· On the eve of Rocky Balboa's release, Sylvester Stallone once again tries to mine his fading movie star glory for promotional purposes, misting up over a 15-year-old picture of fans worshipping him at Cannes. [Variety]
ABC greenlights a pilot for the U.S. version of the British drama Footballer's Wives, Football Wives, which has been moved to the world of the NFL so that American men can be tricked into watching it at least once should it ever make the network schedule. [THR]
Jimmy Fallon is red-hot, at least for a single Var story: The actor will star with Sharon Stone in the indie drama Eliot Rockett, then will co-write and star in an untitled, top secret comedy for Universal. [Variety]
· NBC wins the Monday night ratings race behind Deal or No Deal and new game show Identity (think of it as "people shouting at other people"), which helped the network overcome a momentum-stopping Studio 60 repeat in the 10 p.m. timeslot. [THR]
Hollywood Out of Ideas, Basic Cable Edition: AMC will remake the 60s sci-fi series The Prisoner, a doubly unimaginative move when one considers Universal is already adapting the show into a feature. [Variety]

We continue our morning tour of crazy British gossip picked up by media outlets desperate for copy during the holiday slowdown, we pass along this Australian Daily Telegraph item about fledgling studio mogul Tom Cruise's supposed efforts to harness English tabloid-cipher Victoria Beckham's acting talent for a prospective film project sure to surpass the staggering box office grosses racked up by Battlefield Earth:

Modern image editing software allows us to pluck with relative ease the most attractive features from our favorite stars' faces and bodies and seamlessly combine them into one miraculous Frankenstar. In Touch's latest stab at the genre makes a delicious hunk smoothie out of ingredients like Patrick Dempsey's fiber-rich hair, Jake Gyllenhaal's eyes, and, for added protein, Ben Affleck's gigantic chin. And while they see a likeness in the results to ER's Goran Visnjic, we think this Photoshopped hottie bears an almost uncanny resemblance to E!'s Dr. 90210 Robert Rey, leading us to wonder if perhaps the doctor's movie star good looks might well have been achieved by a series of painful, self-inflicted surgeries after he realized none of his nurses or technicians ever bestowed him with a nickname consisting of a "Mc" prefix followed by some synonym for the word "yummy."

At the end of a year in which it would take the revelation that Mel Gibson actually engaged in human sacrifice during the shooting of Apocalypto to top the scandals the Jew-impugning, sugar-tits-slandering star has already weathered, this recent British tabloid report about an Australian woman's claim that Gibson knocked up her hitchhiking mom in the back of a station wagon thirty years ago will probably play more as image rehabilitation (hey, what healthy, horny guy wouldn't pick up an ovulating damsel in distress who needed a ride?) than scandal. Notes Rush & Molloy:

Today's LAT sits in on UCLA's new TV Development course, where Tomorrow's Showrunners (at least the ones who aren't learning the business by experiencing firsthand the severe consequences of botching a lunch order for a grumpy writers' room) develop series ideas and get practice pitching them to a panel of Real Television Executives, who lend some of their precious time on the remote chance they'll hear an idea they can later steal and rush into development. The wide-eyed students, who have not yet had their souls devoured and shat out by the industry, are still brimming with adorable optimism over the possibilities of the grand medium and the valuable connections they'll make during the semester:

· Scary Hollywood Lawyer Bert Fields says that just-shitcanned HarperCollins editor Judith Regan doesn't "have an anti-Semitic bone in her body"—you know, except for the bones that allegedly think a "Jewish cabal" in the book publishing world is out to get her.
Pauly Shore has poor table manners.
Comedy Feature Writing 101: "Think Ben Stiller."
David Mamet explains how Hollywood is like cocaine ("You cannot understand its attraction until you are doing it. And when you are doing it, you are insane"; also, it turns you into a motormouth with the shits), and then reveals the hidden connection between Asperger's Syndrome and moviemaking.
Matt Damon: Angelina Jolie is way too good a piece of ass to be married to the inattentive CIA schlub he plays in The Good Shepherd.

