Because we couldn't live with ourselves if we sent you off for the weekend without knowing whether or not Britney Spears is actually going to travel to Namibia for the birth of her next child, we pass along this Official Publicist Denial from the AP's follow-up to their earlier story:

In what is either a sign that the Namibian Minister of Tourism learned valuable lessons about manipulating the media during Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's stay in his country or a clear indication that the world has gone completely, feces-smearingly insane, the AP reports that a government official claims that Britney Spears is "considering" having her next baby in the red-hot African nation:

The interview concluded with a tearful, gum-smacking appeal to the media for her privacy, and a kiss-off to Madonna and Kabbalah ("She's a very smart lady.") It wasn't all dispiriting, however, as at one point Spears revealed her enthusiasm for interior redecorating— which she terms "redoin'!"—and an obsessive compulsive passion for cleaning, divulging to Lauer, "Yes, I have a maid that comes once a week, but she slacks a little bit." The lazy employee is kept on staff, however, as she speaks no English, making her a handy scapegoat for the star's various troubles. When questioned by concerned authorities about her latest baby bobbling mishap, Spears always has the option of turning to the cleaning woman and saying, "But you were the one who tipped the high chair over when you were waxin' the floors. Didn'tcha, Consuela?" to which the unilingual domestic will inevitably nod enthusiastically.

Well. That was interesting.

• Brandon Davis checks into Malibu's Passages rehab center, not to be confused with Malibu's Promises rehab center. For $75,000 a month, they'll help Davis treat his addiction to firecrotches and Paris Hilton's coke spoon. [InTouch]
• Unfortunately for Page Six, their top story is that Davis had refused to go. Those damn newspaper deadlines. [Page Six]
• For the first time, Tom Cruise has had a project taken away from him and given to a less crazy movie star by the name of George Clooney. We're still conflicted about Clooney, but he's better than Cap'n Crazyfuck. [Fox411]
• Vince Vaughn's mother invests $25 million into a fraudulent hedge fund. Vince Vaughn invests $25 million into keeping her away from the family bank account. [R&M]
• Kevin Federline has a job — and, unlike the hip-hop gig, this one pays actual money. He's modeling for Blue Marlin clothing, and Britney's so proud that he can sit still for the cameras like a big boy. [Page Six]
• Michael Eisner has no idea where he is, what he's done, or who he's talking to. [Lowdown]
• PETA goes after Beyonce Knowles, interrupting her overpriced omakase at Nobu to interrogate her about the use of fur in her clothing line. TMZ has the video, but it just shows Solange Knowles looking bored out of her mind. [TMZ]

The Today show gave an excellent, five-minute teaser of Matt Lauer's Dateline interview with Britney Spears, making us really amped up for tonight's full-length version. We could really use a good cry, and all the better to share it with Brit. But the real star is Lauer, who keeps a straight face throughout the entire affair, even when Spears tries to explain why it was OK to drive with her baby on her lap ("ma bayby," she calls him). A stronger person than we are, Lauer treats Spears with respect, and the man should get a medal for his efforts — though that medal should then be promptly taken away for his attempt to pull off loafers without socks.

It's a situation that all parents can relate to: You're picking up some lacy underthings at the local mall's Victoria's Secret, cradling a squirming baby with a fully loaded diaper in your arms, and resisting the look in the infant's eyes that seems to say Just drop me. It's OK. No one is watching this time, and that carpet looks really soft. If you're America's Most Scrutinized Mom, however, you fight off the instinct to let go of the child and finish your transaction, and instead opt to show the world what a good parent you are by attending to the baby's needs immediately and publicly. Says Us Weekly:

• Yesterday, we watched Britney cry to Matt Lauer that celebrities "are people, too!" Today, we learn that she changed her baby's diaper on the FLOOR next to a cash register at Victoria's Secret. This pretty much clears up any confusion about whether or not Britney's a person — she's not even a primate. Where the hell is the manny when this stuff happens? [Us Weekly]
• The battle of Paris and Lindsay continues: Hilton tries to pick a fight with Lohan, Lohan takes the high road and walks away, Hilton responds by performing a striptease for Eli Manning. [Page Six]
• An Us Weekly reporter gets pepper-sprayed by security when trying to get pics of Oliver Hudson's weekend wedding. Seems like quite a length to go for Goldie Hawn's other kid. [R&M (last item)]
• Keith Olbermann says Rita Cosby is "dumber than a suitcase full of rocks." Suspiciously masculine rocks, that is. [Lowdown]
• Liza Minelli's estranged, plasticine husband David Gest is accused of sexually harrassing his personal assistant, grabbing his jingly bits and punctuating orders with dirty talk. If true, Gest deserves every beating Liza ever gave him. [Page Six]
• Nick Lachey hooks up with MTV's Vanessa Minnillo, ensuring that Jessica Simpson will never again grace the set of TRL. [Scoop]
• For Michael Jackson, the proceeds from his Katrina charity single will go to straight to his pocket. After all, someone's gotta pay for his new earlobe. [Fox411]

For no reason other than to make you cackle with evil laughter, do enjoy this NBC promo for Thursday's Britney Spears sit-down with Matt Lauer. It's an intense look at Britney Spears: "defiant, determined, and emotional." Indeed — she's blubbering like we've never seen her blubber before. And her misuse of air quotes is positively heartbreaking. We've watched it four times already.

