The Way We Live Now: Waving goodbye to Mr. Nice Guy. In the good old days, we were free to shoplift without being beaten to death, and to live in the suburbs without being eaten by coyotes. No more.

McKinsey consultants are very close to completing their evaluation of Conde Nast and all of its glorious over-consumption. This can only mean one thing: the dismantling of a publishing empire and, also, countless unborn dreams.

British brides hell bent on looking svelte for their big day are adopting a 500-calorie diet — and paying the price. Sadly, the diet has claimed its 17th a victim, forcing the company to pursue an indifferent defense.

Just like the Hobo New York Times, USA Today now has its own wine club. But! Theirs has "a unique twist." No cliches? No, that's not it!

The Way We Live Now: In a Mad Maxian hellscape. Do you even realize how far we've fallen? Our political campaigns are staffed by hobos. Our police forces are stocked with vigilantes. And our "states" are just gussied-up liquor stores.

The Way We Live Now: Falling through the safety net. Instead of "doctors," we have EMTs. Instead of "vacations," we have the park. Instead of "new Trapper Keepers," we have your new Trapper Keeper, that we stole. From you.

Art auctions are doing alright, but the gallery market is still "fragile." [NYT]

The Way We Live Now: On the job. Who can afford to retire? Who can afford to take a vacation? Who can afford to stop thinking about making money for one single instant? Nobody we know.

The Way We Live Now: Just trying to do what seemed right at the time, Your Honor. We had to rob that bank, to supplement our police salary. We had to skip jury duty. It's expensive. Crime is money!

If you think gas is expensive, try buying pot. It can totally eat a hole in your wallet, which explains why a Maryland man tried to trade leafy greens for gasoline. He should have tried using his coke stash. [AP]

The Way We Live Now: Sell! Sell! Sell! Sell it all! Sell it off! Take! Take the money out! Take it! Sorry. Just had to dump stocks from that "rally," ha. Anyhow: loan sharks are back!

The Way We Live Now: With busted cuts. Our haircuts are busted cause we had to cut it ourselves. Our finger cuts are busted from trying to open soup cans. And the mob's cut of our stimulus cash has us...busted.

Cablevision, which foolishly bought Newsday for $650 million and promptly began running it into the ground (more so), is now setting money alight by rejecting newspaper ads from Cablevision competitor Verizon. Cablevision is unskilled at newspaper management. [NYT]

Maybe Ben Bernanke really did know what he was doing, because the Federal Reserve has raked in an estimated $14 billion from fees and interests stemming from the bailout. But, never fear, there could still be bigger, uncounted losses. [FT]

There's a line in a song: "All the freaky people make the beauty of the world." And then there's this: a blog taking photos of Wal-Mart patrons. Cruel? Yes. Hysterical? Absolutely. But fascinating. And somehow, art.

The Way We Live Now: With politics superseded by reality. Ideology's fine when everyone has jobs and homes and enough cash for Crispy Chik'n Wraps, but those days are gone. Tear down the border fence! And sell it for scrap!

It turns out the banks our government helped save are now bigger, stronger and more greedy than ever. And that means we're all doomed to live under an oligarchy. Russia, here we come!

The Way We Live Now: Third-worldin' it, yall! We are the world. We are the USA. We ride on little tap-tap scooters and buy coconut water from street vendors and smoke bootleg cigarettes. We know how you feel, impoverished masses!

Sigh. Here we thought Facebook, Twitter and all those silly little websites were making our lives easier. Not so!

The Way We Live Now: Gap-toothed. Too poor to get a falsie to complete our smile. Lawyers aren't making it! Kitschy yuppie bars on skid row are losing ambiance! Nine trillion dollars in debt is a lot. A lot.