townhouse at 870 Park Avenue? Desperate enough to cut more than $13 million off its price, apparently. The 13-room, 11,875-square-foot Robert A.M. Stern-designed mansion, which has been on-and-off the market since 2004, was listed with Paula Del Nunzio for $33 million in March 2008. Since then, Shabtai has switched brokers (he's hired Carrie Chiang) and cut the price twice, dropping it down to $26.75 million last September and then down to $19.95 million earlier this week. A floorplan and photos of the renovated spread—which features a double-height living room, spiral staircase, a paneled library, six bedrooms, and a four-passenger elevator—after the jump.

Sarah Jessica Parker is turning 44 today. Gloria Steinem turns 75. Elton John is 62. Daniel Boulud is turning 54. Socialite Arden Wohl turns 26. Matthew Barney is 42. Eileen Ford is 87. Aretha Franklin turns 67. Marcia Cross is 47. Today Show film critic Gene Shalit is turning 77. Katharine McPhee is 25. Race car driver Danica Patrick turns 27. The rapper Juvenile is turning 34. And actress Lark Voorhies, best known as Lisa Turtle on Saved by the Bell, is turning 35.

• Matt Lauer's "deer incident" won't keep him down for long. He's reportedly in "good spirits" after undergoing surgery yesterday to repair a separated shoulder and will be back to work in a few days. [Star]
• How did Bruce Willis meet his new wife, Emma Heming? He picked her out during a casting call, just like any normal person. [P6]
• Lindsay Lohan is sick of "people telling lies" about her since she's "really a good person" who just wants to put in a honest day's work. Got that? Good. [People, Us]
• Barbara Walters is planning to quit ABC in the near future so she can "spend more time with her boyfriend, Dr. Robert Butler." Or at least that's what "industry insiders" are telling the Enquirer. [NE]
• The cutbacks at Condé Nast continue: Editors like David Remnick and Ruth Reichl have been forced to take the subway! [NYP]

• Congress's efforts to recoup bonuses at AIG appear to have cooled over the past few days. And President Obama will make an effort to repair relations with Wall Street when he sits down with a dozen bank CEOs on Friday. [WSJ]
• More on Tim Geithner's proposal yesterday that the government be given the authority to take control of troubled financial institutions. [NYT]
• HSBC is planning to lay off 1,200 people in the UK. [DB]
• Hedge funders may see pay drop by as much as 25 percent this year. [BN]
• A Steve Rattner-less Quadrangle Group has decided to temporarily suspend efforts to raise a third private equity fund. [peHUB]
• More big names have decided to leave Merrill Lynch. [FT, WSJ]
• AIG says it sold two of its jets and has cancelled delivery of two more. [ABC]
• An employee with AIG shares his resignation letter: He says he's been "betrayed by AIG" and "unfairly persecuted by elected officials." [NYT]

• Barneys is trimming staff: The company cut 76 jobs today. [Crains]
• Topshop's signage is here! And a whole bunch of people will be on hand for the big opening on April 1, naturally. [Racked, NYP]
• Sign o' the times: The old New York sign in Midtown has been replaced by one for Burberry. [Racked]
• The Valentino doc did pretty well for itself its opening weekend. [FWD]
• Tiffany posted a sharp drop in fourth quarter profit. [NYT]
• Remember those fish pedicures that generated so much press a few months back? You may want to note the practice is now banned in 14 states. [WSJ]

Gov. David Paterson is so unpopular that he may have to fend off Andrew Cuomo in the 2010 Democratic gubernatorial primary. Maybe it's time to take a page from the Cuomo playbook and give the ol' iron fist a try? Paterson announced today that he plans to lay off 8,900 state employees now that unions have refused to make concessions on pay and benefits. [NYDN]

• It's like Kozmo.com all over again: A site called Wakozi will now deliver booze to your door in Manhattan. Bklyn and Qns coming soon! [Wakozi via TT]
• If you shelled out big bucks for premium seating at the new Yankee Stadium, at least your taste buds will reap the rewards: Both Masaharu Morimoto and April Bloomfield of the Spotted Pig will be putting in appearances. [NYT]
• Tonda opens in the space formerly occupied by E.U. tonight. [Eater]
• Pierre Schaedelin talks about the biz and his bistro Benoit. [Gothamist]
• Good World will serve up its last drink on Saturday night. [GS]
• Will the restaurant industry "be blown away by the current economic storms"? Tim Zagat, not surprisingly, says the answer is "no." [Atlantic]
• Greenhouse has "hands-down rudest doormen in the five boroughs." [MM]
• Alain Ducasse and his wife Gwénaëlle just had a baby boy named Arzhel. And he now has a wax figure of himself in Paris, too, which can't hurt. [P6]

A photographer snapped a picture of the pad that Treasury secretary Tim Geithner used to jot down notes during his Congressional hearing earlier today. No, we have absolutely no idea what it says either. But it's nice to see the stationary has arrived! And you're more than welcome to look at a larger pic and venture a guess yourself. Just let us know if you decode any secret messages about the economic future of America. [HuffPo]

Life is filled with so many difficult decisions. Take, for example, the question that the Oxygen network posed to a group of women as part of a recent survey: Would you rather win America's Next Top Model or the Nobel Peace Prize? Not surprisingly, 25 percent of respondents said they'd take the modeling industry's most coveted title over the one that celebrates people who, like, make the world a better place, which may have something to do with the fact that winning ANTM brings with it a possible fast food contract and an In Touch cover, while joining the ranks of Muhammad Yunus, Wangari Muta Maathai, and Shirin Ebadi doesn't sound all that sexy. When have any of them been featured on the cover of a magazine, huh? (Foreign Affairs doesn't count; it doesn't even have pictures on the cover!)

Remember those crazy days when what mattered at work was whether you were good at the job (and if you were loathed/feared by your coworkers and subordinates, well, so much the better)? In the recession's latest weird warping of accepted mores, we're now being told that being nice and upbeat is the best way to dodge a pink slip. A Harvard Business Review article, "How to Protect Your Job in a Recession," identifies the characteristics of "recession survivors" as "cheerful, likable, generous contributors, and not necessarily the most skilled and proficient."

It's hard to find stuff to be cheerful about these days, isn't it? Today is not one of those days. A new report shows that New York is the 15th safest state in the nation, a nice bump up from 2008 when New York was ranked 20th. Just 4.2 murders and 15.2 rapes per 100,000 people! Also: Stay away from Nevada. It's really dangerous there! [NYDN]

Remember how author Daphne Merkin downplayed her brother's connection to Bernie Madoff in the Times this past weekend, describing Ezra Merkin as "a sibling who did business with him," and then suggesting that Madoff's victims weren't really victims, since no one held a gun to their heads and demanded their cash? We weren't the only ones surprised by the bizarro op-ed. The Times agrees that a bit more disclosure was warranted, according to an email a reader received from Times public editor Clark Hoyt: