Sure, the current dicey economic climate has reduced America to nation of terrified food hoarders. But more importantly, it has cost us some of our annoying and unnecessarily strange advertising icons: Applebee's Wanda Sykes-voiced talking apple, and a bunch of guys running around in bizarre red pigtail wigs on behalf of Wendy's. Take a moment to mourn them. "Both campaigns were meant to attract younger diners," the Times reports. But they failed, because kids aren't doing as many drugs these days, I guess. The companies' new advertising strategy? "Hey, look at our food."

Apparently there's only one script for viral ads on the Internet: Guy does small trick with product, guy does bigger trick with product, guy's friends tell camera, each other, bystanders and guy how awesome he is. There's always music in the background and you can always tell it's fake. I just explained how the same ad agency that did this for Ray-Ban last year just did it for Levi's; apparently Coors hired someone for a cut-rate version in this terribly staged YouTube "viral video" of Coors can tricks, shown below (along with a cute little parody).

My friends are blogging about this viral video of guys doing backflips into their jeans. So neat! So shareable! So worth the million views the three-day-old clip already earned! But I could tell instantly (and I have no idea why no one else did) that this was a stealth ad — because it's a direct copy of a stealth ad that got over 3 million views last year.

Is ABC trying its hand at subliminal advertising? Check out this network lead-in for The View, with its brief flash of a teaser ad for another show. It may not be quick enough to qualify as "subliminal" technically (if you know the formal threshold, please comment), but it makes ABC's point: be prepared for an ad to flash unexpectedly in front of your eyes at any moment! Click to watch.

An ad copywriter named Yutaka Tsujino was looking for a new job. So he made himself a website called YutakaSucks.com, full of imaginary testimonials about how much he sucks at his work. And it got him a job! "We think he's hilarious," says his new agency. Consider using this tactic to land your next position. (Note: does not work if you actually suck.) [Adrants]

You know that Dove "Campaign for Real Beauty," which featured women slightly less skeletal than the average model, and therefore demonstrated that Dove is the greatest, most big-hearted company ever in the world? Well now there's a scandal about it! A new New Yorker story about Pascal Dangin, the world's "premier retoucher of fashion photographs," contains this tidbit on Dove's campaign, which ostensibly celebrates authentic, unadulterated womanhood:

MTV Networks is having its upfronts today, where it pitches its new season to advertisers. The network is also trying to sell sponsors on its "podbusting" techniques—i.e., making commercials that are like mini-shows in themselves. The theory, of course, is that making ads more like regular programs will defeat the almighty Tivo, with content so compelling that you cannot help but watch, slack-jawed, as the hypnotic 60-second Mountain Dew Bourne Ultimatum spinoff flickers before your eyes. They're so entertaining! Way better than boring old regular commercials. In one sense, this is corporate America trying to give us what we want. But do we really want better ads?

Stanley Fish—public intellectual, Times blogger, and man of secret ethics—has been doing a lot of thinking about rental car ads, and their relation to cheating on your wife and/ or gay lover. "The genius of the commercials is that they foreground the sexuality that informs the relationship between the car owner and the object of his/her affection," Fish wrote. That's what I'm saying! Because many rental car ads play on the theme of leaving your old car for a new one, Fish believes they are deserving of deep deconstruction. About his favorite Avis ad, he concludes "Lust is lust and betrayal is betrayal, whether the relationship is gay or straight." Others might just like the part with the car, and the guy, and the joke. The ad, and his deep, sexy analysis of its genre, below.

The Photoshop Monster never sleeps. In March we brought you possibly the five worst Photoshop distortions ever. But it's clear that lessons have not been learned among those who wield the program's horrific power. Must all consumers be forced to live in a world in which perspective and continuity do not exist? It doesn't seem fair. After the jump, five more abominations of our modern media world, culled from the multitudes at the Photoshop Disasters blog.

What do you do when you need to find some good stars for your upcoming porn film, but are too cheap to put a free ad on Craigslist? Hang a flier on a pole in Bushwick, of course. And to maximize responses, just leave space at the bottom for everyone interested in starring in your low-budget fuckfest to write in their name, "Length, Girth," and email or Myspace address. Don't worry, your friends will respect you in the morning. It's a perfect opportunity for you indie rock kids in "Bushdick" to earn some extra cash between jobs. Click through for a bigger picture, and to read the enticing pitch:

Overseas outsourcing of newspaper jobs started years ago as a slow trickle, mostly from IT departments and the like. As the financial prospects of the newspaper industry have declined, outsourcing has come to be viewed as more of a necessity. Even news jobs have been sent to India, although that is still a relative rarity. More common—and more threatening, if you happen to be a US newspaper employee—is the large-scale outsourcing of advertising department work. People in India can assemble newspaper ads just as well as people here, and "many sources agreed that a back-of-the-envelope calculation shows that metro newspapers can realize a savings of about $500,000 a year when ad production work is offshored."