Pity poor Mel Gibson, who invested millions of dollars for the safety and privacy afforded by a mansion in a gated section of one of Southern California's most exclusive neighborhoods, only to have white trash move in next door and destroy his property values:

• Heather Mills McCartney did not take part in pricey orgies with Arabs because she was a call girl. She did it for free, and for the love. [R&M]
• Madonna ends her friendship with Britney Spears because of Spears' flight from Kabbalah. Also because she's incompetent white trash. And that scrunchie ain't helping, either. [Scoop]
• In regards to said scrunchie, Spears tells Matt Lauer she's a "wreck." Oh, we know, honey. [IMDb]
• Jack Black and wife Tanya Haden present the world with newborn baby boy — but because of that Shiloh bitch, nobody's going to make a dime. [Us Weekly]
• Oprah Winfrey makes an appearance at producer LA Reid's 50th birthday party, but when Harpo goes out, she goes large, partying at Nobu 57 until 2:30 in the morning. And you just know she was surrounded by hos, bling, and Cristal. [Page Six]
• Costume designer Patricia "Don't call me Betsey" Field quits The Girls Guide to Hunting and Fishing, reportedly because of Alec Baldwin's behavior and intolerable hirsuteness. [Lowdown]

Operation K-Fed Redemption begins: On the same day TMZ posts paparazzi photos of Kevin Federline interacting with wife/meal ticket Britney Spears while actually holding his own son in his arms (and no hunky babyguards in sight), the AP is reporting that Spears has given the Today Show's Matt Lauer an exclusive interview, airing Thursday, in which she insists that her husband has been nothing less than her cornrowed, background dancing rock in her time of need:

• Britney's manny — revealed! The ginger gentleman is 28-year-old Naval Academy grad Perry Taylor, who's really just one of Britney's bodyguards. Nowadays, that obviously means guarding her baby's body, too. [TMZ]
• As for her hubby, the inimitable K-Fed, he'd really appreciate it if you'd all respect one another on MySpace. [Lowdown (last item)]
• LA has designated some parking spaces for the mentally handicapped, allowing Paris Hilton to park just that much closer to her emergency crotch doctors. [Page Six]
• Brangelina deny any plans to get married, preferring that Shiloh remain a beautiful bastard. [IMDb]
• Larry Flynt is sued for sexual harrassment by a former employee. If you're working for that man, you really should know that "loud, obnoxious, and repeated noises of sexual gratification" just mean that the company's doing well — and who doesn't want a holiday bonus. [R&M]
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' prenup will give her $3 million for every year they remain married, up to $33 million. Which is almost enough money to buy back her blackened, captive soul. [Scoop]

While most celebrity media outlets were happy to concoct (and we to obligingly regurgitate) everything they needed to know about Britney Spears' new, mysterious male companion by merely staring at paparazzi photographs of the two and letting the romantic narrative in their heads take over ("He's pushing a stroller—he's her nanny! And he's cute! He's her Hunky Poppins man-lover!"), the tireless investigators at TMZ.com have actually done some legwork on the matter by locating and contacting the boy's mother, who was happy to clear up any fanciful misconceptions about her son:

After Britney Spears ditched her last nanny, she opted not to go the traditional, stern-and-matronly routes in choosing her replacement. Instead, she hired a hefty slab of strawberry-blonde mancake, identified as either Perry or Henry. Good with kids, handsome and sturdy, free of cornrows, and, to our knowledge, not currently pursuing a hip-hop career, Perry/Henry seemed every bit the man Britney should have been with all along. Which, according to the highly reliable source of an anonymous "insider," hasn't gone unnoticed by displaced Britney man-unit, Kevin Federline:

