Perhaps as fed up with the ridiculous success of Meet the Fockers as the rest of us, the WeHo crowd has their claws out for Babs. A spy relates the chatter:

Seriously, we'll print anything today. New Year's Eve is like a national holiday from our senses. And since all the agents and producers are busy demanding better rooms while checking into Phuket resorts (you know they love a good deal), they'll never know all the fun they missed. An equally-bored tipster sends this in:

If you're famous, please please don't die in the next 48 hours, because the news folk have already put together their lists of everyone who died this year. Just hold on until New Year's Day.

Jerry Orbach, the badass Lennie Briscoe of Law and Order, is reportedly dead at the age of 69.

· Adam Baldwin joins cast of Fox drama The Inside as a "tough, seasoned FBI agent, a man's man with 25 years on the job." [THR]
· Lifetime movie of the week catches President Bush's eye, prompts him to pass the Video Voyeurism Protection Act. The act makes secretly taping people a federal crime, unless your name is Cheney. Perhaps more important though, is the revelation that the President is watching Lifetime (Television for Women (and Homos)), and can be communicated to through said outlet. Look out for the network's new series Get us the Fuck Out of Iraq, this spring. [THR]
· Oscar Ballots were sent out this weekend, and in the holiday mail rush, are sure to end up unfilled, on Hollywood's mantle, next to Brian Grazer's children. [THR]
· It's official: everyone got an iPod for Christmas, except you. (And except for those of you who got Sirius radios, to whom we say: ha ha!) [THR]

Whoo, it's a paper-thin gossip day:

Actually, gossip this week isn't so much actually "gossip" as it is "items placed in exchange for Christmas bribes and favors owed and/or actual press releases and human interest stories," but hell:

Your devoted and talented Defamer editor, Mark Lisanti, will be "on vacation" this week. (Incidentally, Mark writes this site all by himself, for those of you who think there's a team of crackheads over here at Defamer HQ. Nay! Mark does all the crack by himself! That's why his publicist would like you to know he is suffering from "exhaustion." Just like Whitney and Lil' Lohan! So fancy!) Anyway, I'm Choire Sicha, and I'll be filling in for him as we all vaguely pretend to work throughout this unholy week.

No one ever thought the movie would actually survive until Christmas, but Stillborn Before Halloween just didn't have the same ring to it.

· Lindsay Lohan dumps Endeavor for CAA, who apparently provided her with a much more comprehensive strategy for the further marketing of her assets. Which is no mean feat, considering that Endeavor snagged her $3.5 million per breast from 20th Century Fox. [THR]
· HBO is on the verge of becoming the first network in history to top a billion dollars in profit. And all of this success without Good Morning Miami, Complete Savages, or Center of the Universe. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· For all of those kids who missed out on the whole Matrix thing: An upcoming Constantine videogame will allow players to feel the virtual "Whoa" of becoming Keanu Reeves. [THR]
· Please forgive us, but we must: Uma, Ulla. Ulla,Uma. Etc etc. (Oh, we feel so very unclean.) Uma Thurman may take over for Nicole Kidman in the film version of The Producers. [Variety]
· ESPN is developing a made-for-TV movie about legendary boxer Jack Johnson. Folly! How will they ever top Tom Sizemore's epic turn in Hu$tle? [THR]

Page Six reports that Viacom co-president/generously betoothed future despot Les Moonves has snatched up girlfriend Julie Chen from the set of The Early Show and taken her to Mexico, where he will in short order make her the first member of his galactic harem. After Moonves weds Chen, he's in a great position to sweep up through the Baja Peninsula, looting every town from Cabo to Los Angeles and seizing additional war brides from the newly subjugated population. We must applaud this strategic masterstroke and will beg for mercy when the invasion reaches LA's east side.

NY Daily News JV gossip Lloyd Grove, like many men before and many still to come, has been driven insane by Paris Hilton's vagina. Today, he tears his hair, lets out a bloodcurdling shriek, and scrawls "NO MORE PARIS!" on the newsroom wall in red Sharpie:

The holiday season happily conjures images of decorated Christmas trees, flickering menorahs,..and Johnny Damon?

A reader discovers Renee Zellweger's, um, revealing lingerie recommendations among the "Star Choices" section at the La Petite Croquette website:

· The Five Stages of Life After Hearing That Jennifer Aniston Has Been Photographed Without Her Wedding Ring: 1. The Publicist Denial ; 2. Wanting to beat up Brad Pitt for being a lousy husband; 3. Resolving to hit on Aniston as a test of the strength of their marriage; 4. Why, Baby Jesus, why have you rent asunder this perfect celebrity union?; 5. Blowing your brains out before you have to read about a break-up in People. [third item]
· Clooney in a Fiat, Cattrall tea bagging, Hoffman making a mockery of The Graduate: The commercials that no one wants Americans to see. [via Fleshbot]
· Who needs CGI when you can stage a plane crash scene the old-fashioned way? Not Spielberg, that's who.
· The inevitable, fake Britney Spears MySpace profile.
· WBWSJPW? (What bra would Sara Jessica Parker wear?) [via Drunken Stepfather]

A spy catches motormouth auteur Quentin Tarantino kicking some cross-country-style game at LAX:

At last, photographic evidence that Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan survived Sunday's assault at the Beverly Hills T-Mobile store. Not pictured: The broken bodies of the paparazzi crushed by Hilton's Bentley as the two starlets escaped, the "ugly" Hilary Swank waiting to tear out Hilton's weave in revenge for publicly disrespecting her.

The media may be lauding Kevin Bacon as a hero for his very, very brave [career suicide! why must he always take the dark roles?! tearing of hair and clothes, etc etc] decision to play a child molester in The Woodsman, but the set of a pedophile flick is still a total drag:

Before you snarf your office party egg nog all over the front of your red shirt in shock that Britney Spears' holiday card to her fans is [Ed .note—We can't believe we're going to say this.] classy, know this: Below the frame of the picture, the couple is naked from the waist down, standing barefoot in a filthy public restroom, and buried up to their knees in Cheetos. You can only see it if you peel off the green "Happy Holidays" sticker.

· Joel Stein's column this week is about Martha Stewart, or Susan Lyne, or about how Martha Stewart fired him... OK, we're not exactly sure what it's about, but shit, is there anyone who hasn't fired this guy? [reg. req'd.]
· "After the Ovitz Trial: Ushering in a New Era of Humility in Hollywood": Somehow, Michael Eisner driving his own rental car to the airport is a sign of a "new era of humility" in Hollywood. [reg. req'd.]
· From Bardot to Macpherson to Lohan...it's all very clear now, thanks to Gawker.
· C-list celebrity autographs make the perfect stocking stuffer.