It's time to put aside worries about the economy, Iranian nuclear proliferation, and whether Countess Luann de Lesseps will get to keep her title after her divorce, because a national issue of (literally) epic proportions needs explaining: Why are DD-cup bras so much more popular than they used to be? Are boobs getting bigger? Is it the prevalence of implants, the obesity epidemic, hormones in the water supply? Or is it simply that Oprah told women to go get fitted for the right bra size already?

Michael Wolff called us about 374 times last week, insisting that he needed to speak with us about our story last month that revealed Wolff has been carrying on an affair with a former Vanity Fair intern and self-described "femme fatale" named Victoria Floethe. We didn't bother talking to Wolff, mainly because although he says he plans to write about his "downfall" in an upcoming issue of Vanity Fair, we hear editor-in-chief Graydon Carter would really rather Wolff indulge in his silly conspiracy theories elsewhere. In the meantime, though, we've put his tedious calls to good use with a Michael Wolff ringtone! You can listen to it above. Or you can download the MP3 version for your phone here. Sure, it's a huge step down from some of the other personalities we've turned into ringtones thus far (Anna! Andre! Padma! Isaac!) But we did do a Bernie Madoff ringtone a couple of months back, so Michael is in good company.

Burned-out Car on York & 60th St [NYCGrid via Curbed]

Christiane Amanpour talking on her cell phone outside the Time Warner Center ... Rachel Zoe shopping in Soho ... Kim Kardashian and Brittny Gastineau watching the Knicks game at Madison Square Garden ... Brad Pitt arriving at JFK ... Sarah Jessica Parker leaving her West Village townhouse in the rain ... Beth Ostrosky getting into an SUV ... Jason Bateman walking around on the set of The Baster ... Miley Cyrus leaving the Peninsula Hotel ... and Katy Perry arriving at Irving Plaza for a sound check before her show.

Good news for those of you who have little concern for the current economic or environmental climate: Damon Dash is releasing a blingy Range Rover Sport through his Tiret jewelry company which comes with "real diamond accents," 22-inch LSE alloy wheels, and a panoramic sunroof. No word on what inspired the collaboration, although given Damon's own Chevy Tahoe was recently seized by his bank after he failed to keep up with his car payments, we can only hope the deal involved him getting a new ride. [JustLuxe via Luxist]

Want to visit the Plaza, but don't want to waste your money on an apartment, hotel room, or not-so-special meal at the Oak Room? You're in luck! The Plaza is offering a "free architecture tour" to people who sign up at 212-588-8012. [HotelChatter]

Violent drunks and junkies take heart: If Naomi Campbell can turn her life around, anyone can! The scary supermodel has been telling Giant magazine that she's finally been cured of her addiction to cocaine and alcohol by a therapy she calls The Program, which involves body cleanses and a Buddhisty-sounding philosophy that "teaches you to let go." Let go of what, one wonders? Certainly not bad behavior, since Naomi's image as an impossible diva prone to seismic tantrums is, she reveals, nothing but a silly myth, first perpetuated by her spurned former model agency boss John Casablancas. "He had to attack me because I decided to leave. Models can leave agencies. I was not under a written contract. I was shocked to see how he acted." Isn't it awful how one vindictive rumor can dog an innocent person for their entire career?

• Yet another Real Housewife is making moves in the Hamptons. Days after it was reported that Kelly Killoren Bensimon and Luann de Lesseps were both looking to sell their places in the Hamptons comes word that Ramona Singer and her husband Mario are looking to rent their 7,000-square-foot Southampton home. The six-bedroom house with pool table and 70-inch flat-screen—not to mention the sunken tennis court outside, which is perfect for reality TV face-offs—will run you $295,000 for the season. [Cityfile, Corcoran]

Marc Jacobs has several reasons to celebrate today. In addition to his recent engagement, he'll also be blowing out 46 candles on his birthday cake today. Others marking the big day: NBC chief Jeff Zucker is 44. Hugh Hefner turns 83. Cynthia Nixon is 43. Leighton Meester is turning 23. Albert Hammond Jr. is turning 29. Joe Scarborough is 46. Porn queen Jenna Jameson is 35. Dennis Quaid turns 55. Fashion designer Martin Margiela is 52. Restaurateur Taavo Somer turns 36. Twilight actress Kristen Stewart is 19. Jesse McCartney turns 22. America's Next Top Model winner Yoanna House is 29. And former model-turned-ANTM judge Paulina Porizkova is 44.

