• Seventeen EIC Atoosa Rubenstein continues to drop verbal gems wherever she goes. At Gotham Hall last night, she let it be known that in high school, no one wanted to have sex with her because of her hairy "werewolf legs." Well, now we know. But we wish we didn't. [Muckracked]
• We can't help it, but we're still kind of loving the cracktarded TMZ. Their paparazzi video clips are priceless — watch Nicole Richie walk out of a doctor's office and feel the magic for yourselves! [TMZ]
• And in other emaciated starlet news, Lindsay Lohan is seen kissing Kate Moss's latest boy, 21-year-old bartender Jaime Burke. Could he be the K-Fed of the coke crowd? [People]
• The Times blog development team has some major security issues to deal with. [Daily Gotham]
• Amazingly enough, the New Yorker manages to take all the joy out of Astoria's Bohemian Hall Beer Garden with one simple review. [NYer]
• Tom Cruise can conquer the world — but a car door, not so much. [Got Detroit]
• Bloomberg visits the set of the Nanny Diaries. He just adored the book, y'know? [Newsday]
• Thankfully, we can always turn to Williamsboard to remind us that hipsters have no reservations about being just as stereotypical as ever. [Williamsboard]
• Bad news: After spending a week submerged in a tank full of bombast, David Blaine's hands and feet seem to be returning back to normal. [ABC]

• Does the one-two punch of Time 100 and the National Magazine Awards underscore the uselessness of the newsweeklies? Scocca says yes. [NYO]
• Yes, Barney Calame sucks. No, that doesn't mean the Times should scrap the public editor experiment. [Slate]
• What readers will want in a news website, circa 2016. Surprisingly not on the list: Life lessons from Bonnie Fuller. [WSJ]
• Three staffers, including co-executive editor Mark Coleman, leave Star for Life & Style. Uh-oh. [WWD]
• Writers like soap operas. [NYO]

On this morning's Today show, former Times editor Howell Raines sat down to promote his new memoir, The One That Got Away. Naturally, much of the conversation centered on miniature fabulist Jayson Blair, who Raines refers to as a "dwarf" in his book. When asked if he was guilty of being mean-spirited, Raines does the honorable thing: he blames his son.

We can't shake the feeling that there's basically no news going on today. Judging by the bottom half of its front page, the Times clearly agrees.

We've read the first few grafs several times now, and we cannot begin to figure out what the hell Natalie Angier's is talking about in her Science section piece today on — what, animals? motherhood? crime? But that's OK, because we're too intrigued by the associated Wegmanesque imagery to do much reading, anyway. A rabbit smoking? A panda in a mugshot? Weird.

Well, almost equal:

Not quite recovered from having Michiko Kakutani serve her her ass on a plate, A.M. Homes gets another mini-beating in this week's Times Book Review, courtesy of Walter Kirn, who calls Homes a "Streisandist." Why Walter, you just coined an awesome new insult! Well done! After the jump, Intern Alexis muses on Streisandism, happy books, and scary turtle pictures in her weekly guide to sounding like you read.

From "Forbes May Seek Investment From Outside," by Andrew Ross Sorkin, NYT, today:

Sixth borough advocate Jessica Pressler has abandoned her dreams of legitimizing Philly and instead turned her attention to the revival of the zine, those lovingly crafted obscure magazines with miniscule circulations and offbeat content. While the zines of old were likely pasted together in basement bedroom (or Krucoff's apartment), nowadays they're high-design productions with significant cover prices. There's also heavy advertising, which defines the difference between these small, independent publications and their bigger counterparts. Swindle mag's Shepard Fairey explains:

• In latest stats, newspaper circ is — of course — down. One exception: The mighty NYT. Yay. Elsewhere in town, the Post-News gap narrows, as Rupe's tab loses fewer readers than Mort's. [E&P]
• Bauer to sell Life & Style and In Touch for only a quarter in two weeks. Hey, it worked for the Post. [Ad Age]
• The Forbes family seeks outside investors for European expansion. Being filthy rich apparently ain't what it used to be. [NYT]
• The Times new Weddings/Celebrations videos: Appalling, addictive slideshows. [Slate]
• Kaavya ain't the only plagiarizer out there. [NYM]
• Michael Jackson is mad at GQ, which made fun of him. [BBC]

Timesman Rick Berke was promoted in January to become the paper's assistant managing editor for news. In that capacity, as Bill Keller noted in the memo announcing the move, Berke would count among his duties supervising "a serious conversation about the quality of writing at the paper." So, pray tell, what do you think would increase the quality of writing in the Times? We'd suggest starting with the lengths of stories — and Berke says he agrees. Which is why it's quite so amusing that the first fruits of that "serious discussion" — released at the very end of the day Friday, which a serious newsman like Berke would no doubt find a curious time for a major organization to be releasing information — is a memo that runs to 29 pages (including the lovely MSWord-designed cover, above right).

