While insiders make a lot of noise about how the super-exclusive Oscar pre-parties have replaced Vanity Fair's understated, post-awards affair at Mortons in the black hearts of fickle A-listers, the elite would punch their assistants in the throat if an invite to Graydon Carter's Hollywood reacharound failed to arrive. So how much does VF drop on its annual industry orgy? BizBash reports:
Late yesterday afternoon, the marketing department at Sony decided that the time had finally come to induce the painful, 14-month buzz erection in the fanboy population that must precede the opening of the next installment of The Greatest Superhero Franchise Of Them All, Spider-Man 3. Superherohype.com has been anointed to kick off the priapic odyssey by displaying the first teaser pic, which will be obsessed over as if it were carved into a stone tablet and flown down from heaven by Moses riding on Superman's shoulders. [Ed.note—You mixed DC and Marvel universes in that last sentence, are you crazy? You'll be dead by the end of this post!] The questions begin: Why does Spidey look so sad? Where's his umbrella? Oooh, has Fat Tobey been working out again, or is that black costume just really slimming?
· Like her famous adoptive dad Brad Pitt, little Zahara Jolie-Pitt has a hard time turning her thoughts into recognizable words. But when he took her to the Eiffel Tower, the clever toddler still managed to communicate to her father that she recognized the place where Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes pretended to get engaged.
· Worker #3116 has 12 reasons why he'd be a better Bond than the naked guy.
· We'd forgotten that Matt Damon essentially dumped Minnie Driver on Oprah's show, but ABC News reminds us about some particularly soul-crushing celebrity break-ups.
· Britney Spears' bad taste in gurus is surpassed only by her unfortunate choice in baby daddies.
· Finally, some proof that at least two people have seen Firewall.
An operative notes some curious activity going on right now at Les Moonves's television fortress:
· Best Week Ever s Doug Benson subjects his comedy pals to the Benson Interruption, in which he busts in on their sets whenever the urge strikes him, at the UCB Theatre. Tonight's victim is Sarah Silverman, who risks having the delicate sounds of her infamous vagina/anus/mouth three-part harmony bruised by the host's tomfoolery.
· Writers Bloc brings comedy legend Carl Reiner (whom the event blurb generously describes as one of the "most brilliant guys on the planet") to to the Skirball Center, where he and former Seinfeld writer Peter Mehlman will jointly plug Reiner's new novel, NNNN.
· Thursday night music selections: The Derek Trucks Band at the Roxy; Nico Vega at the Troubadour; and Post Stardom Depression, the winner of tonight's best band name contest, at Alex s Bar in Long Beach.
While some would be content to relegate Britney Spears to the dustbin of forgotten pop-tart history, as you can plainly see from these images made available by blogger mykeywood, Spears has managed to pull herself together nicely for her guest star turn as a Christian TV personality on an upcoming Will & Grace. (1) Britney makes sure her very real wedding ring is visible in every take in order to offset tabloid rumors. (2) The costume department comes to the rescue of a forgetful Spears with a cleverly fashioned scarf upon which all of her dialogue was printed, somewhat annoying co-stars Sean Hayes and Eric McCormack. (3) Between takes, Britney had the exhausted studio audience on their feet with her sexed-up version of "I'm a Little Teapot." (4) Sadly, an increasingly diva-like Debra Messing refused to share even a minute of screen time with her sexy blonde co-star, so cutting-edge blue screen technology was employed, allowing Grace to be added in post.
Capote screenwriter Dan Futterman obviously took very detailed notes at the Humbled By Success Soundbite Seminar at last week's Oscar luncheon. In an interview with the AP, he candidly explains how he made the impressive transition from actor to award-nominated scribe on his very first screenplay: by writing a bunch of disconnected stuff, then getting his wife to bail him out:
We were so moved by the recent stories that former James Bonds Pierce Brosnan and Roger Moore leapt to the defense of embattled 007 successor Daniel Craig that we decided to call upon his famously tuxedoed cinematic ancestors to rescue their pilloried compatriot once again. The WOW Report has some revealing shots from Craig's tomato-slathered full-frontal work in Some Voices, a moment of weakness the actor swears was alcohol-induced. We assumed that the pistol-packing trio would understand the things a hard-drinking superspy might do after a couple of stiff martinis on an empty stomach and wouldn't mind standing sentinel over Craig's naughty bits. But should curiosity get the best of you, clicking the above image will quickly decommission Blonde Bond's security detail.
Twelve short years ago on this very day, Hollywood history was changed forever by the birth of Hannah Dakota Fanning, the pint-sized actress who in just over a decade of life has already left an indelible imprint on the craft of acting. Let's all share a warm smile while we reflect upon the child star's staggering list of accomplishments (Can play the violin! Knits scarves! Career survived co-starring with Tom Cruise!), knowing that somewhere Fanning's celebrating her special day by sitting in front of her birthday cake, patiently waiting for her mother to extinguish the candles with her face as a display of loyalty to her breadwinning daughter.
· Jessica Biel will star with Nic Cage and Julianne Moore in Next, a sci-fi flick directed by Lee Tamahori, the gender-bendingest director this side of Larry Wachowski. Please refrain from even considering the awkwardness sure to plague the women's wardrobe trailer on that set, as you are much better than that. [Variety]
Mark Wahlberg will star in Paramount's Shooter as a marksman "living in self-exile in the Arkansas wilderness after causing the death of an innocent person — who is persuaded by his former associates that they need his help to prevent an assassination and who is subsequently double-crossed and framed for the presidential assassination he was trying to prevent." If the movie's source material weren't a novel written in 1993, we'd point out the striking similarities to this season's 24 plot. [THR]
Warner Bros. is ready to once again pimp out its tights-wearing duo of high-earning superwhores, solidifying plans for sequels to for Batman Begins and Superman Returns; directors Christopher Nolan and Bryan Singer are expected to return to shoot their respective superheroes. [Variety]
· NBC executives once again wake up to news that American Idol absolutely trounced the Olympics in the ratings. Just sleep in, guys, the pain will still be there when you get up. [THR]
Shockingly, Paramount's procession of late 2005 bombs (Elizabethtown, Aeon Flux, Get Rich or Die Tryin') was not great for Viacom's bottom line. [Variety]
New 007 Daniel Craig has been having a time of it lately: His web-enabled critics are accusing him of being nothing more than a blonde Bond shell, and reports from the set have him losing teeth in fight sequences gone awry and incapable of driving his own Aston Martin. Leave it to his legacy, then, to come to his defense. The Scoop notes that the Bond Craig replaced, Pierce Brosnan, somewhat magnanimously explained to a UK reporter that injuries on a Bond shoot are common, saying, I got stitched up and sewn up a few times, it just didn t get in the papers. [...] There s going to be mishaps.
Who hasn't, at one time or another, regretted leaving an irate voicemail, firing off an angry e-mail, or issuing an open letter to the media viciously lambasting a longtime friend for ruining a golden reality show spin-off opportunity? Not Donald Trump, however, in whose universe cooler heads never prevail. The Donald follows up his blisteringly personal attack on Martha Stewart not with a reparative olive branch, but with an interview with Newsweek.com today that quickly turns into yet another ad hominem Martha attack, even more vitriolic than the first:
Even when your whole gig is being a hot chick, if the media starts assuming that you're going to show up naked to the opera, then you might have something of an image problem. Maybe it's time for Carmen Electra to hire a publicist, or if she's reluctant to make that kind of expenditure for a fading career, go with the cheaper option of hanging around with Pamela Anderson and boycotting buckets of fried chicken in the hope that some of her gravitas rubs off—there's still time to for an image correction before some reporter asks her, "So, Carmen, when you tour the White House today, are you planning on rimming the President?"
· Access Hollywood got its hands on Chris Penn's toxicology report, which they say indicates that the recently deceased actor had "Valium, morphine, marijuana, and an elevated level of codeine" in his body when he died. None of which, we imagine, can have been good for his enlarged heart.
Palm Pictures scores some points with a wink-wink "truth in advertising" campaign for the movie adaptation of literary hoax JT Leroy's The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things.
PopWatch takes a whimsical look at how to tell Olympic figure-skating darling Sasha Cohen from Ali G creator Sascha Baron Cohen. Hint: Look for the goatee and yellow jumpsuit.
Read all about how Star Jones ruined a blogger's life. She must pay.
· Chuck Norris c-and-d's the Busted Tees boys.
· And in the last entry of Defamer's "Vs." Day, we proudly present the intramural celebrity rag battle royale of InTouch Vs. Life &Style.
Viewers of last night's American Idol got their first good look at, and listen to, the 12 female finalists. Many contestants managed to score pretty high in one category, but not the other. In any case, in the name of gratuitous afternoon fun, we thought we'd throw up some Idol related cheesecake. On your left, behold Idol's most successful set of twins (or should we say quadruplets?) yet, Becky O'Donohue and her ever-present, identical-but-not-quite-as-hot one-person cheering squad, sister Jessie. The photo spread, taken two years ago for Maxim Online, and newly republished due to their Idol notoriety, features both sisters in a variety of slutty baseball gear: It's a Defamer Softcore Smut Pick of the Month !
Not at all coincidentally, if you call CAA and ask to speak with Willis's agent, the same message urging patience while they "take Bruce to the next level" plays while you hold.