• Battle of the randoms: Stephen Dorff and Jeremy Piven get in sissy-slapping contest at Bungalow 8, mostly because Dorff cut in front of Piven in the bathroom line. Dorff's defense: "At least I am a movie star - you're only on TV! Cable TV!" True, but at least he's not Stephen Dorff. [Page Six]
• Meanwhile, Karolina Kurkova tolerates Piven's awkward flirting. [R&M]
• K-Fed gets jealous about Britney's manny taking over the domestic duties, but not jealous enough to put down the pipe for two seconds and change a diaper. [Scoop]
• Billy Bragg thinks Rupert Murdoch is trying to steal your MySpace content. Hungover hipsters suddenly rethink posting crappy music from unsigned bands. [Lowdown]
• Poor Philly endures the return of a 9-foot-tall statue of Sylvester Stallone. [Fox411]
• Newly sober Full House legend Jodie Sweetin has signed with Fuse to host their upcoming competition, Pants-Off Dance-Off. She'd probably want to keep the meth around for that one. [Page Six]

• And the award goes to... People magazine, who won the Getty Images' first pictures of baby Shiloh for a mere $4.1 million. Props to Getty for making them scramble and outbid each other until 6 in the morning. [Page Six]
• While you organize a hunger strike until People publishes the pics, do enjoy the questionable image at right. At any rate, the baby's lips look real. [Dlisted]
• Former ReganBooks slave Bridie Clark pulls a Weisberger and skewers Judith Regan in her forthcoming roman a clef, Because She Can. If the movie looks half as good as Devil Wears Prada, we approve. [Lowdown]
• Crazy Barbara Davis defends her greasy grandson Brandon's comments about Lindsay Lohan's firecrotch, telling people that Lindsay and Brandon are dating now. Not true, says Lohan's rep, but delusional old ladies sure are cute. [Page Six]
• Delusional teen talents are cute, too: Lindsay Lohan drops out her latest project, Bill, because the directors aren't as awesome as Brett Ratner. [IMDb]
• Nicole Kidman schedules her June 25 wedding to Keith Urban for the evening hours, so as to thwart the paparazzi. If she'd just give in and let Getty take some pictures, Nicole could use the money to feed all of Angelina's Namibian leftovers. [Scoop]
• Born-again Christian Stephen Baldwin is irrelevant because the Lord wants it that way. [R&M]
• Elapsed time since Britney and K-Fed were last photographed together: 97 days and counting. [Us Weekly]

· The current bid of $23.26 for a Last Comic Standing selection envelope seems like a small price to pay for your own little slice of reality show rejection.
· There was already too much Superman-related goodness today to get to this new billboard, but "Stay Away from the Peninsula!" pretty much says it all.
· Oprah will not rest until she has a hand in every American's happiness. She must be stopped.
· Kirstie Alley has looked better. And she might keep the weight off if she didn't carry that SuperSoaker full of melted butter everywhere.
· Come to think of it, it does seem like a long time since anyone's seen Britney and K-Fed in the same place, doesn't it? If they're not careful, someone's going to start spreading rumors that their marriage isn't as it could be.

• The ever-reliable News of the World reports that Britney Spears has signed "preliminary divorce papers." If she and K-Fed get divorced, perhaps it will pave the way for her true soul mate: the Manny. [NotW]
• Brad Pitt's parents have arrived in Africa to get a glimpse of Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt and, if we're lucky, sell any pictures they take to the highest bidder. [IMDb]
• Tommy Hilfiger gives his first on-record comment about his brawl with Axl Rose; the wee designer claims he was merely protecting himself from the inevitable sting of Axl's swinging cornrows. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Professional beard Penelope Cruz and Matthew McConaughey end their incomprehensible relationship. Remarkably, the world continues to turn. [People]
• The Phoenix Suns' resident Breck girl Steve Nash denies that he's having an affair with Nelly Furtado. [Page Six]
• Paris Hilton gets just stoned enough to navigate her way through the paparazzi and into da club. [TMZ]
• Tina Brown and Harry Evans continue to vigilantly defend their 6-inch garden wall from evil developers, who threaten to forever destroy their spring party-planning. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Dan Rather once said his 60 Minutes colleague Morley Safer should be "shot dead" over a crackling hickory fire that's hotter than the devil's anvil. [Page Six]

• Supermodel Naomi Campbell puts her 6-bedroom Park Avenue condo on the block for $5.25 million. Blood-stained BlackBerry and frightened housekeepers not included. As to where she's moving to — isn't Dubai more relaxed about beating your underlings? [Page Six]
• Jay-Z does his best George Clooney imitation and considers building a 40/40 Casino in Las Vegas. [R&M]
• Brett Ratner's X-Men: The Last Stand breaks Memorial Day box office records, and he manages to feign humility. [Lowdown]
• An invitation from Britney Spears and Kevin Federline's wedding is now on eBay for $999.99 — because irony is expensive. [TMZ]
• Despite the general public having 24 hours to do something about the travesty, Anna Nicole Smith remains pregnant. [People]