Still holding out hope to win your dream trip through a malarial jungle with Nick Kristof? Bad news for you, then, kiddies. We're reliably informed that the Times has winnowed the list of applicants down to about 15 finalists, and those finalists have been notified and asked to send along academic transcripts. (You've got to be an enrolled student at an American university for the change to spend time on a bedbug-infested mattress with Nick and his chin dimple, alas.) So if you haven't heard from them, you're no longer in it. Sorry about that.

Oxfeld: did you know, before the sunday times told you, that "poseidon adventure" was a big gay movie?
Coen: i had no idea. but once i read that, i assumed you had watched it during your pubescent years and have since associated tidal waves with the tidal wave of emotion in realizing you liked boys.
Oxfeld: i had no idea till yesterday
Coen: really? but now, when you see trailers for it, you get a little turned on — right?
Oxfeld: um, no.
Oxfeld: haven't seen a trailer. never saw the movie.
Coen: then you're not really gay!
Oxfeld: right. didn't see it cause pubescent years were otherwise occupied with streisand flicks and golden girls.

Perhaps we were a little too quick to mock The Times a few months ago during their 27-part-series, How Sleep is Slept in America. Specifically, The Times drew attention to the fact that "Ambien has been implicated in enough automobile accidents that it has commanded the attention of top forensic scientists." While we were dubious at the time, the NYT's thesis has indeed been borne out: Witness Rhode Island congressman Patrick Kennedy's assertion that his recent vehicular altercation with a Capitol Hill traffic barrier was the result of the controversial sleep aid. Kennedy driving jokes are such a low form of comedy that even Clyde Haberman seems embarrassed to use them (he still does, but, you know, not happily) so we're just going to suggest that Senator Ada Smith look into the possibility that the sedative causes robusta rage.

Mayor Bloomberg has signed a proclamation honoring Sigmund Freud here in town, which provides The Times' Take-A-Senior-To-Work-Day columnist Clyde Haberman yet another opportunity to dial it in. Haberman, who's never met a bad joke he didn't like or an easy assertion he wouldn't make, turns his laserlike acuity on the fact that, well, a lot of New Yorkers are in therapy. He suggests a variety of reasons, including the predominance of shrinks who settled in town during the war (World War II, that is, although he probably remembers the shifting demographic patterns of the city after the War of 1812), the stresses of living in such a hard-charging city, and, of course, New Yorkers' natural introspection and curiosity about themselves. Not mentioned: Having to read crap like this twice a week. Can we get someone to take Clyde out for a ride into the woods already? Just be sure you don't turn on your cell phone until he's completely out of the car.

Thought the star system at The New York Times died with Howell Raines' editorship? Perhaps in the public eye, yes. But in the way that really matters — the pocketbook — far from it. Since 1990, it turns out, the Times has awarding favored writers a special "senior writer" status — which is to say, a we-like-you cash bonus. But there's a problem! With no one moving out of the senior-writer slots, there's no way to move new people in. And so there was a memo from Bill Keller yesterday: Senior writer terms will now last for only four years, after which you might be renewed but might not be. This way, there'll be new slots opening regularly, and the chance for new hotshots to get their bonuses.

Just posted to the Times site:

• Michael Kinsley does not want to be the next editor of Time. Who does? Also: Front-page ads coming to the Journal? [NYO]
• Former Wall $treet Week host Louis Rukeyser dies, four years after PBS killed him off. [NYT]
• The Source will finally get a new owner tomorrow. [NYP]
• Times obits to go video. [Media Mob/NYO]
• Bill Keller is no fan of the WSJ editorial page. We're shocked. [WSJ]

Yes, that is a black man in a suit. No, it is not slain rapper Proof, as identified. No, we can't say this is surprising.

Yesterday afternoon, a three-foot-long metal rod fell from the new New York Times Building, currently under construction across from Port Authority, and crashed through the sunroof of a passing Honda. There were three passengers inside — a husband, who was hit on the shoulder by the pip; his wife, whose head was cut by it; and their 2-year-old son, whose face was scratched. All three were taken to St. Vincent's in Midtown for treatment and soon released.