We at Defamer realize that even if one of our "Connections" or "Employment" features results in either a love match or job for one of our readers, no relationship (whether personal or professional) can last forever. Last summer, we spotlighted the Craigslist plea of the bicoastal TV executive whose personal assistant requirements included the willingness to give rubdowns and escort him to various job-related events. It seems that he's already lost one special helper to either carpal tunnel syndrome, a sudden swelling of self-esteem, or a better-paying job within the sex trade entertainment industry, because he's back with virtually the same pitch:

The wax figure of Lindsay Lohan installed today at Madame Tussaud's New York location is so incredibly lifelike that a young Lohan fan was reduced to tears when her idol refused to acknowledge her repeated requests for a bump. The child's tears were turned to shrieks of joy, however, when the real Lohan suddenly appeared to usher the child into the exhibit's replica bathroom stall and honor the little girl's wish.

A high-level Defamer operative files this brief report on last night's test screening for Tom Cruise's latest excuse to go on a press tour and entertain the world with his thoughts on love and psychiatry, Mission: Impossible 3 [MILD SPOILER ALERT]:

A tight-lipped Teri Hatcher appears to be suffering from a case of buyer's remorse since her face-sucking demo with American Idol boy-masseur/waste of 21 million E! dollars Ryan Seacrest. We just wish Hatcher would follow her heart, naysayers be damned: As far as we're concerned, the fact that he used to be an Oprah Winfrey Show-addicted nacho glutton only makes him cuter.

· Variety quotes an internal McDonald's memo about the company's preparations for a publicity war against Fox Searchlight's forthcoming Fast Food Nation: "'A lot of work is going on behind the scenes... from a crisis management standpoint,' the memo said. Though no specifics were spelled out, McDonald's is planning a 'campaign to tell the real story,' including mobilizing a 'truth squad' and possibly attempting to 'discredit the message and the messenger.'" Should early attempts at counterspin fail, the "truth squad" will be dispatched to execute Super Size Me's Morgan Spurlock as a warning to future Big Mac suppressives. [Variety]
· Woody Allen hires longtime Allen impersonator David Krumholtz to star opposite Michelle Williams in his new Paris-set movie. [THR]
· Will Smith is attached to star in Greenbacks, a "Morocco-set action thriller revolves around an American ex-pat who stumbles across a plot to destabilize the world's economy by mass-producing perfect counterfeit greenbacks." We're going to assume that the omission of "charming" from the character description was merely an oversight. [Variety]
· Veteran TV directors watched helplessly as a record number of feature directors snapped up their pilot gigs. [THR]
· Queen Latifah signs up for Welfare Queen, a "fact-based story of a woman who scammed the welfare system out of a fortune." We're going to assume that the omission of "large and sassy" from the character description was merely an oversight. [Variety]

Perhaps caught up in the excitement from yesterday's Baby Spears High Chair Incident, the web-enabled stalkerazzi at TMZ.com brainstormed other celebrity-offspring-in-potential-danger scenarios, and having rejected items on Moses Paltrow's possible ingestion of day-old bangers and mash and Violet Affleck's theoretical exposure to the radioactive fallout from her father's career, decided to go with a story on what disaster might befall Angelina Jolie's unborn baby in Africa:

We recently noted the Massachusetts Department of Corrections disciplining of an officer who screened Brokeback Mountain for inmates, a prison movie night no-no because of its graphic sexual content. So what films did make the extremely selective cut? According to the Boston Herald, such pacifistic entertainments as Get Rich or Die Tryin', which you may recall was blamed for a movie theater shooting death, and the mob mercenary/marital-rape-on-a-staircase thriller, A History of Violence:

Good news, everybody! A study by the Los Angeles Economic Development Corp. reveals that the entertainment business is Good For California, providing jobs, drawing tourists desperate for a taste of Hollywood Movie Magic™, and generally causing money to fall from the sky and into the pockets of its residents and local industry. Reports THR:

Sometimes we look around, think about where we were a year ago, and know that we've made absolutely no progress. No, we're not suddenly introspective about our miserable, shallow lives, we're just floored about how Tom Cruise has so effectively sequelized last year's publicity-attracting shenanigans. Think about what's happening in Cruise II: Still Crazy After All These Years: Cruise is out promoting a blockbuster, clowning around with Germans, jumping on couches, publicly and uncomfortably making out with Katie Holmes, and as you'll see in this morning round-up of Cruise-related nonsense, still yammering about his Scientological detoxing abilities:

· Maggie Gyllenhaal keeps her publicist busy, announcing that Peter Sarsgaard has given her both an engagment ring and a good knocking-up.
· Some serious props are due Ashton Kutcher (did we really just write that?), because pretending to blow up Brett Ratner's house is the second best thing to actually blowing up Brett Ratner's house.
· We can never really get our fill of Paula Abdul's flailing limbs and slurred diction, so enjoy a collection of her drunkest-seeming moments and last night's typically addled appearance on Leno.
· George Rush of Rush & Molloy fame shares a couple of his most heartwarming bribery stories with the LA Weekly's Nikki Finke.
· Marshmallow Peeps are not only delicious, they make fine lingerie as well. [via BoingBoing]

We nearly fell off our high chairs and fractured our skulls when we first read the lede to this Reuters story, which was clearly written to trick readers into thinking Andy Dick was getting his own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame:

With a concerned Nick Lachey watching from afar as his treasured source of lifelong alimony payments is thrown into peril, the $100 million Jessica Simpson jeans lawsuit shows no sign of going away. A Defamer operative brave enough to go deep undercover as a manicure customer sends us this second-hand reconnaissance of a suspicious Simpson ass-photography session:

A reader follows up on this morning's news that a bad test audience response led Universal to reshoot the ending of The Break-Up to include a more Aniston-positive message:

· Instead of listening to the American Idols cover Queen, you could be listening to: Lisa Germano at Spaceland; Jamie Lidell at the Troubadour; The Weird Al Hollywood Star Benefit at the Mint, where "a host of comedy bands pay tribute to Weird Al's tunes to help raise money to immortalize the singer on the Walk of Fame."
· Mary Lynn Rajskub, 24's resident computer geek, will take a night off from sullenly uploading classified data to Jack Bauer's PDA to do some stand-up at Comedy Death Ray at the UCB.
· And while we're speaking of national security, you have one more chance to see Colin Powell speak at the Dorothy Chandler Pavillion, provided you already bought tickets, have access to a scalper, or are familiar with trading favors on Craigslist.

Star magazine is reporting—in a Britney's Baby Skull Fracture Exclusive!—that the real reason for the Child and Family Services field trip to the Spears residence on Saturday had nothing to do with The Unsecured Drivers-Side Baby Incident, but was to follow-up on a child-abuse claim filed after the family visited to the hospital after the toddler tumbled from a high chair* and suffered a "scalp fracture." But the Sheriff's Department has already told TMZ.com that the investigation is closed, perhaps sparing us a wave of catch-up cover stories from the other glossies offering the opinions of Celebrity Baby Elevated Seating Experts opining on how such an accident could transpire in the Spears household.

In custody for being a "flight risk" since his conviction in January for tax evasion, America's favorite gay nudist/Machiavellian strategist Richard Hatch has been kept away from the rest of the prison population as he awaits his sentencing later this month:

The Insider reports that the Department of Children and Family Services finally showed up at Britney Spears' house in Malibu on Saturday afternoon to investigate the February incident in which Spears allegedly escaped her paparazzi tormentors by driving away with her newborn baby in her lap. (When we offered to name the child a year ago, we weren't just whistling Dixie.) But before you let yourselves become enchanted with an image of government functionaries in windbreakers kicking in the door, pressing a foot into the back of Kevin Federline's neck while pointing semiautomatic weapons in the direction of his cornrows, then hustling out of the house with young Sean Preston wrapped up in a blanket, US Weekly says that the visit was merely a "political" necessity, not an indication that Federline might soon be relieved of his biological unemployment insurance policy. The couple was informed ahead of time of the investigators' drop-in, allowing plenty of time to prepare a demonstration of the safety of their parental supervision that included duct-taping the baby to a high chair inside the house while leading their guests outside to showily torch the infamous vehicle that once endangered their offspring.

Defamer is committed to bringing together ambitious, morally flexible, struggling talent and the allegedly well-connected, anonymous Craigslist fetishists looking to help them along on their path to eventual stardom:

We're not entirely sure what draws such a highly disproportionate amount of twins, convicted felons, and combinations thereof to the American Idol party. Not even sweet-natured good ol' boy Bucky Covington is exempt: You may recall the husky-voiced country singer introducing America to an identical (and we mean down to every snaggletooth and unwieldly strand of blonde hair) twin brother named Rocky. Back in 1998, when an auto accident could have landed Rocky in jail for having a suspended license, the boys' father concocted a plan to bring in Bucky to dupe the authorites. The other party played along, until his own father found out what really happened and called the cops, landing both twins in front of a judge:

· Wedding Crashers director David Dobkin will direct the comic book adaptation R.I.P.D for Universal, which sounds to us like something of a cross between Ghostbusters and the 1988 Joe Piscopo cops-chasing-the-undead classic Dead Heat. [Variety]
· A radio host was fired for offering to pay his listeners $5,000 to kill Penn Jillette for making a joke about Mother Teresa. No one took him up on the "sarcastic" offer, so there is still no established market price for killing a member of Penn and Teller. [THR/AP]
· Maybe this is an obvious question, but shouldn't a guy who was nominated for a directing Oscar in the last two years be getting a better gig than doing a musical stage adaptation of a B-grade Steve Martin movie? [Variety]
· Barbie and Polly Pocket whore themselves out to Universal, who will distribute their DVDs. We knew Hollywood would get them eventually. [THR]
· NBC will dump various reality programs onto its scheduled this summer, including Simon Cowell's probably-different-enough-to American Idol-to-be-legal America's Got Talent and a new season of Last Comic Standing. [Variety]