Hey kids: you think Catholicism is all about musty old churches and child-molesting priests? Think again, yo! Everything that you think is cool came from a man named g-o-d—including blunt-smoking gangster rapper Snoop Dogg. Deify him! But he's not the only one of you young peoples' false idols who came from the Godmeister. That's right, Sienna Miller did too! These two ads from the Australian version of Marie Claire are supposed to promote the Catholic Church's upcoming World Youth Day. 1-8-7 with a gat in your mouth, Jesus! Gaze upon the full versions of two [REAL] horrifying ideas of youth outreach:

Would you like to become an "expert" in a field that really defies easy expert prediction? Here's how: Take a group of things in that field that have already proven themselves to be successful. Then find common characteristics among the items in that group. Put forward those characteristics as your own personal advice about how to be successful in said field. Then, when your audience discovers that simply staring at a bunch of characteristics of things successful in the past does nothing to help them make the hard decisions about the future, you can just shrug and say, "Hey, these things are complex!" This works for "experts" in stock picking, politics, and, especially, marketing.

Many of the print publications we used to read regularly we now keep track of online. And every now and then, when we pick up a print edition, we feel like a huge giant! Because everything—everything!—has shrunk. (Pretty sure the New York Press is printed on a cocktail napkin now?) The olde New York Times is now one measly foot wide. They've also added a useless "table of contents" that takes up three A section pages. Many readers naturally assume that they are paying more for less "news" and more "summaries of news" and "plugs for the website." Vanity Fair compared three copies of the paper from 2008, 2007, and 1998, and it turns out that there are just as many square inches of column space devoted to news in all three! Thanks, of course, to significantly less space devoted to advertising, which is why they are laying everyone off, again. [VF]

Retailing Death Star Wal-Mart is launching its own classified ad service. Slate, of course, thinks this could be a good thing for local newspapers, which could theoretically all join together with Wal-Mart to battle the Craigslist menace. Of course, Wal-Mart itself is bad for local newspapers, because it doesn't buy enough ads. Replied Slate, in my imagination: "We always say the opposite of everything, though." [Slate]

Universal is burning. Visit Universal! Though the fire was at the studio and the ad is probably for the amusement park, this mixed messaging is why computers will never beat humans when it comes to proven advertising placement that gets results. Monetary results. Results that don't involve any of your customers getting burned in fires. The so-called "geniuses" of the internet have yet to master that one, I guess! David Ogilvy, a human, would have caught this error using nothing more than a pencil, a pad of paper, and a big idea. Click to enlarge. [Gregg Scott via Mark Lisanti]

Rob Walker, who writes the "Consumed" column in the New York Times Magazine every weekend (a sweet "job"), has a new book out in which he draws the sad—but unavoidable—conclusion that we are all a bunch of sheep blindly obeying a world of marketing messages. You think you're able to use your education, morality, and philosophical beliefs to rise above advertising? Ha! That's what all the sheep think. Walker's not a gung-ho Corporate America kind of guy, which makes his thesis that much more depressing. But it's hard to argue with him. Go drown your sorrows in PBR like the hipster that you are. Your chosen brands make up your very soul:

These high gas prices are an absolute killer for the legalized sex trade. Truckers who enjoy paying for sex with hookers at isolated Nevada brothels have a lot less disposable income these days, so those brothels are being forced to do what once was unnecessary: marketing. Sex with anonymous prostitutes just doesn't sell itself these days! So the pimps, or whatever the legitimate business equivalent is called, are getting creative: not just billboards, but barbecue, beans, and trucker loyalty (to hookers) programs:

"Diversity has more than two I's," declares this illogical and insulting ad from Wal-Mart. According to the megaretailer and cultural homogenization machine, the word actually has five I's: Ideas, Input, Innovation, Influence and Impact. What, no Inspiration, Illustriousness, or Indubitably Incredible Instances of Impressive Ingenuity? I (ha) really question Wal-Mart's commitment. Why settle for diiiiiversity when you can have diiiiiiiiiiiiversity? Full picture of the disappointingly modest ad, after the jump.

Tom Ford is using nudity in his advertising! Hard to believe, I know. Mr. Ford may be one of the world's most influential designers, but his latest ads have largely completed the evolution from provocative to simply boring. Which is a difficult stunt to pull off, considering the subject matter. But these three spots, starring Brazilian Alex Schultz, are so in-your-face that they lose the sense of allure which should, ideally, accompany any fashion ad—penis-showing or otherwise. Also hard to pull off when using naked people: making your target audience think about clothes. See the disconnect there? We're ready for the cultural needle to swing back towards fully clothed models, thank you. After the jump, the three ads—which are all, predictably, NSFW.

