Friday
· Music round-up: Sparklehorse at the Henry Fonda; Miho Hatori at the Troubadour;Norah Jones at Amoeba.
· Michael Kum reads from his novel, Corrections to My Memoirs, for the New Short Fiction Series at the Beverly Hills Public Library.
· Best Foreign Language Film nominee The Lives of Others screens at the Westside Pavilion Cinemas, which should make a fine second moviegoing option once you discover that Norbit is sold out. [via Flavorpill]
Saturday
· The L.A. Derby Dolls: Chicks on wheels, kicking the crap out of each other. Yeah, you're totally going.
· Over at Book Soup, chicks will probably not be kicking the crap out of each other, but there will be wine on hand as its authors sign The Bridal Wave: A Survival Guide to the Everyone-I-Know-Is-Getting-Married Years at Book Soup.
Sunday
· Jay "One Punk Under God" Bakker is the guest speaker at the WeHoChurch. He has many tattoos, which we didn't see a lot of in our church growing up.
· Airplane star Kareem Abdul-Jabbar signs his new book, On the Shoulders of Giants, at Diesel (a bookstore) in Malibu.

Quicker than a producer with dreams of made-for-TV glory can yelp, "It's Fatal Attraction meets The Right Stuff, AND...wait for it, wait for it...with adult diapers!" in a pitch room, the rights to a NY Times article about Lisa Marie Nowak story, the astronaut who recently achieved a small amount of notoriety by driving her car 900 miles while wearing the aforementioned adult undergarments to intercept a romantic rival, has been optioned by biosploitation-positive (Pope John Paul II, Identity Theft: The Michelle Brown Story, Murder in the Hamptons) studio Granada America, whose CEO stated the gloriously obvious in making the announcement today:

Presumably a little frightened by yesterday's LAT story wondering whether the inopportunely timed release of Norbit might make Oscar voters a little skittish about handing over their coveted acting prize to a man who's currently celebrating his craft from underneath a hundred pounds of cellulite-scarred latex, the DreamWorks publicity teams rushed this For Your Consideration ad in the trades today, one which immediately reminds the soul-searching Academy member that beneath those layers of stunt-blubber is a nuanced performer capable of an awards-worthy man-cry.

· The London Film Critics' Circle awarded The Queen its top British film and director awards, United 93 best film and director, and Volver best foreign film, rendering us completely and utterly lost. [Variety]
· This just in: The Carpetbagger thinks Swedish people are "genetically cool." (Hey, you try meeting your post quota for an Oscars-only blog.) [The Carpetbagger]
· The 21st Genesis Awards—the Humane Society's Oscars!—announced its nominees. Movies like Charlotte's Web, Eight Below, and Over The Hedge are nominated in the family feature categories. [THR]

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you witnessed Ryan O'Neal's last carefree moments at Mastro's before...the incident.

Join us in offering a creepily lingering hug to this week's sponsors, who constantly frustrate us with their lack of interest in progressing past the "friends zone" and into a more sexually fulfilling relationship. If you'd like to advertise on Defamer and have the opportunity to lead us on in a similar fashion, see this page.

· More on Rupert Murdoch's "Borat boo-boo," a slip-up weird beyond its inherent inaccuracy because News Corp. neglected to mention a Borat sequel while it was bragging about how much the original film had boosted its quarterly earnings, and for Fox's previous bitching that Bruno was too expensive for the studio to purchase. [Variety]
· Julia Roberts will star in the ensemble drama Fireflies in the Garden, which "explores the complexities of love and commitment in a family torn apart when faced with an unexpected tragedy," shorthand for, "My Oscar is feeling a little lonely all by itself up on that mantel." [THR]
· "I've finally admitted to myself that I am afraid of my own lawyer." Var's Peter Bart looks at how entertainment lawyers have scared the town shitless. [Variety]
· ABC wins Thursday night with another great Nielsen performance by Grey's Anatomy, which is on such a roll that the network is considering making public at least one ugly feud from the Grey's set each month. [THR]
· In a completely unsurprising move, Disney is making a big-screen spinoff from its wildly successful TV movie High School Musical. [Variety]

We were hoping to get at least a tiny break from the Anna Nicole Smith updates, but the Random Celebrity Gossip Generator has output a story so mind-meltingly absurd that it bears immediate attention. By our count (and we're including Larry King, as per yesterday's suspicions) there are no fewer than sixty-eight men in the Dannielynn paternity chase now that Zsa Zsa's husband, Prince Frederick Heinz the Baron Krauss von Espy, has officially entered his DNA into the race.

8. For Your Consideration: Jesus
Shortly after the 1999 Oscars, Anna Nicole offered some startlingly lucid thoughts on the ceremonies to an interviewer with a very Jesusy agenda who had managed to infiltrate the otherwise Godless pageant. Smith raves about "the Italy guy"—we'll assume Roberto Benigni—going so far to liken herself to the aisle-eschewing auteur: "When I act like that, people think I'm drunk! But it's just happiness. It flows."

That's just what Hollywood wants you to think! Turns out that linksluttery consultant Gary Ruplinger is something of a Renaissance man, lecturing about fields as diverse as "common snake myths" as well as something horrific called a "pudge pie." It also appears that his little brother will teach you about guitars. Truly, everyone's an instant expert with proper search engine optimization.

When beset on all sides by the soul-tainting forces of mysteriousness and unexpectedness, one can always turn to the reliably quirky and lighthearded gossip-sheet tales of Two and a Half Men star Charlie Sheen's creative sexcapades to brighten one's mood. Rush & Molloy report that onetime Sheen companionship-pusher Heidi Fleiss and a tranny of his acquaintance are joining forces to sell a video featuring shocking new footage of Sheen's scandalous parking fetish:

Almost completely lost in the media chaos following Anna Nicole Smith's death was the fact that soon after News Corp. potentate Rupert Murdoch shocked—shocked!—the entertainment industry by bragging that his 20th Century Fox division had locked up Sacha Baron Cohen for a Borat sequel, the studio had to very delicately inform the world that while Fox loves and admires Cohen and would like nothing better than to lavish millions of dollars upon him for such a project, things were not quite as contractually finalized (the phrases "casual discussions" and "too preliminary to discuss" figured in the statement) as the boss might have erroneously hinted. Following such a public backtracking off a blockbuster announcement, it's not too hard to imagine that an embarrassed Murdoch's vague order to "Make this go away. I don't care how," being taken by an overeager underling as an opportunity to demonstrate his skill in creating the kind of media smokescreen only achievable by the mysterious and unexpected passing of a troubled celebrity.

Any attempt to deal with all of the updates about Anna Nicole Smith's death on an individual basis would probably result in "mysterious" and "unexpected" heart failure, so here's our best attempt to round up the developments for your perusal over your first cup of coffee:

· Sienna Miller is still losing her valiant battle with fame.
· Britney and that guy she dated for about fifteen minutes have "broken up." How much pain can the world endure in a single day?
· Ah, finally, some healing.
· Because we know how much you love lists: Radar's top ten stereotypes in cinema history.
· We promised ourselves no more Anna Nicole links today, but then Gawker went through the trouble of whipping up this impressively detailed obit.

Realizing that we can't hope to be as extemporaneously eloquent as an old pro like Larry King, who through his warm evocations of a "classy" and "fun" (though certainly "not the smartest woman in the world") Anna Nicole Smith, pulled a grieving Nation to his consoling, concave bosom and ushered us through this afternoon's harrowing ordeal, we instead choose to remember Smith's life by looking back at her final, tumultuous year. Take a moment to browse these links from our previous coverage of Smith's tragic (and still-unfolding) story, which collectively serve as a cautionary narrative for anyone considering inviting E!'s cameras into their home—while you're busy with that, we'll be submerging our heads in the cleansing waters of the baby duck-tub, trying to get some perspective on what we've all been through.

· Music round-up: Glen Phillips at the Hotel Café; Bill Kirchen at Safari Sam's, and Eleni Mandell at the Echo.
· Sarah Silverman and special friends do the Troubadour. Is it too soon for Anna Nicole Smith jokes? We're guessing that about eight hours later, it won't be.
· Tireless, consumer-snuggling activist Ralph Nader will read from (and sign copies of, if you're good) The Seventeen Traditions at Duttons in Brentwood.

Paparazzi agency Splash's promise of CPR video might strike you as excessively opportunistic and morbid, but someone's got to step up and chase the ambulance (figuratively, in this case), even when it's most difficult to do so. What really disturbs us is that right at this moment, Splash and TMZ are probably just haggling over the price, with TMZ arguing they should get a substantial discount because you can't actually see Anna Nicole Smith's soul leaving her body.

Access Hollywood is reporting (among about a hundred other sources at the moment) that Anna Nicole Smith has been rushed from the Hard Rock Casino in Hollywood, Florida to the emergency room after collapsing at the hotel.

· More 2007 Flackies highlights: CBS President Nina Tassler picked up the Television Showmanship Award, Sony's Michael Lynton and Amy Pascal won the Motion Picture Showmanship Award, and Bob Barker, accepting the ICG President's Award, reminded the crowd "to have your pets spayed and neutered," though the microphone was quickly turned off before he could go on to suggest doing the same for publicists. [Variety]
· An e-mailed conversation between Fox Searchlight's two nominated screenwriters, Michael Arndt (Little Miss Sunshine) and Patrick Marber (Notes on a Scandal). It's billed as "dishy," but we've read it twice now and there isn't a single word about how Abigail Breslin is actually a 48-year-old woman with a growth deficiency. [The Envelope]
· Your completely unsubstantiated Oscars rumor of the day: Diana Ross has been approached to sing one of the three nominated Dreamgirls songs. [Starpulse]
· Honorary Oscar recipient Ennio Morricone thought he'd never win an Oscar, telling the AP, "I have received so many beautiful, incredible prizes, but there was a little hole. Maybe the Oscar fills the hole." Maybe he does, Ennio. Maybe he does. [AP]
· Our favorite Oscar headline of the day: "Botox-aided pianist: Oscar cocumentary nod a 'gas'" No, we are not kidding. [Jewish Journal]

As lawyers for Ryan and Griffin O'Neal continue to argue both sides of their "You got your pregnant girlfriends's eye in the way of your swinging fireplace poker!"/"No, YOU got your fist in the way of my pregnant girlfriend's face!" debate, comes a new wrinkle to this Malibu tragedy, involving yet another troubled member of Ryan's brood. According to TMZ.com, Ryan had returned from ex-wife Farrah Fawcett's birthday party to find his other son (with Fawcett), Redmond, tethered to the staircase by way of handcuffs around his ankles: