Heidi Montag wants to be impregnated. Bethenny Frankel wants new friends. And Martha's Vineyard wants to see Chelsea Clinton wear white. Good morning! It's Monday's Gossip Roundup!

Because everything Roger Federer does deserves press, the NY Times has run an astonishingly long piece on his super-stylish RF monogram. Where did it come from? What does it mean?! It means he's into himself. And you should be, too!

Like the Costa Rican president before him, Colombian president Alvaro Uribe has the fearsome swine flu. He came down with the symptoms during a meeting with regional leaders. Ha! And they're worried about the American military? [WaPo]

Ted Kennedy's funeral is underway, and so is the full court press barrage of media. Obama's delivering his remarks now. What do attendees, Twitter, Free Republic, and others have to say?

Adam "DJ AM" Goldstein, the nightclub disk jockey who not one year ago narrowly escaped death in a jet crash, was found dead in his New York apartment. He was 36.

Say what you will about Google's propensity for funneling money to a tight, back-scratching coterie of friends; but co-founder Sergey Brin does right by his mother-in-law, which is more than many husbands can say. Witness his new half-million-dollar donation.

The Way We Live Now: With politics superseded by reality. Ideology's fine when everyone has jobs and homes and enough cash for Crispy Chik'n Wraps, but those days are gone. Tear down the border fence! And sell it for scrap!

Financial con man Allen "Mini-Madoff" Stanford slit his own wrists to become "blood brothers" with an Antiguan banking regulator. Stanford's crooked chief financial officer is now doing farm work like some Peace Corps kid, for PR purposes. Everybody is bizarre!

It turns out the banks our government helped save are now bigger, stronger and more greedy than ever. And that means we're all doomed to live under an oligarchy. Russia, here we come!

In the wake of Ted Kennedy's death, many people are assuming the age of Camelot has come to an end. These people have obviously forgotten the family's fecundity, for there are plenty of Kennedy's to take the helm.

If there's one good thing about town halls, it's that we get a glimpse of our fellow Americans' true colors. But is that really what happened when Rep. Lynn Jenkins insisted Republicans can find a "great white hope"?

[Parties throw chunks of over-ripe tomates during the La Tomatina festival in Bunol, Spain, today. Image via Getty]

Dominick Dunne, chronicler of crime, celebrity, and the intersection of the two, has died at 83. Dunne had been suffering from bladder cancer.

Mark Penn, the strategist who dashed Hillary Clinton's presidential hopes, is the Wall Street Journal's "Microtrend"-spotting columnist. He's also CEO of PR giant Burson-Marsteller. Only a scumbag would abuse the former to drum up business for the latter.

Anna Wintour wants to stay out of the limelight, Lily Allen's friends talk trash, and Mel Gibson's girlfriend's unborn child is totally making her fat. All that and more in your Wednesday morning Gossip Roundup!

Ted Kennedy survived years in Washington, but, sadly, he couldn't survive brain cancer. The long-serving Senator succumbed to the disease this evening, thus ending an illustrious, at times scandalous and always headline-grabbing life.

OMG! Did you know President Obama and his family went to Martha's Vineyard for vacation? Of course you did. Everyone's out of their minds over the whole thing, especially the island's residents, whose collective welcome wagon borders on fanatical.

We knew Chris Brown wouldn't go to jail for beating Rihanna, so we can't say we're surprised a judge sentenced him to 1400 hours of community service this afternoon. But it's worth noting that the infamous incident wasn't isolated.

Michael Jackson's death has obviously helped thrust his record sales, memorabilia and hangers-on into the celebrity stratosphere. No group, however, benefited more than his family, who are all of a sudden relatively relevant again. The ultimate sign: a reality show...

Arnold Schwarzenegger has us direly concerned about the future of California. Set aside the Republican's policies, and turn your attention to the growing cache of weaponry he keeps right there in the governor's office.