New York City: It is surrounded by New York state. This is the key message that state officials are hoping to communicate to you, the public, with their new and improved "I Love NY" campaign [NYT]. "There are a lot of beautiful pictures of serene mountains and lakes. How do you make your mountains and lakes different?" asked an ad exec. By polluting them with dioxin and a plethora of prescription drugs? No, it turns out the answer is to suggest that "we have the pulsating heart and soul of New York City in everything we do." In fact, it looks like the whole campaign is an attempt to slingshot some tourists out of the city for little jaunts upstate. Which will be hard, because New York state pretty much sucks.

Optimum Online commercials: they are now their own genre. A specific category at the Grammy Awards, a spot in the Olympic Games, and a bust on Mount Rushmore are reserved specifically for the psychedelic, grating ads that this strange company produces. The original "Reggaeton-Jet Ski-Lifeguard" spot was an over-the-top classic after only 17,000 exposures per person in the Tristate area; the follow up spot, all shiny, kinetic, and Hype Williams-esque, expanded the motif. Now there's a new one in circulation, and it shifts the setting to suburbia, with a sort of knockoff Gwen Stefani character whirling through a household with backup dancers, and the odd appearance of an old lady who is also a race car driver. Philosophers, break out your thinking caps. The full ad is after the jump.

Mentos ads started out very friendly. "The freshmaker!" the man with the vaguely foreign accent would proclaim. They were cheesy and fun. Their newest project, though, is far, far, darker. We're not quite sure how it's supposed to make us feel, but we would describe the experience as awkward and terrifying. If you choose to visit MentosKissCam.com [via Adrants], be prepared for some virtual sexual harassment.

The Economist, the smartest magazine in the world, may not be the smartest magazine in the world any more. Oh, the articles are just fine (we assume. We haven't read it since that free trial subscription ran out). We're basing our judgment on the magazine's new ad campaign. Which is utterly baffling. What, exactly, is the message here? Is the clown-and-stuffed-animal motif too clever for me to comprehend? Quite possible, but the campaign still reeks of a weeded college student breaking into the ad agency one night and replacing the real ads with these. Disturbing. Two full-sized pics of the inexplicable things [via Copyranter], below.

American food, despite having devolved to the point that it is totally formulated by scientists, manufactured by machines, ergonomically packaged, and full of ingredients that do not occur in the natural world, is still a bit too challenging—and downright complicated—for many of our citizens. So Kraft, which makes many of your favorite brands of junk food, is dumbing down its packaging and product offerings so even the most simple among us can enjoy pudding, Cool Whip, and cheese slices. All together, even!

Pop culture is always a step behind the real cutting-edge culture that defines what's cool in the current zeitgeist. And mass media advertising, with its drive for universal appeal, is generally made from an even weaker brew than pop culture. What that means for us is that these ads from the 1950s and 60s—which lack not only today's sense of political correctness, but also their own era's sense of cool—are an entertaining lens through which to view the age of beatniks and free love. Groove your way to the hippie party with a 1969 stereo in your new General Motors automobile! Six classic examples [via Flickr/ Coudal], after the jump.

When you're in a bar, and you need to get up from your seat for a moment, have you ever felt a desire for a paper square—preferably printed with a cheeky message—that you could place on your chair as a "seat saver" until you return? Us neither. But someone in Philadelphia apparently thought that such a thing would be useful innovation. As well as a perfect medium for advertising messages! So they made the thingamajigs, which are double-sided with two contrasting messages that you can change based on (guessing here) how drunk you are. What branding initiative wouldn't be enhanced by its inclusion on a product meant to primarily sit underneath people's asses? Two more pictures of these unreasonable things [via Adrants] below.

Our friend Copyranter brings this troubling ad to our attention. The ad, from today's USAToday (a highly esteemed bastion of journalism), uses a mugshot of Lindsay Lohan, coupled with what appear to be promotional photos for that Bennigan's off Route 9, to show us how drunk-sensing ignition locks should be used in moderation. Because, I, um, guess there is a gray area when it comes to drunk driving. So, yeah, their cause is pretty bad. But even worse is that they spelled the freckled boozehound's name wrong. It's "Lindsay," not "Lindsey" you dopes. You take out a full page ad in a national newspaper and you can't even spell a damn name right? You've been drinking too much. As have I. Click through for larger.

It's bottled water—for kids! Fortified with vitamins, minerals, and especially good old H2O. Finally, no more arguing with your kids to hush up and drink their Evian. Yves Behar has designed this "Y Water," featuring bottles that are also toys. And Kanye West loves it! I think I heard of this "bottled water that kids love" idea back when it was called "Capri Sun." Anyhow, I'm sure this product is both necessary, and a great value. Not to mention the obvious benefits for the plastics industry. Two fun-loving pics of children enjoying this capitalist monstrosity, after the jump.