In our attempt to defame each of America's fifty states (we've already insulted New Jersey and Michigan), we turn today to Florida, where incredibly dumb things frequently happen. Like dogs running over humans and babies getting caught smoking weed.

Say you run a mediocre baseball team that no one cares about and plays in a turquoise football stadium. How do you get your franchise in the spotlight? You find a lame schtick. Like handing out free vuvuzelas to fans.

Weird Florida billionaire and Democratic Senate candidate Jeff Greene has released what appears to be one of the more focus-grouped campaign ads in recent memory: this mess, which says the word "jobs" over and over for a fierce half-minute.

Florida's newly independent Senate candidate, Gov. Charlie Crist, feels so liberated from Republicanism nowadays! Today he vetoed a bill requiring "women seeking an abortion to get an ultrasound, and to listen to a doctor give a description of the fetus."

When the oil spill hit, Florida ran ads assuring tourists that "Our Coast Is Clear." The ad's now been amended: There are "plenty of places" in Florida not soaking in toxic oil. Your chances are still good! [Adfreak]

Florida's panhandle is the latest victim of BP's oil spill.

The floating oil in the Gulf of Mexico is now about seven miles from the beaches of Pensacola, Florida. Officials say it's "inevitable" the oil will hit the Florida panhandle beaches soon. Across the state, unity was the day's theme.

David Byrne, former frontman of the Talking Heads, is suing Florida Governor and Senate candidate Charlie Crist for using the band's song "Road to Nowhere" in campaign ads. Who knew Charlie Crist had good taste? Plus: Talking Heads jokes!

Remember the "loop current" that threatened to pull the oil spill over to Florida and up the East Coast? It might be working. Park Rangers at Fort Zachary Taylor State Park found 20 tarballs on the beach yesterday. [PBP, Getty]

In troubled times politicians look to their base for support. So naturally the Republican Party chose God's waiting room as the site of its 2012 convention to nominate a presidential candidate. Arizona was in the running, but was passed over.

Citing "false media reports" claiming he vacationed with male prostitutes, Rekers yesterday resigned from the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality so he can focus on clearing his name. The group advised him to "get a good lawyer."

The first-ever public python hunting season wrapped up in Florida last month: Dozens of Floridians tooled around the state in their pick-ups, looking for oversized pet snakes which have escaped into the Everglades. Python hunting is our new national pastime.

You can still put on some Barry White, lower the lights and make love to your favorite goat in Florida — their bickering legislature has failed to pass a measure outlawing bestiality.

First the Florida governor's GOP friends ditched him for a Tea Party candidate. Then 20 of them sent Crist a letter saying that they're no longer friends, and they want their campaign donations back: "Those days are over." Harsh. [AP]

Republican Dan Fanelli, who's running to depose a Democrat in Florida's 8th district, has created a new ad comparing an old white man to a hulking brown person. Which one looks more like a terrorist? It's a no-brainer!

"No one will argue that sitting on the Senate floor during session can get a little boring, but looking at porn is probably not the best way to pass the time." Florida state senator Mike Bennett (R-Bradenton) disagrees!

Available on Ebay: "PICS of FL GOV CHARLIE CRIST snorting lines of COCAINE!" Somewhere "between 2 and 6 readily identifiable pictures" of ol' independent Charlie doing blow in the 80s. Starting bid $600,000. [And a nice Charlie Crist painting!]

Florida governor Charlie Crist just announced that he's leaving the Republican party to become an independent candidate, making the Florida Senate race more chaotic than Daytona Beach during Spring Break.

Eleven year old Nadia Bloom spent four days lost in a thick, alligator infested Florida swamp before being rescued. This morning she told Robin Roberts about how she survived, and how her friends welcomed her back to school.

Thousands of white people descended upon Washington, DC today to protest Kenyan socialism, or something, and where was President Obama? Oh, you know, in Florida, just cold chillin' with Gloria Estefan and talking shit about the Tea Party.