It seems only fair that if we devote an end-of-day linkdump item to a clip of director Michel Gondry supposedly solving a Rubik's Cube with his feet in under two minutes, that we give more than equal time to a video that endeavors to painstakingly debunk his fraudulent puzzle-whupping heroics, even if it was fairly obvious how the feat was accomplished in the first place. We especially enjoyed the Zapruder-quality analysis of the "limping" man in the doorway, whose tragic inability to walk backwards in a more natural fashion unraveled the entire illusion.

UPDATE: A reader informs us the Rule of Threes has already been fulfilled, as Martin Nodell, creator of the Green Lantern and the Pillsbury Dough Boy (who famously joined forces in crossover issue #278, "The Ring And The Dinner Crescent,") died Dec. 9 at age 91.

A reader shares this incredible and heartwarming tale from a Saturday night holiday party, which from this late December day forward we fully expect to be passed down through the generations like that story about the virgin, the baby in the manger, and the three rich guys who showed up with some presents (or, at the very least, like the one about the depressed bald kid with the sickly Christmas tree):

· Music round-up: The Delta Spirit at Spaceland; The Parson Redheads at the Echo; and Hinder at The Roxy.
· At the Museum of TV & Radio now through Jan. 21 is "What the Deuce are You Staring At!?!", an exhibit of twenty-one paintings by artists from the Lowbrow Pop Movement inspired by The Family Guy. [via goldenfiddle]
· Everyone's favorite Home Improvement star not named Zachery Ty Bryan hosts the annual Comedy for Kids: Friends of Tim Allen benefit at the Hollywood Improv, which supports the Hollywood Wilshire YMCA's youth programs. Explanation of where your $500 ticket price goes is here.

On Thursday night, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger met with Jewish community leaders from all over California to celebrate Hanukkah at the State Capitol, and while photographs from the event seem to show Schwarzenegger generally enjoying himself, things got momentarily tense when he approached the Hollywood contingent and tried to do a little lobbying for a close, yet misunderstood, pal who recently may have said some terrible things he really didn't mean. Unfortunately, even after joining some of his guests in a dance to show good faith, the Governor was politely but firmly told the best they could do for his buddy's "bloody little movie" was an Oscar nomination in a technical category or two, and then only if the friend finally started showing up to some of those healing meetings he promised back in the summer.

· The International Press Academy (sort of like the HFPA, but even more international and obscure) presented their Satellite Awards in the Beverly Hills le Méridien ballroom Sunday. Helen Mirren and Forest Whitaker get best acting nods for a drama, while Bill Condon and Clint Eastwood (for Flags) tie for best director, in a contest with a category and winner for just about everything. (A Lifetime movie picked up multiple awards.) [Variety]
· The Black Reel Awards give the most nominations to—surprise!—Dreamgirls, with nods also to Pursuit of Happyness, Inside Man, Akeelah and the Bee, Idelwild and more. Shockingly, Big Momma's House 2 is completely shut out, not even recognized for a Special Makeup Award For Excellence in Fat-Suit Drag Achievement. [BlackReelAwards]
· The London Film Critics' Circle has a massive list of nominees divided into regular and "British film" categories. British actors (Helen Mirren, Judi Dench) are nominated in both acting categories, yet Kate Winslet gets a Best British Actress nomination for Little Children, but doesn't make the Best Actress cut. To make matters more confusing, some 2005 films which presumably got later releases in the U.K.—Capote, The Squid and the Whale—got multiple nominations. [shadowsonthewall.co.uk]

ABC yanks both the stillborn Day Break and Nielsen bed-Shatter Show Me The Money from its airwaves, spackling episodes of America's Funniest Home Videos, According to Jim, and George Lopez into the resulting cracks in their schedule. [Variety]
Bob Yari picks another Oscar season battle, this one with Warner Brothers over their lack of support (quotable gripe: "Someone up there wants the film buried.") for The Painted Veil. [THR]
Judith Regan's late Friday firing from HarperCollins, ostensibly over the PR shitstorms caused be her O.J. hypothetical murder confession book and Mickey Mantle sex novel, leaves the media with many questions regarding the ownership of certain properties, as well as the future of the ReganBooks imprint. [Variety]
The Survivor: Cook Islands finale gives CBS a Sunday night ratings win over football and Christmas specials on competing networks. Unfortunately, we missed the show and have no idea which race finally proved its superiority in building boats out of driftwood and tolerating Jeff Probst's smarmy presence. [THR]
· USA Network beats other basic cable networks for the rights to Casino Royale with a $20 million offer, with Spike eventually bowing out because it ultimately "felt a little gay" bidding up a movie in which James Bond repeatedly doffs his shirt to show off his abs. [Variety]

