A Bronze Medal Is Better Than Silver

Jordan Sargent · 08/09/16 03:40PM

The organizing principle of the Olympic medals functions as a universal language. Gold means first place, silver means second place, bronze means third place. The games have changed over the years, but this concept has remained a constant.

Marco Rubio Is Losing

Alex Pareene · 12/22/15 09:25AM

Is Senator Marco Rubio running for president? Is that a stupid question? After all, there he was on stage last week in Las Vegas, speaking more than any candidate besides Cruz (he beat Trump!). He was, according to FiveThirtyEight, the most-attacked Republican candidate, too, which usually indicates frontrunner status. Except Marco Rubio isn’t a frontrunner in any poll, in any primary state; his popularity remains primarily theoretical. Is he actually doing anything to change that?

Rick Santorum Had a Campaign Rally in Iowa and Only One Person Showed Up

Adam Weinstein · 06/10/15 10:51AM

Some competitors thrive on being the underdog. Some find humor and vigor in humiliating setbacks. And some are just glass-jawed failure artists, their piled losses more befitting than any theoretical small victory. Rick Santorum is the latter, having reached mediocrity’s apogee while eating lunch alone on Monday.

Animals Bout to Die

Hamilton Nolan · 05/04/15 04:03PM

Herbivores—animals too weak to even kill and eat another, weaker animal—may be in for an “enormous” die-off soon. I suppose this is our fault, also?

Watch Oscar Nominees Lose Again and Again

Rich Juzwiak · 02/25/13 01:15AM

Oscars host Seth MacFarlane closed out the show alongside proud pipsqueak Kristin Chenoweth with an original musical number dedicated to the night's losers. Since it was dreadful (and murmured as if MacFarlane and Chenoweth knew to be embarrassed), we can do better. Here's a proper ode to the losers: the exact moment that the nominees lost (and one won) looped for eternity. (This an update to this post of the losers throughout the years that I put together last year.) This is the reason that the animated gif was invented.

A List of Everyone Donald Trump Called Loser

Prachi Gupta · 08/16/12 04:09PM

Avid Tamagatchi and fine-toothed comb collector Donald Trump knows a thing or two about the word "loser." Namely, Donald Trump knows when it can best be used to describe a person, place, business, television show, or thing.

This Is All the Fault of the Average American

Hamilton Nolan · 09/07/11 11:30AM

After last month's wild stock market fluctuations, Americans are all hoping that the various investment indexes calm down and return to a modest, steady climb. Right? Hahaha, no. Americans are all hoping to scrounge a nickel's worth of aluminum cans.

Don't Even Think of Throwing a Subway Party

Brian Moylan · 08/10/11 01:42PM

When the subway pulls into your station, you never know what you're going to find. You might end up sitting next to a passed out junkie in a wheelchair, you might get stuck on the dreaded "stinky car," or, worst of all, there might be a bunch of tacky assholes who took over the train with their party.

Everybody in College Gets Good Grades Now

Hamilton Nolan · 07/14/11 03:59PM

In my day, college grades were evenly distributed on a "curve," which was determined by...well who knows, we were all so blunted back then. The point is, you can now safely accuse kids these days of getting everything for free.