Thanks to Bill O'Reilly, whose studio temper provided so much amusement last month, and the Craigslist advertiser who called to ask we remove pictures of him waving cash at online female admirers. Those two stories-plus other more worthy coverage of the Democratic primaries, the turmoil at the Wall Street Journal and blogging narcissism-helped Gawker.com to one of its strongest months in May. At 17.3m pageviews, traffic was up 115% on December; and the site's audience was at 3.0m unique visitors up 150% since the end of last year. After the jump, the charts.

Oprah is the most important person in the world, singlehandedly driving American book-buying and butt cream choices. Ad Age has a monster article today about "How to Get Your Brand on 'Oprah,'" which is the most important task facing American marketers everywhere at any given time. And after thousands of words, the magazine nails the secret to landing your widget in this "pinnacle of product publicity": get Oprah to like you, or something!

The anchor of Fox's "Good Day New York" thinks this Rachael Ray/ Dunkin' Donuts controversy (recap: Celebuchef Ray wore a keffiyeh in an ad, right-wingers were outraged, the company pulled the ad) is so stupid. It is! When the story came up this morning, he acknowledged that he can't stand Rachael Ray and doesn't even care what this controversy is about. Cue co-anchor Jodi Applegate leaning over and hissing (audibly): "Dunkin Donuts is one of our sponsors." His backtracking is magical! Please, click to watch this moment of journalistic integrity in action.

CONSOL Energy is obviously having a hard time finding enough good people to join the ranks of the professional coal mining community. The company has produced an awesome virtual reality tour of a coal mine on its website, to help convince you what a great career coal mining can be. Apparently modern coal mines are made up of four rooms: "Challenging," "Rewarding," "Opportunity," and "Stability." Which one do you want to go to? I don't know, whichever one has the most coal! [via Adrants]

Steve Outing, a former editor at the Poynter Institute and self-described "new-media visionary" Christopher Ryan have started a blog to brainstorm ideas for new classified advertising business models. While quotes from the likes of new media pundit JD Lasica assert "Craig Newmark of Craigslist is not the devil incarnate," the level of obsession is evidenced in the site's popular categories. One cure for the classified ad revenue decline fever suggested? More Seesmic! [ReinventingClassifieds]

Popular pretend-life game The Sims is now selling $20 add-on packs of virtual IKEA furniture to decorate their virtual houses. Advertising like this in video games seems, on its face, to be a win-win business proposition; companies get captive, slack-jawed audience for their virtual ads and products, and game developers get a new revenue stream where none existed before. The only problem: nobody really knows whether these types of ads work. Oh, and the other problem: The entire concept is incredibly sad.

Toronto, proving once again that it is a city ahead of its time when it comes to zombie creativity, is currently hosting an onstage musical version of the classic, terrible 1981 zombiesploitation flick Evil Dead. To advertise the show their agency is making zombie-themed versions of posters from popular Broadway shows. Any excuse to make the theater more friendly to the undead is worthwhile. Pictured, a Les Miserables ripoff; and after the jump, a Hairspray version.

Las Vegas-based e-tailer Zappos, which prides itself on innovative management techniques like paying new hires to leave, is also an "innovator" in the advertising space. Not for the company's TV ads, but for leveraging the post-9/11 security landcape to get the word out. "When I'm coming through security I know that it can be frustrating and this is to provide a little lightheartedness," senior marketing manager Andy Kurlander said of the ad-buy for space in the buckets used by travelers to feed shoes and other items through the x-ray machine. The company should also consider a market which can only buy mail-order that's an even more captive audience: Prisoners. Heck, they could order new kicks straight from a Microsoft TouchWall.

So much racism news today! What else are non-Caucasians concerned about? Their massive erasure from the portrayal of New York City in its marketing campaign to tourists, that's what! The city's laughably titled "Just ask the locals" campaign encourages clueless tourists to ask famous NYC celebrities—who are friendly, and stationed at strategic spots throughout town—where to go in the city. Deborah Harry likes Kenkeleba Garden in the East Village! But now people are grumbling, because a little counting reveals that an outrageously disproportionate number of the celebs featured in the campaign are white. Latinos, it seems, just don't sell:

State Farm ran this painfully ordinary ad recently showing a happy Asian couple holding a baby, posed in front of their typical suburban home, voicing thoughts about saving money on insurance. Perfectly tedious. But Multicult Classics finds another version of the ad—same house, same car, same happy family pose—featuring a different (Filipino?) couple. They're also thinking about insurance! People have always said that all Asians look alike, but really; not even a different stroller? Below, both of the ads:

One night last week I found myself watching the NBC Nightly News—a rare occurrence, because I am not yet old. The lead story was about how American Airlines was going to start charging a $15 fee for each checked bag. Grumbling! Populist outrage! What will these dang companies do next?! It became clear at that early moment that despite the economic necessity of the move, American was going to get absolutely slammed in the court of public opinion. And now the verdict is in: they did!