When Armageddon comes and the Antichrist reveals himself — most likely as a cigarette-smoking, cocaine-sniffing, secret Muslim world leader — the only things of value in our Mad Max-like world will be guns, silver and gold.

Today we heard that Bill Keller is stepping down as New York Times managing editor. "Wha?? Why??" we all wondered. (To write more Twitter essays, naturally.) One commenter offered their own scintillating theory.

When Rep. Anthony Weiner said he was done talking about Weinergate (for maybe the third time?), he really meant it: His office called the cops on Marcia Kramer, a reporter for New York's CBS 2, after she asked for an interview about the dick picture.

Online data miner and private investigator Joseph Culligan has noticed something curious: Bill O'Reilly's wife Maureen McPhilmy purchased a new house about a year ago, just down the street from the Long Island home she's shared with Bill-o since 2002. O'Reilly still owns the old one. And Fox News isn't saying whether they still live together.

China and North Korea are the happiest nations on Earth, while people in the United States are utterly miserable, according to a completely objective survey by North Korean researchers. Groundbreaking.

Weinergate is the biggest mystery to hit the internet since Sarah Palin's pregnancy. Is it really him? Was it a hacker? a Jealous lover? Thousands of cyberdetectives are on the case! And they (almost) all suck.

In your emotional Thursday media column: Bill Keller vents, the NYT newsroom tweets, worldwide journalist peril quantified, Ed Schultz is coming back, and rumors of more Time Out troubles.

It's all a forgery, Mark Zuckerberg says. The contract where he signs over Facebook ownership; the emails where he tries to swindle his business partner — all fakes from a known liar. Once a liar always a liar, right, Mark?

Spittling conspiracy theorist potato Glenn Beck will perform his last Fox News gonzo rainmaker act on Thursday, June 30th. Well, that's at least the supposed end date for his current show.

VS Naipaul is a winner of the Nobel Prize for literature, and is considered one of the greatest British writers of his generation. So he must be a smart guy, right? Sure, sure.

Yesterday afternoon, Arizona's first weGrow franchise — a "superstore-sized garden center" that sells everything you need to grow weed — opened for business in Phoenix. And it sounds great. Besides being a one-stop shop for all of your growing needs, there are doctors on hand to help diagnose those "back spasms" you're dealing with:

The Beverly Hills house that Ellen DeGeneris and Portia De Rossi's love built is now on the market: Bought in 2007 for $29 million, it now encompasses three neighboring properties, purchased because they had "visual access" to the main residence. Total asking price for the whole shebang (poor choice of words): $60 million. [Real Estalker, photo of Ellen and Portia via Getty]

Twitter announced today it will natively host pictures within tweets, making it "easier than ever" to upload snapshots. Which is odd, given that the entire country spent this week discussing how it's way too easy to upload snapshots to Twitter.

The one-time movie maven is now shifting her priorities a little bit, considering smaller projects. Also today: Taylor Lautner's dad is becoming a problem, Susan Sarandon wants you to be her teacher's pet, and an inevitable Hunger Games update.

Even on a street known as "Billionaire's Row" in a wealthy San Francisco neighborhood, Larry Ellison manages to stand out. The Oracle CEO just ended a fight with his neighbors by dropping $40 million to buy the house next door. (UPDATED)

Have you seen the list of hurricane names that the National Hurricane Center is using this summer? They're pretty bad and not at all relevant to trends in baby naming or popular culture in general. What sort of names should we use instead?

NBC's new convoluted singing battle The Voice has been picked for the coveted post-Super Bowl time slot when the Peacock network airs the big game next year. The episode will feature "blind auditions" to kick off the show's second season, a process the network thinks will have mass appeal. We're not sure if this is the right fit. After all, remember what happened last time someone tried to combine Christina Aguilera and the Super Bowl?

If New York City seemed especially smart last night, it's because Sarah Palin and Donald Trump dined together over a slice of Famiglia pizza in Times Square.

Facebook is reportedly close to adding its 700 millionth user, indicating that the social network is on track to cross the billion person mark sometime in 2012. Good luck catching up, Google.

Mayoral progeny, ex-boyfriend underminer, and professional equestrian Georgina Bloomberg has written a novel that draws "heavily from her own experiences" and will contain "tell-all references" about the daughter of a "blunt-talking Wall Street billionaire who lives in a Manhattan townhouse and 'owns half of New York.'"