Everybody loves vintage ads, because they're all old and weird-looking with funny language and whatnot. The drawback is, you can never buy the products in them. Well now that problem has been solved! Spooftastic Photoshop wizardry website Worth1000 sponsored a contest for fake vintage ads of current products. In a servicey move, we've culled the entire list down to the five best: Girls Gone Wild, Jagermeister, cell phones, Viagra, and laser hair removal—in the old school style—after the jump.

The YAI, a charity that helps out people with disabilities, has a big "Brighter Futures Society" charity event coming up in NYC, and they really need to attract the bright-eyed youth that can make a positive impact on the future. So did they appeal to altruism? Political beliefs? Kindness of heart? No, they decided to use a much more realistic message in their promotional ads: Come to our event and get laid. After the jump, one ad for boys, and one for girls, testifying how much ass you can pull by attending this worthy charity function. UPDATE: Apparently YAI didn't appreciate our headline and has pulled the ads off YouTube. BUT we grabbed the female ad before it went down, and it is still below. It's good! Lighten up, YAI!

NBC has a new show coming up this season called "Kings," which will be a joint-promotional deal with suicide-exploiting insurance company Liberty Mutual. They're the ones who promoted their shitty branding website by buying up Google Adwords like "Paul Tilley," the name of the ad exec who committed suicide in February. Classy! The show will be "a modern-day retelling of the David and Goliath story. The themes of the show are meant to be consistent with Liberty Mutual's "Responsibility Project," which promotes personal responsibility." Boycott this show responsibly, please. [NYT]

As Nas famously proclaimed, hip hop is dead. And last night, we found the murder weapon. Behold the Ford commercial from Wednesday's American Idol. It features your final nine American Idol hopefuls rapping. Not singing, mind you, but rapping.

If you've been following the real news, you'll recall that Max Mosley is the British Formula 1 racing president who is currently involved in a slight tiff over a video of him having an hours-long Nazi-themed orgy with five hookers. A bit embarrassing for him personally, yes. It's also caused some grumbling among the Formula 1 teams. And now, this sex scandal is reaching its absurd logical conclusion, as its ripples extend into the highest reaches of the world's corporations: BMW and Mercedes-Benz have jointly condemned Mosley's sexual taste as "disgraceful." [BBC]. Because they are the arbiters of morality in sexuality! They're also a bit sensitive about the whole Nazi angle, because, you know, they're from Germany themselves.

LOL! OMG! GIMME UR $$$! Did u kno that big companies are using txt msg lingo as a way to connect to young, hip consumers such as yourself? They totally r! The technique has the double whammy of not only being incredibly annoying in commercials, but also being incredibly annoying to read about in news stories. Particularly in a stodgy old rag like the Wall Street Journal, which is forced by custom and habit to spend a huge portion of the piece explaining to its audience what all these abbreviations mean. It's the same reason that it's annoying to read NYT stories about hip hop, or Washington Post stories about the latest trends in teen fucking. Just let the youth take care of it amongst themselves! NE wayz, these txt lingo ads are a mixed bag, since the necessity of translation cuts down on the desired cool factor. Prime example: this Cingular ad, depicting a situation that would cause a reasonable person to lock their child in the closet:

New York might be called the Big Apple, and apples themselves might be beautiful creations of nature, but as far as Apple Inc. CEO Steve Jobs is concerned, Gotham has no business affixing depictions of the fruit to anything conceivably related to its products. Like, uh, organic cotton shopping bags, which carry the logo and are produced by the city's GreenNYC campaign in conjunction with grocer Whole Foods. Someone might buy one of those bags and expect it to be functionally equivalent to a MacBook Pro! Ditto for the bus shelters and hybrid taxis that carry the symbol - they look just like Apple products. So Apple and the city are slugging it out in trademark filings, Wired News reports today. Dig through Apple's filing and you'll find the company is specifically upset about the little angular leaf at the top of GreenNYC's logo. But also, Apple has convinced itself that its own mark is somehow synonymous with the entire city of New York, and it looks like maybe the Times is to blame for this delusion:

Here is a full page ad in today's issue of The Onion (click to enlarge) that is so stupid I had to photograph it with my cell phone camera in a spontaneous feat of journalism. "LIVE HERE OR DIE," it says. This is an ad for Williamsburg Edge, the execrable new high rise yuppie condo in the Burg that previously declared itself to be "Gritty." So, can we all agree on "Die?" We'll take "Die," thanks.

That ABC show "American Inventor" has, stunningly, produced a real, breakthrough product: the backless bra. No longer will women be forced to suffer the tyranny of an encircling bra strap! Maidenform is now selling the product, which originated as a finalist entry on the show, for $25. And soon, the company will be launching a big ad campaign for the bra, which includes a promise from the (male) ad executives to model it upon request [Adrants]. Something for kinks of every stripe! After countless generations of embarrassing fumbling by men and chafing upon women's backs, this campaign would have to be terrible for the product not to be a wild success. Below, a clip of the heroic inventor, Elaine Cato, demonstrating her humanitarian idea on the show last year.

