Since Congress is preparing to head into its August recess just as soon as this debt ceiling deal wraps up, how are we, the political news consumers, going to get our kicks for the next month? Hmm. Eh, what the hell, let's start talking about the "Ground Zero" "Mosque" again.
Well, OK, it's actually Charlie Sheen's "character" on Two and a Half Men who will be having a televised funeral this fall.
Last night I was having dinner with a fetish gear designer and totally forgot to watch Logo's skank tank of a reality show The A List. Luckily I was at Hell's Kitchen's newest Mexican hotspot, Acapulco Disco, and overheard Manhattan's most annoying homosexuals, Dustin and Jayden, talking about all the action. Here's what they had to say.
Much like Justin Bieber fans, America's enemies use social media to communicate, spread rumors and coordinate. It's one of the few bad things about the internet. Now, the Pentagon is seeking "meme trackers" to figure out what's the hottest new thing in the American Enemy Blogosphere.
Ronson fails a breathalyzer before breakfast. Lindsay parties all night with Paris. Vanessa Minnillo calls Jessica Simpson an "elephant." J.Lo's gives her first post-divorce interview, then gets naked. Tuesday gossip starts early or ends late, depending.
This cutesy actress' new boyfriend is into some crazy religious stuff, like witchcraft. This singer recently took on a lesbian lover. Today the blind items sound like a bad episode of True Blood.
The Daily Mail has a story today that will change your perception of the stuffy old Tower of London forever. Major General Keith Cima, who was fired as governor of the Tower in December, is blowing the lid off a sophicticated ring of Beefeaters who grow weed and rent Tower rooms out to "young female tourists." They also incessantly harassed the first ever female Beefeater, Moira Cameron. In a statement to the London Central Employment Tribunal, Cima had this to say about the place while he was in charge:
Saudi Prince Alwaleed bin Talal just couldn't stand being the 26th richest man in the world while Dubai had the world's tallest penis tower, the Burj Khalifa, which was renamed after a measly president, Khalifa bin Zayed Al Nahyan of the UAE. So, in honor of his manhood, the prince is building a bigger tower.
A full week after their incredibly heroic efforts made the pages of Finland's largest daily newspaper, their story has bobbed its way across the Atlantic and onto our shores. It concerns Hege Dalen and Toril Hansen, a lesbian couple from Norway who were sharing a quiet dinner near the doomed island of Utoya when they began to "hear gunfire and screaming" coming from the island: Anders Behring Breivik's shooting rampage had begun.
Last November, Michigan computer teacher Paul Gust (pictured), 45, powered up his school-issued MacBook to show another staff member a presentation he was preparing for the school board. That's when "a nude female's pubic region with her legs spread apart" appeared on the monitor. Oopsies! How did that get in there?
Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin is displeased with you, America. At a youth rally (where he arm-wrestled young fans and attacked a climbing wall), he told the crowd:
We know you've been distracted by the debt-ceiling "crisis" and the borderline personalities that enabled it—but let's not forget our state legislators, who are far dumber, and generally drunker, than our congressional representatives could ever hope to be!
If you see a woman with a beard drawn on her face, arrest her! Immediately! She may have just robbed two banks in Alabama. And ignore her bomb threat, too.
Rep. Gabrielle Giffords returned to the House of Representatives on Monday, receiving a standing ovation and enthusiastically greeting her colleagues after casting her vote (her first since being shot in January) for the debt ceiling bill, which passed 269-161.
In the beginning, humans had to physically rouse themselves from their couches to change the channel on the TV. Then, there were remotes. Now, our laziness has evolved to the point where we just stare at our phones.
It seems that NBC has realized that Maya Rudolph is funny and would like to see more of her. Also today: John McClane rides again, as does Lucy Liu, and Darren Criss is going to set Broadway aflame.
New math! Fancier chips! Higgs Boson! Humongous fungus! Acid bases! Sea monster! Asteroid pictures! Fecal bleed! And everyone's best friend is dropping in for the summer! It's your Monday Science Watch, where we watch science—not that you would understand!
