In what is certain to be a landmark decision enabling the tabloid media to tie virtually any sluttily marketed celebrity presence to participation in possibly nonexistent amateur sex productions with their poorly chosen partners, a judge has ruled that Britney Spears can't be defamed by rumors that she has participated in the video documentation of the earliest, most penetrative stages of the baby-making process with vaguely vampiric househusband Kevin Federline, letting Us Weekly off the hook for their story that the couple feared the release of a tape featuring their erotic adventures. Chastiseth Lady Justice, offended that Spears thinks she has a reputation to damage:

On last night's installment of ET, the show finally broadcast the magically exploitative centerpiece of their deal to help Anna Nicole Smith extract every last dollar and publicity opportunity from the recent, tabloid-ready birth-death cycle represented by the near-simultaneous arrival of her new daughter and loss of her son, airing video of Smith's recent C-section. Don't worry if you're still confused about the paternity of the child seen extracted from her womb in this (really graphic—please, don't watch it if you've just finished your breakfast burrito) clip—Smith and omnipresent life/business partner Howard K. Stern will be back on ET tonight to swear up and down that the adorable little moneymaker is the fruit of his loins, sworn statements to the contrary be damned.

· Borat goes to LA. The man behind Borat. The other man behind Borat. And the balloon Borat.
· "I am a registered sex offender" t-shirts are sure to quickly become the hottest ironic garment in Silver Lake.
· Tomorrow's election day. It would be a shame if you showed up unprepared, so make sure you review this voting guide before you head out to the polls.
· Tomorrow (perhaps more importantly) is also Guitar Hero II day. Review this video before heading to the store.
· Harvey Weinstein goes on the record to refute the idea that he knows how to properly enjoy himself at strip clubs.

ABCNews.com is reporting that Christopher Walken has chosen yet another project which will accommodate his penchant for taking any role that requires him to don a shoulder-length wig, this time, according to Mötley Crüe singer Vince Neil, playing Ozzy Osbourne in the upcoming film adaptation of the band's rock n' roll tell-all, The Dirt:

When our network of nightvision-goggle-equipped multiplex spies last reported back to us about the moviegoing activities of two-time intramural DreamWorks wet t-shirt competition winner Jeffrey Katzenberg, the bite-sized, permanently V-neck-rocking mogul was helping Tom Cruise boost his opening weekend gross for M:i:III. Last night, one of our operatives spotted him forsaking his company's own, third-place product, Flushed Away, to take in a screening of the eventual box office champion. Our reporter's tale of conspicuous seat-saving, the audience's possibly self-conscious overreaction to Mel Gibson's image, and Katzenberg's obvious enjoyment of the movie's signature moment follows: [Warning: Mild spoiler included]

· Music round-up: Modest Mouse at the Wiltern; Starlight Mints at the Troubadour; Let's Go Sailing at Spaceland.
· Veteran casting directors Jane Jenkins and Janet Hirshenson sign A Star Is Found: Our Adventures Casting Some of Hollywood's Biggest Movies at Book Soup, then will discreetly dispose of dozens of headshots slipped to them by people who've just purchased a book.
· Sometime comedy collaborators Patton Oswalt, Maria Bamford, and Zach Galifianakis get together at Largo, where they'll try to avoid assigning final blame for the phantom No. 2 someone once took on a tour bus.

On today's Oprah (set your DVRs, West Coasters!), legendarily corpulent Scientologist Kirstie Alley, once so professionally hampered by her plus-size frame that she had no choice but to dedicate an entire Showtime series to her inability to get acting work, proudly displays a slimmed down figure made possible by the tireless work of a battalion of Jenny Craig's finest celebrity-starvation technicians. We have to admit that the bikini-clad body Alley shows off is a large improvement over the generously muu-muu'd form the public has known over the past few years, but we fear the transformation is ultimately futile, as the part of our cortex responsible for processing Alley-related visual stimuli was long ago scarred beyond repair by her fudgecicle-deepthroating pay-cable misadventures, preventing any new images of the Fat Actress from ever taking root in our brains.

With Neil Patrick Harris' recent, matter-of-fact declaration of his own gayhood, and the similar celebrity announcements that preceded it, we could very well be entering a Golden Age of Hollywood Gays, where Best Actor winners won't think twice before gushingly thanking their partners at the podium, as opposed to surreptitiously squeezing their names between a rattled off list of agents and managers. In honor of this new time of openness, exciting to just about everyone save for the legions of publicists who have devoted the better parts of their careers to honing perfectly crafted deflections of the painfully obvious, WCBSTV.com (the people who previously gave Scientologists the same flipbook treatment) has amassed every remotely famous out person in history into one exhaustive slideshow entitled, "It's In To Be Out: Openly Gay Celebrities." It's a handy reference to bookmark, useful for everyone from fledgling anti-gay militias looking to debrief new recruits, to fans of Frasier who just needed a quick memory jog to help them recall which cast member actually came out of the closet.

Over the weekend, a sharp-eyed reader, somehow not completely numbed into sensory failure by the recent proliferation of election season TV ads, noticed a striking similarity between a baby in a commercial for Prop 87 and Suri Cruise, the Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes offspring suspiciously withheld from public view for several agonizing months following her alleged date of birth. A trio of possibilities instantly present themselves: a) a politically sympathetic Cruise lent his daughter to the cause (or, perhaps, is putting her to work to help fund his next movie project); b) the Prop 87 folks used the same casting agency employed by Cruise for the Vanity Fair cover shoot, who mistakenly supplied the same talent despite his insistence that the infant be permanently retired at the conclusion of the VF gig; c) all adorable newborns wearing fashion-forward baby toupees look alike.