Chingchonggate may finally be blowing over, but even casual watchers of The View know Rosie O'Donnell's tenure at the yapfest won't be long. Case in point: O'Donnell's rambling diatribe on the alien, rich-lady ways of Barbara Walters (pay special attention to Walters' patented DeathStare), whose penchant for throwing dinner parties not featuring a communal macaroni salad bowl led O'Donnell to practically rally the audience to rise up against her boss and join a people's revolution. Now, a press release from Extra gets Rosie to address rumors that she wants to take over from retiring Bob Barker to host The Price is Right:

Jim Carrey's recent preemptive dumping of A Little Game Without Consequence had us crippled with worry that we might never again see the unemployed megastar's name on the marquee of our local theater, but today's Variety allays those admittedly hysterical fears that a couple of big-budget plug-pullings might drive the actor into an early retirement: Carrey will work again! Probably, in late 2008! As Paramount promised at the time it decided to put Ripley's Believe It Or Not on a shelf until it could figure out how much money they wanted to spend on an already expensive movie that could spiral out of financial control each time director Tim Burton decided to indulge one of the actor's requests to "try that take again, but this time, can I do it while riding on the shoulders of a twenty-foot-tall, solid gold robot? I really think that's what my performance needs here," it's revived the project, adding a writer amenable to Carrey's helpful creative input:

The New York Dog and The Hollywood Dog magazines have named their worst celebrity pet owner of 2006: Somewhat fittingly, the honor bestowed upon Paris Hilton last year goes to her partner in cooch-flashing, pooch-neglecting crime, Britney Spears:

This weekend's SNL debuted another digital short, "A Special Box" (think "Lazy Sunday," but with Color Me Badd and dicks in boxes instead of nerds and Narnia matinees) that NBC obviously hopes may inspire the same kind of viral video frenzy that the network enjoyed with last December's hip-hop ode to the simple pleasures of cupcakes and leisurely weekend afternoons, as they're already offering an uncensored version on their website, hoping to render obsolete the liberally bleeped clip originally broadcast on Saturday night that legions of fans have already let loose on the YouTubes. Above, we share the efforts of one resourceful YouTuber to set free NBC's unbleeped, schlong-positive version by streaming it onto a TV set and recording the result with a video camera; enjoy, knowing that we are probably only minutes away from a lame West Coast response to the video, "Cock in a KFC Bucket," courtesy of some publicity-hungry actors from recently canceled sitcoms.

This morning, embattled Publicist to the Image-Impaired Stars Leslie Sloan Zelnik is one step closer to ordering the hacking off of client Lindsay Lohan's Blackberrying thumbs, as the prolific manifestotard's latest, ill-advised e-mail blast has once again found its way onto Page Six. Her latest subject: How preparing for her upcoming role as a stripper has given the actress a newfound respect for the hard-working women of the exotic dancing industry:

For the three of you whose Hollywood offices haven't yet shut down for the holidays: Welcome! We'll be here with you all week. For now, take some of the sting out of your forced and largely senseless attendance with the box office numbers:

· The Globes Double Dip: The nominations. The Studio 60 psych-out. Reactions and more reactions.
· Gentlemen, Start Your Campaigns: Critics agree on very little except Helen Mirren. A urinal, darkly. Remembering Ben. Little Children gets some play.
· Nicole Richie: Life in the Fast (and Wrong-Facing) Lane. The (accidental) Mel connection. The 911 calls. The RichieTracker7000™. The red menace made her do it.
· More gifts: CAA and WMA get into the iGiving spirit, while CAA East gets the Coby shaft.
· A Spinkin' X-Mas 3.
· We could be Heroes, just not be gay.
· ChingChongGate gets an insufficient apology.
· Sylvester Stallone's guilts you like grandma. The illustrated Rocky Balboa. The embellished Rocky. The Last Action Heroes are still managing to blow shit up.
· The Chosen One at half-a-year: Still gorgeous!
· Look for new LAT Sunday pull-out sections, "Yummy Hunks," and "People I Hate."