Newly-released billionaire massage aficionado and Ron Burkle pal Jeffrey Epstein is officially a registered sex offender in Florida. His brand new "Sexual Offender/ Predator Flyer" also includes a map to his house! Smirk less, Jeffrey. [Cityfile]

Billionaire convicted sex offender Jeffery Epstein is now a free man. He did his 12 months for hiring underage prostitutes, and left jail this morning. So who visited Epstein in jail? His alleged "sex slave," an "extreme fighter," and more!

Billionaire teen-girl-massage aficionado Jeffrey Epstein is soon to be a free man! As dawn breaks on Wednesday, the gates of the Palm Beach County correctional facility shall fling ajar and Epstein, lust-crazed from 12 months confinement, will flee.

The Way We Live Now: Disneyfied! You can buy into Disney's simulacrum of an American community right now—cheap! It's the only place left without wild dogs roaming the trash-filled deserted main streets.

Gawker: Live, From Vegas! continues unabated through the night (so stick around!). Next on deck, another special guest for this hot, inaugural summer weekend: music writer extraordinaire and Idolator editor Maura Johnston. Maura, kick out the jams, please:

Charlie Crist is going to be your next closeted gay Republican Senator from Florida! Thanks to the liberal media! Adam Lambert should probably look into politics.

The Way We Live Now: Like Poors. Have you enjoyed being a member of the Middle Class—nay, Upper Middle Class? We sincerely hope so, because you are now evicted. Time to move to Florida.

What is the best proof yet that Rush Limbaugh is the true voice of the modern, hilariously out-of-touch conservative movement? His tacky $44 million Palm Beach compound!

Something that is very enjoyable for me is watching how different YouTube users choreograph to one particular song. This week I looked up that song Low by Flo-Rida

Party priest and American hero Gregory Malia was defrocked for being too cool for church, but his partying don't stop yall! He's made his way to Palm Beach, where champagne supplies are in danger:

Judi Giuliani is turning 54 today. We're guessing a very expensive gift will be headed her way later today courtesy of the former mayor. Also celebrating: 60 Minutes correspondent Lesley Stahl is 67. Benjamin Bratt is turning 45. TV writer/producer Steven Bochco is 65. Record producer Scott Storch is 35. And Michael Lohan Jr., the brother of Lindsay and son of Michael and Dina, is turning 21.

"Good" news: a massive real estate developer and a sugar magnate may buy the Miami Herald. Hey, then let's sell the Washington Post to the CIA! This is a CHILLING VISION of newspapers' future.

Time for an up-to-date roundup on the nifty story of Bernie Madoff, the Wall Street titan accused yesterday of running a $50 billion Ponzi scheme. Bathrobes! Big shots! And plenty of broke Jews, below!

Activist judges overturned Florida's 31-year-old law against gay adoption! Fun fact: "Mississippi bans gay couples, but not single gays, from adopting." [AP/Google]

Let's check in on ballot initiatives! Florida's shitty marriage amendment will probably pass. We can't find any other news about any of the rest of them. But we will! Check back in! Update: Colorado's "Definition of Person Initiative," which would've banned abortion and also forms of birth control, has failed. As has South Dakota's abortion ban, which was just play at a Supreme Court case anyway. Massachusetts residents can possess an ounce of weed! Arkansas' "unmarried couples adoption ban" thing looks like it might pass. Medical marijuana passed in Michigan!

The LA Times would like you to meet the undecided voters. There are a lot of mean rumors about these undecided voters, like about they're stupid and ill-informed and dear god what world do you live in where you can't figure out if you want a hawkish old Republican or a moderate young Democrat in charge. But let's hear from an undecided voter in her own words: "I have cats, but I love dogs, and I've been thinking about it like five years already if I should adopt a dog." Ha, she lives in Florida, too!

Don't be a sucker. Those complicated, long-winded explanations of the worldwide financial crisis are just a lot of big city hokum. Fortunately, your good buddies Mike Huckabee and Chuck Norris are here to set the record straight: It's a dark, shadowy conspiracy between the fat cats on Wall Street, the elitists in Washington, and the nefarious Red Chinese who are secretly stealing our oil off the Florida coast! Huffpo's Rachel Sklar learned the awful truth from Huckabee's new talk show on Fox last night. Huckabee's got a "friend" who tells him this whole mess is the result of "financial terrorism": "Just today, a friend of mine in the financial markets indicated that he's been doing a careful analysis of the last 12 days, and there seems to be a manipulation of the marketplace - at the last half-hour of each day, there is an extraordinary rush of computerized trading going on. He believes that there may, in fact, be evidence of economic terrorism that is fueling a lot of what's going on. Now it's a fascinating idea, that if somebody could break down the world economy, it would have a greater impact that any bomb ever set off. It seems to be there is plausible argument for it." But, Norris sagely points out, don't forget the Chinese! "Oh yeah, I think - oh definitely, Mike. The thing is, China has one and a half trillion dollars* of our debt. Now, what did we give China for collateral for that one and a half trillion dollars? So the thing is, you know, with our government - what did - what secret deal did they get, give China, said, 'Well, you know, ah, we won't tell the people but you can drill 50 miles off the Florida shore, and do a slant drilling into our oil in Florida,' you know - so a lot of things are going on underhandedly that we the people don't know, and that's why it's so important, Mike, that we the people get the power back. We need a voter revolution in our country." (audience applause) Also? When Congress took off for the Jewish Holidays, they were really Christmas shopping, and Barack Obama is big on infanticide. Read it here.

"The Marianna Middle School teacher, Greg Howard, is now serving a 10-day suspension after writing an acronym on the dry-erase board on Sept. 26: 'C.H.A.N.G.E. - Come Help A N*gg*r Get Elected.'" Whoa, 10 days? [BET]

So are the Democrats going to have Florida stolen from them again? Not if everyone's favorite Jewey homegirl Sarah Silverman has anything to say about it (Okay, actually, a lot of people can't stand her anymore, but I still like her a lot). Sarah is stumping for Obama by urging folks to use emotional coercion against their aged relatives in Florida in order to get them to vote for the Illinois Senator. Silverman points out that rather than fearing black males, elderly Jews should realize that they have much in common with them. And if they still won't vote for Barack, well, she guesses they won't get any visits from the grandkids anytime soon. And, yeah, I know it's a couple days old, but it deserves a post. Clip after the jump.

We think the conventional wisdom, now, is that Sarah Palin is a cynical appeal not to Hillary voters but to the Republican "base," which means religious white people. It's a last-ditch effort to win just one more with George W. Bush's coalition, not to bring in those moderates John McCain supposedly appeals to most. But here's the risk: the old, conservative Jewish vote McCain's had in the bag since day one? They might not like this lady so much. As you can see in this clip (attached below), even Ben Stein—the Nixon speechwriter so happy to pretend to be something other than an educated East Coast elitist that he'll hop in bed with creationists—is insulted and shocked by the Palin pick. This is just the beginning. The New York Sun, that probably doomed organ of intellectual Zionist conservatism, seemingly also can't quite believe this selection. Allow them to tell you about Sarah Palin's grand plans for The Jews!