Because Defamer is committed to sharing with its readers the exciting opportunities to watch Oscar-winning actors enjoying fine dining opportunities with foreign heads of state made known to us by publicists eager to draw a crowd of politically minded gawkers to their lunching clients, we pass along the following real-time celebrity-sighting opportunity:

TV producer Mark Burnett has dug his hit-sniffing snout back into the competitive reality show trough and rooted out another winner: By applying the same basic fundamentals of dog-eat-dog survivalism set in literal and urban jungle locales that made Survivor and The Apprentice such enduring hits and merely relocating them to the high seas, CBS is all but certain they have another smash on their hands with Burnett's latest concoction, Survivor With Boats a pirate-themed reality show:

Borat's popularity grows overseas, with the movie taking in $17.7 million over the weekend at the foreign box office, including $11.5 million at 426 British theaters. Despite the film's instant international success, Fox still has no plans to induce riots in Kazakhstan by showing the movie in Borat's much-maligned homeland. [Variety]
Desperate Housewives is Sunday's most-watched show, but a strong performance by NBC's Sunday Night Football may give the beleagured network the win for the night once the final ratings come in. In the event of a Nielsen victory, NBC will strongly consider shifting to a primetime schedule consisting of nothing but football games (high-level negotiations with the NFL for revolutionary Every Night Is Football Night In America broadcasts are ongoing) and Deal or No Deal. [THR]
Awards Season Art Film Platform Release Mania! The Queen, Volver, and Babel perform well over the weekend, rolling up gaudy per-theater averages at their strategically limited showings. [Variety]
The budget-slashing NBC gives midseason sitcom The Single's Table a no-confidence vote, cutting back its order from 13 to 6. [THR]
· CBS rescues the comedy pilot the The Papdits from development hell, consigning it to a slightly higher circle of its network Inferno, an online run on their Innertube broadband channel. [Variety]

The NY Post reports that Daniel Snyder, the Redskins owner and amusement park magnate who helped suddenly homeless megastar Tom Cruise in his darkest, post-Paramount moments by offering the actor an unconventional exchange of production company overhead for high-profile mascot services, might also be interested in funding his pal's ventures at the newly resuscitated United Artists:

In a pre-taped interview set to air on Ellen DeGeneres' show today (TMZ has the video), Hollywood's highest paid TV comedy star, Charlie Sheen, appears to have found it in his heart to mend fences with ex-wife Denise Richards, despite still harboring some traces of bitterness over that time she announced to the world that he's an abusive, jailbait internet porn junkie and online hook-up addict. Sheen even goes so far as to reluctantly approve the new guy in her life, Richie Sambora:

Whatever we may have said about feeling sorry for the chap, we take it back. A reader sends in some snapshots from his (not cancelled!) show Saturday night at Webster Hall, and, well, let's just say they don't exactly inspire sympathy.

Because young Maddox Jolie did such a good job helping his adoptive mother pick out his new sister during their trip to Ethiopia last year, the tyke was allowed to accompany Mom on her latest refugee-acquisition excursion to New Delhi, where this season's hottest orphans from Myanmar and Afghanistan were on display. Little Maddie wanted to take home nearly every child the duo encountered, but Angelina patiently explained that they could add only one sibling to their family this time, because multiple adoptions would seem greedy and unnecessarily divide the attention of the tabloid press. In the end, Maddox couldn't settle on a single baby that met his mother's demanding refugee-coordinating criteria, so the Jolies left the Indian capital without further expanding her multicultural brood, hoping to have better luck on their next expedition.

In today's NY Times story on the ongoing war between the fiscally virtuous, bottom-line-minding studios and the avaricious talent hellbent on destroying their profitability by demanding extravagant handouts for their negligible contributions to their cinematic product (see: Tom Cruise vs. Paramount, everyone vs. Jim Carrey), Brett Ratner, the auteur who's looking for new challenges after having beaten every box office record of his moviemaking idols, shares his chilling vision of where the film business is headed if it doesn't heed the warnings of other industries at a similar crossroads:

Sneak a little bourbon into that first cup of coffee, have a couple of greedy swigs, and come to the weekend box office numbers with a healthy, Monday-kickstarting buzz on:

· "F You, Redstone!": Cruise and Wagner get the keys to the United Artist kingdom. Our suggestion for its branded monolith. The media weighs in. And God created Paula. "Make the hurt go away, my sweet, sweet Les."
· For their $42.5 million, Universal gets one gay Austrian and zero flammable Noah's arcs.
· Anna Nicole stands accused of child highlight abuse, but not even Mark "All Access" Steines could have known that that was seriously the tip of the quickly melting iceberg.
· Studio 60: Flatlining in the dentist's chair.
· Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe go their separate ways, and an all-new blonde munchkin enters the picture.
· Courtney Love's "Taking It One Day At A Time Tour" makes a pitstop at The View, where hot new group The Defamers opens.
· The tiny mountain climber has been beside himself and refusing to yodel since he heard the news.
· "Y'all ain't listening to this. I'm up here, yo. I vant to drop some rhymes! Ah, fuck it."
· Marcia Cross invited to buy back her discarded innocence.
· Neil Patrick "Not of That Persuasion" Harris would like you to know that he definitely is of that persuasion, and he's about to share some nervous and uncomfortable People's Choice Awards related small talk with Isaiah Washington.

With our minds already wrapped around the sweet, salty release of half-price Cadillac margaritas, we very nearly let this little tidbit get by us: Like the fat girl in high school you could always confide in, People magazine is once again the go-to source for young Hollywood actors looking to come out of the closet: