Now that we've confirmed their likenesses beyond any reasonable doubt, the only thing left to wonder about Jonah Hill's planned feature adaptation of 21 Jump Street is whether or not he can pull off Johnny Depp's smoldering charm as Officer Tom Hanson, the undercover cop whose high-school crime-fighting exploits lasted four hit seasons on Fox in the late '80s. Sony, which is handling the movie version, confirmed only to Entertainment Weekly that Hill has been hired to write and executive produce; he has not officially been cast in any role, but if Depp's shoes indeed prove too sizable for Hill, there's always the Peter DeLuise part. Or, if he's feeling a particular lack of ambition, he could try Richard Grieco's doomed Dennis Booker.

It's difficult enough to note the end of another seemingly rock-solid Hollywood relationship when the two parties are willing to at least admit that yes, they were involved. But how does one go about relaying the sad news that a love is no more, when the love was never outwardly acknowledged in the first place? What's that you say? By ceasing to be such a busybody and allowing them to lead their private lives in private? But we simply cannot do that! This is Jodie Foster we're talking about—and her beautiful Cydney!

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

Following a detour in last season's CBS programming strategy which saw the network throw a few wackier ideas against the fridge to see what stuck (Drac Steele, Vampire P.I. and The Singing Venetian, Hugh Jackman's addition to the musical-casino genre, were what stuck), it seems they have returned to the dependability of laugh-tracks and procedurals for the fall 2008-09 season. At their upfronts announcement this morning at their New York offices, Les Moonves and trusty commandantes Nina Tassler and Kelly Kahl made official their last-minute, 22-episode order of The New Adventures of Old Christine, the unlikely story of what happens when Elaine loses her balls and spends the majority of her leisure time bickering with her ex-husband and his new girlfriend. Following them on Wednesdays is a new sitcom, Project Gary, starring Jay Mohr, while another new, single-camera comedy, Worst Week, joins the Monday night lineup, alongside all the wisecracking nerd-geniuses and Britney guest spots you've come to expect.

Some day we'll bite the bullet and experience the magic of the Cannes Film Festival first-hand, but in the meantime, there are advantages to keeping one's distance. For starters, we're insulated from the horrors of marketing rituals like the one foisted on the international press this morning, when Jack Black strolled into Cannes with a few dozen minimum-wage costume slaves panda bears in support of his upcoming Kung Fu Panda. As evidenced by the accompanying video, much hammy ass-kicking and a sort of loin-churning, interspecial sexual chemistry ensues.

We drank too much last night as usual, blacking out and then awaking from the strangest dream in a cold sweat: Werner Herzog was in New York remaking Abel Ferrara's infamous, NC-17-rated 1992 cop drama Bad Lieutenant and arguing with his star — Nicolas Cage of all people! — about the most tasteful way to replicate Harvey Keitel's full-frontal nude scene from the original film. Cage wanted a stunt penis, but Herzog, in his stern Bavarian accent, scolded Cage repeatedly: "No, no, no, Nic. That is cowardly and stupid. If Kinski were here..." At which point noted schlock producer Avi Lerner showed up out of nowhere to intercede on his director's behalf, reminding Cage that if Jason Segel could do it, then an Oscar winner could as well — ratings be damned.

· Get ready for the summer of exploitation on E! If Denise Richards or Dating Nightmares doesn't do it for ya, might we interest you in the White Oprah and her fame-starved daughter Ali? Nothing warms our cockles like the sight of a table full of sycophantic slags toasting a 14-year-old's non-existant career with champagne! [E!]
· What better way to honor Bea Arthur on her birthday than by counting down her 10 best moments? [BWE]
· Videogum is on the hunt for TWMOAT. What's that, you ask? The Worst Movie Of All-Time, natch. [Videogum]
· While the hot Muppet meme of the moment seems to be Sad Kermit singing "Needle In The Hay", we here at Defamer HQ vastly prefer Miss Piggy's tribute to "Fuck The Pain Away." [YouTube via Fimoculous]
· Larry Levine, the recording engineer who helped bring Phil Spector's "Wall Of Sound" to life, passed away at the age of 80. Roll down your windows and play The Ronettes' "Be My Baby" extra loud tonight in his honor. [LAT]

Last night, we tearfully watched as the third season of that Adderall-fueled pity party known as The Hills came to a wisdom-filled conclusion. So what did we learn last night? Aside from newly cropped and suddenly hot Justin Bobby teaching Audrina (and us) that living alone means you can “come home and cook something,” and shockingly, “have people over,” Methanie Pratt managed to summarize the entire season’s course on Lives Of The Blonde And Vapid by telling villainous Spencer that one should always “think really hard before you do anything.” Below we bring you three tidbits to carry with you forever, involving drinking on the job, dieting leessons, and when the appropriate time to “shush” someone is:

As you'll come to learn with our newish Molly McAleer hosted version of Defamer To Do's, sometimes no introduction to the video is the best introduction of all. So, with that, enjoy...

We didn’t think it was possible, but the insanely dateable John Krasinski is not looking so hot these days. Due to an upcoming role in the Sam Mendes-directed Farlanders, John is sporting a nasty beard that resembles something one of the Geico cavemen would wear. And while we’d never judge an actor for tossing out their razors for months for the sake of their craft, this terrible beard inspired us to take a look back at the most cringeworthy facial hair in cinematic history. From one actor’s frizzy salt-and-pepper rat's nest to one mustache’s journey inside another man’s taint, our top five lie after the jump:

A rumor circulating today that Paul Newman has died (gah!) is debunked by Hollywood's Original Blogger™ Army Archerd: "NEWS FLASH: After hearing reports of Paul Newman's death from Associated Press and CNN, I found out that acting legend Paul Newman is doing just fine, according to Joanne Woodward. In fact, he's racing around cars in Texas!" Got it? That reads "Texas," not "Heaven." [armyarcherd.com]

Watching Shia LaBeouf recount for David Letterman the amusing circumstances surrounding his arrest last November at a Chicago Walgreens for drunken, public benzoyl-peroxide abuse, we were suddenly left wanting to know how—likable as he is—he so quickly ascended to superstar status. Well, that's the great thing about media-saturation campaigns riding the coattails of massive summer movie releases: Those kinds of wishes are easily granted. According to a profile in the new GQ, it all started when Steven Spielberg saw LaBeouf's Disturbia audition tape, and instantly cast him in Transformers and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. That was easy! But just who is this charismatic, precocious, and ridiculously named young man? And from whence does he come? Not too far, as GQ reports—in fact, as close by as a traveling tubesteak sideshow in Echo Park:

No stranger to biopics, Leonardo DiCaprio may be in line to portray another 20th-century figure in Fleming, a film chronicling the life of James Bond creator Ian Fleming. Outgoing LA Times columnist Jay Fernandez reports today that DiCaprio's Appian Way shingle has signed on to produce Damian Stevenson's script, which the writer insists is "the real James Bond. ... In England, Ian Fleming's exploits are much better well known. Talking to people out here, no one had any idea that M was based on a real person, Miss Moneypenny was based on a real person." As such, Fernandez notes that Stevenson spent months convincing his buyers at Warner Bros. about the script's "historical accuracy" — which we hoped would mean fresh dirt on Fleming's notorious penchant for rough sex but, alas, seems only to refer to his own Naval intelligence background that informed the Bond character. Hence, we presume, DiCaprio "[taking] the script in a different direction with a new writer." And who can blame him? The guy's been wanting to spank someone since James Cameron cut the BDSM subplot from Titanic. [LAT]

It seems like only yesterday our souls smoldered with the consideration of E!'s Going Postal: 15 Most Shocking Acts of Violence, which featured such eye-popping entertainments as Columbine video footage and Virginia Tech massacre flashbacks interwoven with frequent teases for The Soup and E! News. We could hardly wait for the phenomenon to return — say, with something like ROFL: America's Most Heinous Animal Abuse or maybe the rollicking Joel McHale special Molestered. We'll settle, however, for this Friday's ambitious premiere THS Investigates: Dating Nightmares:

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

New roommates Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson are currently on a jaunt to Europe to shop, enjoy Paris in the springtime and to suck each other's blood. Seen out and about pretending to visit museums while really just trying on clothes and doing who-knows-what behind the dressing room doors, one half of the uber-couple made a wrong turn by flashing the paparazzi some neck. And while we haven't had to don a turtleneck to cover up hickeys in quite some time, memory serves to confirm that yes, one of the BFFs appears to be sporting one massive bite mark. So who's the sucker and who's the suckee?

First things first: Yes, the accompanying new teaser for Woody Allen's Vicky Cristina Barcelona, features about two seconds of Penélope Cruz and Scarlett Johansson kissing. Everyone else is kissing as well: Cruz on Javier Bardem, Bardem on Johansson, so on, so forth. It's apparently the only thing happening in the film, as no sound emerges from peoples mouths when they speak, and no discernible plot line emerges in a minute and a half. We won't spoil the ending, but... Actually we will spoil the ending: Cruz fires a gun at you, the viewer. And as you try to position your head in front of the bullet, you've never felt more grateful. Thanks again for nothing, Weinstein Company. [YouTube]

What is it about London that makes otherwise prim actresses turn into girls gone wild? At last night’s premiere of SATC: The Movie across the pond, sex book author and Police Academy alum Kim Cattrall decided to do away with those pesky accessories we’re all (aside from Britney) forced to wear in public: her shoes. The good news? As Cameron Diaz proved at the premiere of Charlie’s Angels, walking the red carpet barefoot attracts some great press. The bad? Cattrall’s shoe-less night on the town revealed the most frightening pair of tootsies we’ve seen in recent memory, and Kim’s reported late-night behavior was eerily reminiscent of the night Renee Zellweger painted London red last month.

· Paramount bought Steve Martin's pitch From Zero to Sixty, which legend has it he apparently sold with three words: "Steve. Diane. Lamborghinis."[Variety]
· Will & Grace star Megan Mullally returns to sitcomdom playing opposite Alicia Silverstone in ABC sitcom pilot Bad Mother's Handbook. [Variety]
· American Gladiators tanked in the ratings, leading the order, "Skimpier costumes! NOW!" to reverberate out of Ben Silverman's office. [THR]
· CBS gives that show with Christine in the title and How I Met Your Mother full-season pickups. [THR]
· ABC is only ordering two new series, including a final, 13-episode order for Boston Legal.