• Is Billy Joel planning to split up with Katie Lee? That's what the Enquirer is claiming this week, suggesting that Katie's "cozy relationship" with "hunky designer" Yigal Azrouel has caused Billy to consider dumping her. But not until his tour ends in November, which doesn't make much sense. [National Enquirer]
• A New Jersey man says Bruce Springsteen caused the breakup of his marriage. In divorce papers, he alleges Bruce and his estranged wife have been having an affair since the two met up at a local gym more than a year ago. [Star]
• Michael Phelps "skeeved out onlookers" at Marquee on Tuesday by drinking straight from a bottle of vodka and "dancing like a loon," all while making out with his cocktail waitress girlfriend. [NYDN]
• Breaking! Brad Pitt took sons Maddox and Pax to a Dunkin Donuts in Oyster Bay yesterday morning just like a "regular guy." [Star]

• Wall Street opened higher this morning after Wells Fargo predicted it would report a record $3 billion profit for the first quarter of 2009. [CNN, AP]
• You may soon be able to bail out America, too: The Obama administration is currently looking at ways to "give ordinary Americans a chance to profit from the bailouts that are being financed by their tax dollars." [NYT]
• Meredith Whitney has become as close to a household name as a banking industry analyst can get. But is she overhyped? [WSJ]

Bloomberg Spends $3 Million on TV Ads in Mayoral Race [NYT]
Related: Mayor Mike's New Spanish Language Phrasebook [Cityfile]

• Were you looking forward to that Kate Moss cookbook that was rumored to be in the works? It ain't happening, according to her rep. [SW]
• Topshop is scouting for a second location (possibly near 34th Street), and Nordstrom is looking to crack the Manhattan market. [NYM]
• Simon Doonan on Michelle Obama's edgy fashion choices last week: "What's next? Lady Gaga zippers on the eyes?" [NYO]
• The owner of Christian Lacroix is in talks to sell a stake in the company. [WSJ]
• Designer Samantha Pleet has a fashion-centric reality show in the works. And Bee Shaffer was approached to do a show, too. [Pipeline]
• Spa Week runs from April 13 to 19, if you're interested. [Metromix]

Bernie Madoff's tickets for the Mets season opener at Citi Field next week are now on sale on eBay. Just a few rows from the field! Access to the Delta Club and free parking included! Low reserve! Cash, money order or certified bank check, please. [Ebay]

• The Four Seasons may be having its moment as it celebrates its 50th, but things aren't so cheery across the street. John McDonald and Josh Picard's Lever House closes on Friday, supposedly for "renovations." [TFB]
• Jim Lahey's Co. gets a one-star from Frank Bruni in today's Times. [NYT]
• The Post's Steve Cuozzo isn't blown away by Per Se's à la carte menu. [NYP]
• Restaurants & Institutions list of the 100 top-grossing restaurants is online. Tavern on the Green, Smith & Wollensky, Tao, Buddakan, and Sparks Steak House round out New York City's top five. [R&I]
• A roundup of what's opened this week, and what's coming soon. [NYT]

Television commercials for Dr. Zizmor, the dermatologist who made blanketing the subway with his rainbow-colored ads his calling card? Could it be? Sadly, no. It seems some people are creating unauthorized Zizmor commercials, perhaps in the hope that in so doing the great doctor will follow. We salute you, Layer Cake Productions. Dr. Z would be crazy not to call you the moment he makes plans to branch out. [YouTube via Art Fag City]

Plastic surgeons have been reporting a big drop in business in recent months, which isn't at all surprising. If you can't pay your Visa bill and you're behind on your rent, the last thing you're going to invest in is a new face, right? Naturally, this is not good news for plastic surgeons: If they can't find people willing to invest in new faces, how are they supposed to cover their mortgages? Well, it looks like they've come up with the perfect tactic to reverse the decline.

• To celebrate 1,000 episodes (and 35,892 sound effects), CNBC's resident buffoon, Jim Cramer, rang the opening bell of the NYSE today. [CNBC]
• Sales of romance novels are on the rise, since in times like these, we all just want to indulge in happy endings. Or something along those lines. [NYT]
• Why is the New York Times Co. frantically looking to cut costs at the Boston Globe? For one thing, it's on track to lose $85 million in 2009. [NYO, Portfolio]
• It's hard getting people to pay for newspaper content they now get for free. Let Coke guide you, Arthur Sulzberger Jr.: "Coca-Cola took tap water, filtered it and called it Dasani, and makes millions of dollars a year." [NYT]
• Magazines are blurring the line between editorial and advertising by putting ads on the cover. If they don't, they go bust. Rock, meet hard place. [NYT]

The MTA has revealed the service cuts that will take place this summer unless someone does something about the agency's $1.2 billion budget gap. Oh, and the new fare of $2.50 takes effect May 31, just in case you want to start saving your quarters now. [NYDN]

The economic disaster has wrought havoc in our lives, yet has been a force for good in many ways too: It's helped usher in a new political era, pulled the rug out from under a whole generation of self-entitled masters-of-the-universe, and now we hear it may rescue us from Roberto Cavalli's fashions! The permatanned designer has been in talks to sell his company, which had him waxing philosophically in a recent interview with Grazia: "I love poor people! I am glad of the recession. Something needed to break. Too many people making too much money. It's good because it makes you think, 'Maybe now I do something different. Is it enough to make happiness through clothes? Is there something more?' I don't know." What cultural contribution could possibly replace slashed-to-the-navel leopard-print satin dresses? The world awaits with baited breath.