Ha ha, what's the only thing more entertaining than watching regular dogs? Watching dogs who are kinda old and tend to fall down! Ohhhh, he can't quite get in that darned trunk! It's okay though—these dogs are going to be GETTING BETTER, thanks to Dr. Frank's Safe & Natural Joint Pain Relief For Pets, offered in this infomercial. There's plenty of testimonials, but the best part, honestly, is the falling dogs. And the pug so old that it has to ride in a basket. Click to the video to watch them stumble.

Houston: what's the point? The Texas city is most famous for the Bush family, big hair, and sippin on the sizzurp. At least that's the stereotype, and as a non-Houstonite, I don't care enough about the city to put in the effort to dispel that stereotype. But the city has anticipated this; they're rolling out an ad campaign designed to boost the city's reputation [NYT]. It's called "My Houston," and it features celebrities talking about what they like about the city. Unoriginal idea, Houston! Really now, are tourists going to flock to a hot, sprawling, asphalt-covered outpost in Texas just because racer A.J. Foyt fondly reminisces about speeding around its traffic-choked outer loop roads? In any major city, no matter how forlorn it is, you can find a handful of prominent citizens who will talk it up. They're called the rich. They'd get along pretty well anywhere—even Houston. Besides, why did the city go and spend a bunch of money on a new ad campaign when they could have just gone to YouTube and pulled off this perfectly adequate "Great Day Houston" rapping promo for free?

This ad for Pringles Hot & Spicy (click to enlarge) features a classic, un-retouched photo of a young Lou Dobbs strapped to a balloon. [via Copyranter]

Remember that IO Digital Cable/ Optimum Online reggaeton ad on the beach that is the most ubiquitous thing on television in the tristate area? Ha, you don't just remember it, you secretly love it! Or perhaps it makes you want to murder people. Either way, when I saw this old Spanish remix of the ad running on Telemundo last weekend, I knew I had to find it and bring it to you, the viewer. This is not just the same as the ad on the beach, but with Spanish lyrics; this is a totally different ad, done in a Hype Williams-style shiny black and white palette, with dancing girls, an even more banging beat, and that reggaeton guy dressed up like Busta Rhymes, riding in a tiny car! It's truly a must-see. If you don't see much Spanish TV, you'll want to bookmark this one to watch over and over and over and over. Full video after the jump.

A counterpoint for all you Apple-haters out there: a new study by researchers at Duke University found that "even the briefest exposure to the Apple logo may make you behave more creatively." How did they measure that? By having the subjects list "all of the uses for a brick that they could imagine beyond building a wall." That's science for you! If only gazing at the Apple logo could help me think of a good joke for this post. The actual scientific findings:

"Fun. Flirty. Fresh. In FiDi." Fun is okay. Flirty? That makes me re-evaluate the "Fun" part. Fresh? In FiDi? By the end of the slogan on this condo ad, its allure has crumbled. Click to enlarge [Vanishing New York]

Former wooden President-elect of the United States Al Gore was on 60 Minutes last night, being frumpy and endearing, as is his wont. His new project is promoting a huge $300 million ad campaign by the Alliance for Climate Protection, which is based on the (correct) theory that we Americans are such lazy, brainwashed zombies that we need a shiny, consumer-friendly ad campaign to convince us to stop choking ourselves with carbon dioxide. The 60 Minutes segment showed Gore visiting the ad agency, and even showed a clip of the ad, which is great free media exposure. Too bad its benefit was canceled out by the bitter taste left by the subsequent mutterings of Andy Rooney. Well, let's all hope this ad thing works so we don't die! After the jump, the first ad, which is Gore-like in its earnestness.

Are you a single parent of any or every race with an adorable little kid and a fierce hunger for "change"? Senator Barack Obama wants you. Well, either he does or some creepy Internet stalker wants to lure you to a shady, sparsely populated location.

First, the airbrushes came for Heidi Klum's nipples. Now, in what one can only hope does not signal a trend that will leave Americans sexless once and for all, the airbrushes have struck at an even more vulnerable target: the male wrestlers of Wrestlemania. The city of Orlando seems to feel that John Cena and Floyd Mayweather's nipples are not fit for the public gaze. We pray this abomination is not allowed to stand. Below, close up shots of the monstrous androgynous fighters' chests.

Newspaper advertising dropped 7.9% last year-and that's before the recession really bit. Revenue from their websites, that sliver at the top in slightly paler red, could only slow the decline. [Data from the Newspaper Association of America. Chart by Gawker.]

Gays: Here is one of the plainest insights you will ever get into how you are perceived by the liquor industry, and, by extension, by the advertising industry that gets paid to understand consumers such as yourself. Pictured here is an ad for Basil Hayden's whiskey that was placed in "general market" publications. Its tagline reads, "When you walk into a bar, you're on stage." After the jump, the tagline for the version of that same ad that was placed into Gay/ Lesbian publications: