No blog, talking head or alcoholic British songbird can compete with PETA when it comes to snark. For decades, the animal lovers have verbally beheaded countless starlets for their fur and snakeskin accessories, but only recently have their targets bitten back. After seeing a recent photo of plumper-than-usual Jessica Simpson sporting one of those so-last-season message t-shirts reading "Real Girls Eat Meat," we wondered how many of her peers have boldly set themselves up for one of PETA's trademark white powder massacres. Having called Nicole Richie "an incredible shrinking woman with the heart to match," advising Ashley Olsen that "wearing fur does add 20 pounds, but if [she] wants to fill out her frame, we suggest using a fork instead," and telling Lindsay Lohan "there's no road to recovery for the foxes who are anally electrocuted so that you can look skanky," has PETA inspired any other starlets to publicly react just as vehemently? We take a look at the ongoing battles after the jump.

In a touching coda to Father's Day, Britney Spears' father, Jamie, has petitioned the court to pay him for taking care of her. A real-life example of Chapter 5 of the Spears family parenting book, Their Personal Tragedy, Your Meal Ticket, Daddy Spears explained to the court exactly why he's owed $2500 a week for living with his daughter. The proud Papa was already awarded the weekly salary — plus money to lease a car — back in March. But that still left a month of pro bono parenting.

When ancient and respected old magazine The Atlantic put Britney Spears on their cover for an utterly so-so story on the celebrity-industrial complex or whatever (it was OK but Rolling Stone's piece was better), everyone (i.e. us) mocked them for selling out and claimed it was a cynical ploy at boosting newsstand sales or something. Well. Mea culpa! Because if it was a cynical ploy at boosting newsstand sales, it failed miserably. "The magazine sold approximately 24,000 copies at the newsstand, some 21,000 less than March and nearly 30,000 less than its January/February issue." According to Atlantic Media president Justin Smith (the man who destroyed The Atlantic), they meant to do that.

• Amy Winehouse fainted at home yesterday and spent the night undergoing testing at a London hospital. So far the tests have proved inconclusive and doctors are stumped as to what exactly happened, which clearly means they're not reading the tabloids. [Reuters]

• Observers note that Arianna Huffington waited several days to personally blog anything about the death of Tim Russert of Meet The Press, who she often criticized. Then when she did say something, she didn't really praise the man. Not even faint praise! Dammit, Arianna, the public DEMANDS DISINGENUOUS EULOGIES! [R&M]

Britney Spears is at all times, in public at least, surrounded by a gang of ex-con illegal-immigrant paparazzi with no regard for traffic laws, so it's probably no surprise that the Los Angeles district attorney's office now says one of the paps intentionally got himself run over, presumably so he could sue the singer. The unidentified photographer asked county prosecutors to investigate an incident in which, he claims, Spears ran over his foot with her SUV. He wanted her brought up on charges. The DA looked into it — Spears had a parking lot hit-and-run incident once — and found that, actually, if the collision happened at all, it was the photographer's fault:

Bringing to mind that little-known time when a snoring Anna Nicole Smith was briskly escorted from the Cannes premiere of Wong Kar-wai's 2046, chatter coming out of the desert has folks wondering what Britney Spears might be up to at the ongoing CineVegas Film Festival. This isn't quite like Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan hitting Park City to ostensibly promote their own films, after all; with four years remaining before Crossroads: The 10th Anniversary Cut makes the A-list fest rounds, Britney's attendance may have been purely incidental to the cinephile bedlam around it. Nevertheless, at least one observer (a fest juror, no less!) wasn't letting the celebritunity pass her by:

By some rare stroke of British luck, original waif Kate Moss was born with a very superheroine-esque capability: no matter what she does, from the beautiful to the grotesque to the illegal, the act will somehow wind up looking chic. Remember, this is the girl who bent over a dirty mirror to snort crusty Peruvian paint thinner in hellaciously grungy Pete Doherty’s drug den on a grainy, shaky camera and managed to make the whole thing appear "alluring" (Slate), and “glamorous” (CNN.com). Today’s case in point? Leaving the afterparty for her new fragrance launch in Berlin the other night, the supermodel’s outwardly voluminous blonde glossy hair began to fall out. Right on the red carpet. For all to see. Pictures, and why the mishap will soon be the “thing to do” on every red carpet in the future, after the jump.

Time to mark your calendars: Lynne Spears, mother of Britney and Jamie Lynn, has an official September release date for her memoir about raising two of the world’s most tabloid-friendly children, Through The Storm: A Real Story About Family And Fame In A Tabloid World. In the book, Spears will supposedly take the Dina Lohan route and disguise motherly resentment as motherly love and “express her love for her children and tell their stories through a mother's eyes,” according to the publisher, who specializes in “inspirational books and Bibles.” But how rosy and cozy can the tome’s description of family life be with a title referring to said life as a “storm”? And given the nature of celebrity family members' tell-alls in the past, coupled with the assurance that this will not be “a parenting book,” we certainly hope Lynne follows in the footsteps of Nancy Aniston and Virgie Arthur by revealing a bit more dirt than the rote "Britney And Jamie Lynn Were Perfect Angels" tales (given the fact that they’re, um, not these days). We took a closer look at five of the most trash-talking tell-alls from stars’ estranged and/or envious relatives to whet our appetite in the meantime:

Two former members of the infamous Bimbo Summit were not late for very important dates this week. But one alum probably should’ve been. Worker bee Britney Spears was spotted having a one-on-one dinner last night at Havana Room, while pansexual couple of the moment Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson pretended to eat dinner with an unexpected new BFF at Il Sole on Monday. And while Britney’s knight in Hebrew-hating armor has proven himself to be quite the positive influence of late, we’re not so confident that Sam and Lindsay’s third wheel will strengthen Lohan’s so-far-successful ascent towards paycheck-earning, substance-free livelihood. The angel on Britney’s shoulder and devil on Lindsay’s revealed after the jump.

• Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon may have skipped the big wedding, but that doesn't mean they want to skip all the big presents. The duo has apparently registered at Bergdorf's, where they're encouraging friends to buy them fine china and expensive stemwear. [Page Six]

Poor, deep-fried, wistful tiny car driver (and, I suppose, musician) Britney Spears has chosen her burial plot. It's located in the bittersweetly named Hollywood Forever Cemetery. After hearing about Marilyn Monroe picking her own grave site, the singer wanted to follow suit and "when Britney saw Rudolph Valentino's grave at the cemetery she shrieked and said she wanted one." Though, she doesn't plan on going there anytime soon. "I'm going to live so I want to be brought to the Forever Cemetery when I'm 101," she said, with devastating optimism, to a pal. We like to imagine that the service, before she is entombed in Hollywood Forever, will consist of mournful piano renditions of her hit songs like "I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman" and "Lucky," while her two sons, wearing sailor costumes, slowly waltz.

The Silk Building penthouse that Britney Spears once occupied is back on the market. Thanks to a new paint job and some kitchen renovations, it's now on the market for $6.595 million (or more than $2 million more that Spears sold it for). The best feature of the apartment? The long list of famous people who have lived there. In addition to a pre-Federline Brit, the pad has also been home to Russell Simmons and Keith Richards, which means there's about a 50 percent chance you'll go crazy or abuse drugs if you move in. More photos after the jump.

Despite having apparently cleaned up her boozy gurney act, finding a new boyfriend who doesn't wear wifebeaters and even spending quality mini-SUV-riding time with Sean Preston and The Other One, Britney Spears has still been getting flack from the press. Why? Namely because she's been seen looking slightly less svelte than usual while covering her belly (which, of course, leads to unwed-mom pregnancy stories). But comeback number infinity is still chugging away! Last week, we reported on her planned string of "flashy" shows in Vegas, and now we learn that Spears has reportedly undergone a rapid weight loss using none other than the Victoria Beckham starvation method. Details on what Spears has been replacing her Cheetos with, how she's comparing to Posh these days and the exact dimensions of her new dress size (you know you want to know) after the jump.

We know it's been around the internet a couple times since yesterday, but we just find something so lovely and sad and telling about this photograph of a be-tube-topped Britney Spears, alone in a sea of asphalt, riding atop a tiny Escalade. Our Daytime Editor Alex Pareene says, "Here is your 21st century, America!" Here it is indeed. Puttering slowly in circles, bottled water clutched in hand, the hot sun beating down. Some days it feels as though we will do nothing else but form those lazy circles for the rest of time, until the day we all sigh, nod our heads, and disappear.

[Photo Credit: X17]

• Bill Murray's wife wants a divorce and claims the actor is a pot-smoking globe-trotting sex addict who is physically abusive. The Daily News recalls: "At a bash at Robert De Niro's Tribeca Grill in the '90s, we watched as Murray punch-shoved photographer Diane Cohen in the chest."

Meet Andy Fiscella. Andy owns the Lohan- and Dunst-infested Crown Bar, as well as the Dime and Winston’s. Andy’s likes include: brown corduroys, Brett Ratner, and knocking on wood for good luck. Andy’s dislikes include: Britney Spears, grade-school bullies, and anyone who would dare compare him to Troy Duffy. Which, of course, means he also dislikes us. You see, like Duffy, the rags-to-riches-to-rags former bartender who penned Boondock Saints only to wind up screwed over by Darth Weinstein, has an eerily similar trajectory as Andy — though Fiscella’s inevitable downfall still lies on the horizon. In a Metromix profile on the poor man’s Brent Bolthouse, we’re given the chance to dive inside of a “hot spot” club owner's mind grapes. And predictably, they’re rotten, sour, and likely to cause you to vomit.

At some point in all our lives, we must ask ourselves: to tattoo or not to tattoo? We have yet to take the plunge, but when and if we do, we most certainly will not be inking our bodies with Pee Wee Herman, Bald Britney or (gasp!) Patrick Swayze as a centaur. But as a photo gallery over at EW proves, there are more than enough insane fans out there who are so in love with their favorite stars that they've etched a permanent image of their visage on their bodies. One might think a popular celebrity tat would be, say, Pamela Anderson or Scarlett Johansson, or maybe even Brangelina. But, sadly, it seems the sort of fan who goes through the pain of imprinting rainbow-colored images of their idols are mainly of the Jack Jordan stalker variety. The bad, the ugly, and the downright nightmarish tattoos in question, after the jump.

There’s nothing better than returning from a long weekend to discover not one but two incredibly positive stories about Britney Spears. Not only has the singer finally managed to make a public appearance looking downright hot, but she’s also begun dating a very eligible, scandal-free bachelor — William Morris agent Jason Trawick. As you may recall, Trawick was the mystery man splashing around Mel Gibson’s Costa Rica retreat with Britney last week, and reportedly has been looking after Britney ever since the beginning of her American Tragedy downfall. As a source tells OK!, “Britney totally trusts him and she has very deep feelings for him. It’s now got to the point where Britney wants to be with him full time.” And after seeing these pictures of the pair, who went public at an Ed Hardy party over the weekend, we can’t help but notice a very sober-looking Britney appearing genuinely happy for the first time in...ever: