· Kirstie Alley tells People, "Tom does everything 150 percent, and fatherhood he does 300 percent. They're going to have a great kid," removing even the faintest hope that the child might have any semblance of a normal existence.
· So what's Suri going to be up to in 2030? Pretty much what you'd expect, according to TVGasm's predictions.
· Inspired by the Cruise family's newest addition, Gallery of the Absurd does some typically fine work in the grotesque celebrity caricature space.
· Should Cruise find himself craving some placenta when his current stash runs out, a fresh supply isn't far away.
· Two from Gawker: A People reporter on the Miracle Baby beat, and perhaps the world's most unfortunately named catering company.
· OK, this one isn't Miracle Baby related at all: Fleshbot wants to get you all horny about the Carolyn Murphy sex tape. Mission accomplished.

MTV.com sat down with the stars of American Dreamz, the Paul Weitz comedy that fancifully depicts a world in which America is obsessed with a televised singing competition and has a moron for a President, and asked them just how much of the movie comes directly from its real-life counterpart:

The complacent American paparazzi, who are merely willing to induce high-speed collisions with luxury automobiles while on the trail of a hot subject, should be shamed by the efforts of their ditch-digging, beating-catching brethren currently working the Pitt-Jolie beat in Namibia. Reports TMZ.com:

· Music round-up: Josh Rouse at the Henry Fonda; Bubba Sparxxx (remember him?) at the Key Club; Shoot Out the Lights at the Silverlake Lounge.
· Hollywood's Master Storytellers screens Clash of the Titans at the Mann Chinese 6, then hosts animator Ray Harryhausen, Ray Bradbury, and Perseus himself (Harry Hamlin) for a post-movie discussion. Hell yeah. [via LAist]
· It's been about fifteen minutes since we've had a communal celebration of cinema; luckily, the Indian Film Festival at the ArcLight steps in before we can suffer withdrawal symptoms.

Exer-ball infomercial spokesperson Nick Lachey opened up to Rolling Stone about exactly what went down in his divorce from Jessica Simpson, putting to rest any lingering uncertainty regarding rumors that their marriage was a played-for-the-cameras sham, that her manager/father is a meddling creep, and that Simpson was sleeping around. Turns out, the rumors were mostly true:

From the MySpace event listing featuring the above invite:

We're far too weak to resist the Miracle Baby tie-in, so we'll just say that between the swarms of killer bees and the sudden return of the Black Death, conditions were certainly optimal for a seventh-seal-breaking birth.

Much like everything else regarding the arrival of the Miracle Baby, her name arrives swaddled in mystery. We can already recite by heart the "official" explanation as it appears in the People-exclusive scriptures: "Suri has its origins in Hebrew meaning 'princess,' or in Persian meaning 'red rose.'" But the Hebrew word for princess is "Sarah," not Suri. While we're still standing by our futuristic seafaring vessel name theory, here's a round-up of some of the others:

· Because no hit musical can go unadapted into an underwhelming big-screen adaption, Tom Hanks' Playtone has reached a deal to produce a movie version of the ABBA-infused hit Mamma Mia! [Variety]
· Emmy-winning TV director and producer Scott Brazil, executive producer on The Shield, died Monday from amyotrophic lateral sclerosis and Lyme disease at the age of 50. [THR]
· Because no heartwarming, disability-related true story of athletic triumph can go untranslated into a big-screen spectacle, Columbia will produce a movie about the heartwarming true story of autistic high school basketball player Jason McElwain. [Variety]
· Hey, guess what! Lots of people still like to watch American Idol and House. [THR]
· New Line buys the comedy pitch Me, Me, Me about "the world's most obnoxious narcissist, who wishes people could be more like him and then enters a living hell when his dream becomes a reality," i.e., he goes clubbing on Hollywood Boulevard. [Variety]

The new era of peace and happiness ushered in by the arrival of the Miracle Baby was far more short-lived than we'd hoped, as today's news that quirky, taut-faced superproducer Brian Grazer has filed for legal separation from wife Gigi once again reminds us that love in Hollywood is a tragically fleeting thing. In the interest of not bringing down this special day with the sadness and recriminations that so often afflict the dissolution of high-profile relationships, we choose instead to commemorate the beginning of their romance, courtesy of Grazer's self-authored bio:

The Scoop notes baby-durability-tester Britney Spears may sue the makers of the high chair that her 7-month-old son was sitting in moments before a failed escape attempt resulted in a non-serious infant skull fractures and subsequent visit from family services:

Any event as momentous as yesterday's Miracle Birth is sure to have its share of unanswered questions (for the moment, we're not talking about ones of parentage), and several readers found themselves instantly curious about a strange cameo in the AP story announcing the arrival of young Suri Cruise:

You love the convenience and discretion downloading porn over the internet affords you. But your eyes are coated in weeks worth of monitor glaze, while your hearty appetite for artfully shot gang-bangs is taxing your hard drive's capacity. Vivid Entertainment Group has the solution: The home of The Love Twins (believe it or not, picture SFW), is at the vanguard of the newest entertainment-disseminating technologies.

We were too drained by the rigors of childbirth to note this in the wake of the announcement of the Miracle Baby's arrival (the temporary deafness and disorientation resulting from the blast of celestial trumpets didn't help, either), but as many of you probably know by now, longtime Tom Cruise nemesis and dangerous street-drug addict Brooke Shields also gave birth to a daughter yesterday. And while Grier Hammond Henchy begins a lifetime as a foil for Suri "How do ya like them apples, Brooke?" Cruise, we imagine that the two won't meet until they seek each other out during their rebellious teenage years, download a copy of Endless Love to their PhonePods, and bond over their strange connection while smoking some dope. However, if this totally unsubstantiated bit of tinfoil-hattery we received in an e-mail last night is accurate, the two kids may already have crossed paths:

It's happened.

· More Create:Fixate fun: UCLA lecturer Osman Khan gives a seminar on New Media's Impact On Artistic Expression at the Spring Arts Tower.
· The "I Am 8-Bit" exhibit at Gallery 1988 celebrates the true caretakers of an entire generation, Ms. Pac-Man, Super Mario, and Frogger. [via LA Freebie]
· Music round-up: Hellcat Records Night (featuring Lucky Stiffs, Los Difuntos, and Existence is Corruption) at the Echo; Butch Walker at the Hotel Café; Deathray Davies at the Silverlake Lounge.

• Bruce Willis in a Japanese Energy Drink Ad [Japander/YouTube via Jossip]

You may recall reading about a certain unpleasantness between Aaron Spelling and his one-time nurse, Charlene Richards. She sued the decrepit TV hit-machine for sexual harrassment, but not before sending out over 600 questionnaires to former actresses from Spelling's series, asking if they had also been harrassed. He shot back with his own suit, claiming the questionnaires had both defamed him and violated a confidentiality agreement Richards had signed. A judge has partially ruled on the case, claiming the defamation count has no merit, but that the confidentiality breach does:

How does the longest-tenured anchor of a dinnertime entertainment roundup program know when it's time to step down from behind the translucent desk and pass the Teleprompter-reading torch to one of the twentysomething newsbot clones being groomed to fill her pantyhose? Perhaps this is how:

We thought we'd kickstart the festivities a smidge early this year with our first Oscar round-up of the season:
· A press release informs us that the date for next year's ceremony is being pushed back to the last Sunday in February. We thank the Oscar gods for gifting us with one less week of excruciating waiting to see what kind of oversized embellishment will be distracting us on Charlize Theron's shoulder.
· Popwatch scoffs at the Hot Blog's assessment that the accelerated polling and voting schedule will somehow "box the Golden Globes into obscurity," pointing out the preferability of the Globes' bottomless highball policy over Oscar's stingy cash-bar for A-list movers and schickers like Harrison Ford.
· The Envelope wonders if Tom Cruise, always close-but-no-cigar guy when he was nominated for those Important Pictures from his younger days, will ever have a decent shot at winning another Oscar again. They decide, for various reasons, that he does not.