Less than a week after Pokémon Go’s launch, our streets are already filled with packs of phone-wielding, Weedle-catching zombies. They’re robbing our teens, filling our churches with sinners, and tricking our children into exercising. But worst of all, Pokémon Go is turning us all into an army of narcs in service of the coming New World Order.

If there’s one thing noted Facebook user Sarah Palin hates, it’s logic. If there are two things Sarah Palin hates, though, the second is almost definitely the Democrats’ secret apocalyptic globalist agenda. Which is why Sarah Palin would like to take a moment to congratulate all those Brits who voted to leave the EU and effectively cripple their country. You really showed the Illuminati this time.

“Think of it as The Establishment 2.0,” says the New York Times, of the “Working Team of the Itasca Project,” a group of “14 men and women who oversee some of the biggest companies, philanthropies and other institutions in Minneapolis, St. Paul and the surrounding area,” and who meet weekly “to quietly shape the region’s economic agenda.” Or think of it another way, if you want. Like... as a cabal?

Behind the wealthy and famous people who appear to control global socioeconomic forces, there’s a secretive power elite hiding in the shadows, pulling the strings, and eating free food at McDonald’s. Last night, actor Rob Lowe publicly revealed himself as one of them.

I never realized how not pregnant Beyoncé might have been until the Saturday premiere of her HBO documentary, Life Is But a Dream. Since announcing her pregnancy at the 2011 MTV Video Music Awards (in August of that year), there have been naysayers, referred to with tongue in cheek as "Beyoncé birthers." There was that footage of her apparently pregnant belly folding in on itself when she made an appearance on Australian TV in the fall of 2011. Months later, Beyoncé addressed it with a pithy explanation: "It was a fabric that folded - does fabric not fold? Oh my gosh, so stupid."

Getting images removed from photo agencies' websites: so hot right now. On Monday, we discovered that photos of Kanye West in his much-maligned kilt at the 12-12-12 concert were removed from Getty's site and various others. Now, controversial shots of Beyoncé have gotten the same treatment.

Well, that was one way to quiet the lip-synching haters/give credence to rumors of Illuminati: Minutes after Beyoncé's inspired performance and just moments after a record-setting kickoff return from the Baltimore Ravens' Jacoby Jones, power went out in over half of the Superdome. CBS's James Brown said the outage was caused by a power surge. Another CBS reporter who spoke with NFL officials said the blackout was caused after an outside power source was lost. NFL and stadium officials reset the lights and, after a 35-minute delay, power was restored. So far, no official reason has been given but, for now, certain groups are denying responsibility:

How deep does the Super Bowl Illuminati rabbit hole go? As deep as all rabbit holes: straight into hell.

Is the 2012 London Olympics a flawed and corrupt but ultimately heartwarming celebration of athletic achievement and a sign of peace and cooperation among nations? Or is it a sinister occult ritual undertaken by the British Royal family and the Illuminati to summon ancient demons and secure their power over the mindless masses? The peaceful celebration, definitely. But that hasn't stopped the internet from doing what it does best: making weird YouTube videos and posting to conspiracy theory message boards. Behold, the best of the internet's Olympic conspiracy theories.

Here are Five Surprising Things we can learn from FoxNews.com's story about how pop artists are turning to satanic imagery to drum up sales:

Why did Jay-Z and Beyoncé name their kid "Blue Ivy"? What was the deal with Madonna's Super Bowl halftime show? Why did Whitney Houston die? Some people might say that "famous people are weird and sad" is the answer to all three questions. But no, the answer is: The Illuminati. Who? Allow us to explain.

Why did Jay-Z and Beyoncé name their daughter Blue Ivy? Possibly because they are exceedingly wealthy celebrities for whom the act of procreation is chiefly an exercise in branding... or because "Blue Ivy" is a secret code revealing her membership in an ancient and all-powerful occult secret society. Which could it be??

Remember that hoodie with the strange, cult-like symbol inside that Mark Zuckerberg wore to the D8 conference? In June, one was sold on eBay for over $4,000. If you're pissed about missing that chance to waste money, here's another.

Jay-Z Problem Number 76/99: A Christian rapper trying to 'beef' with him, as he accuses Mr. Beyonce of Satanism, Freemasonry, and membership in the Illuminati. Come to think of it, there is something decidedly evil about "Change Clothes." [ANIMAL NY]

Prodigy, the Mobb Deep rapper currently taking advantage of his incarceration to hone his blogging skills, is concerned about quite a few things: ritualistic murders, the 9/11 conspiracy, secret societies, missing children, and "NATURAL ENERGY LINES THAT CRISS-CROSS THE ENTIRE PLANET." How do these things all tie together? Allow Prodigy explain at length [Vibe], like a man with plenty of time to type and type and type and go crazier and crazier and crazier:

Hollywood writers are striking because studios will not give them residuals from content distributed over the Internet or through DVDs. Or are they? One of the first films already effected by the strike is Ron Howard's adaptation of Dan Brown's Angels & Demons, the sequel prequel to The Da Vinci Code. Could the Illuminati, the secret society exposed in Brown's book, be behind the strike? Could I, a blogger, possibly find a cheesier way to get you to find out more?