If you're a diva with an image problem (like, say, Monica Lewinsky or Hitler), there's no friendlier filmmaking duo than Fenton Bailey and Randy Barbato. In fact, the World of Wonder partners have such a reverence for tarnished camp that they once began an interview with your guest blogger by pointing to a half-drank Evian and solemnly intoning, "That? Was Nicole Richie's." However, former Hollywood Madam Heidi Fleiss didn't quite see eye-to-eye with the pair, despite their attempts to flatter her in the new HBO doc Heidi Fleiss: The Would-Be Madam of Crystal. Says Page Six:

Before half of Defamer's staff succumbs to heatstroke, we'd like to introduce guest blogger Kyle Buchanan, who will be joining us for the next two days. Kyle is a magazine writer for rags like Flaunt and The Advocate, though those with long memories may remember his late, lamented LA webzine Ostrich Ink, which Variety called "a colorful webzine that the Library of Congress might file under 'Los Angeles, Living Young In.'" A one-stop shop for humorous nonfiction, Ostrich Ink also featured some of the first interviews ever conducted with Interweb superstars-to-be like Mark the Cobra Snake and Andy Samberg, along with profiles of the likes of Jerry Stahl and Nic Harcourt. Since then, Kyle has kept busy by playing poker and writing for bad television shows. Please give him a warm welcome (and as many page views as you can muster).

With the summer solstice finally arriving in our rear-view mirrors over the weekend, join us in recognizing the first real box-office hits and misses of the season:

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

All roads led to rapture for fanboys (and girls, we suppose) over the weekend at the LA Film Festival, where Sunday closed with a glimpse at scenes from the forthcoming X-Files: I Want to Believe. It seemed a busy enough couple of days elsewhere in Westwood, but it wasn't like there were shrieking throngs delivering signed thank-you cards to Diane English after a preview/discussion of her troubled updating of The Women, or a geek-to-seat ratio of 1:1 at the Melvin Van Peebles event on Saturday. This was the sort of a climactic bedlam most fests save for their closing nights, not the last screening on a sleepy Sunday.

Carlin was a social commentator, an aggravator, and an etymologist, but first and foremost, he was funny. The routine to which he'll be forever associated was "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television," (full text here), which wasn't necessarily his best, but would wind up getting him arrested in Milwaukee in 1972 on obscenity charges, instantly elevating the bit to the pantheon of Sacred Dangerous Comic Texts. The routine's airing on New York radio would later be cited by the U.S. Supreme Court in a 1978 ruling on FCC broadcast fines. No reactionary comic could ever have asked for more.

·An arranged marriage between DreamWorks and an Indian conglomerate leaves questions about the kids.
· Prelude to a Hindi Turkey: Penelope Spheeris recalls what a moody little shit Mike Myers is. His incomprehensible Actor's Studio pep-talk. The Guru arrives! And it smells like lesbian-elephant-sex on ice.
· We hit the LAFF, where Wanted proves just smartly stupid enough for our heatwave-diminished cranial capacities.
· Anne Hathaway has a busy week, full of break-ups, hate-ons, and big-screen bows.
· We sort the merely difficult from the stroppy all-stars.
· We get Dr. Drew on the phone to clear up what's going on with this Tom Cruise/Nazi nonsense.
· David Letterman and Teri Garr, reunited and it feels so good.
· Mashew McConauhdrgrl loses a flip-flop in Nicaragua.
· Joan Rivers goes unappreciated on live UK daytime TV.
· A Bruno release date uncovers the fake Defamer title that accidentally tripped up the internets.
· Michael Eisner's kid needs a Michael Clayton-type, and quick.
· Quick! Can you spot the giant-headed star of Gigli among this crowd of four-foot-tall African schoolchildren?
· Don't bother Abigail Breslin with your demands. She'll wear a wig. She'll do it in one take. It'll turn out fine.
· This is what Breach money gets you.

When it comes to values, there is no better role model than Paris Hilton. The heiress has a love for family members rich enough to post bail money, a love of puppies so strong it’s against the law, and a love for makin’ love in da club with other people’s boyfriends. But there are two things Paris cherishes more than anything in her Barbie Dreamhouse of a world: staying skinny and smoking the reefer. Which has recently presented a problem for the heiress with a heart of gold. According to the National Enquirer:

If there's one thing you can count on from the hard working journalists who populate the infotainment sector, it's that they will stop at nothing — nothing! — to get you your dirt. That's right, you think that Katie Couric is going to ask Justin Timberland Timberlake if he stuffed his shorts to achieve that bulky package look he's sporting in The Love Guru? Hell to the no! That's strictly the realm of nose-to-the-grindstone warriors like Access Hollywood's Shaun Robinson, who strive every day to bring you the stories that make your world turn. Just imagine where we'd be as a nation if someone as dedicated to the pursuit of truth and justice as Miss Robinson is was around to ask the tough questions about WMDs! But we digress. Each and every week, Defamer's Molly McAleer puts together another episode of Dirt Sandwich as a means to honor these commendable souls who brave fierce junket conditions to appear on our television sets nightly. Never forget, people, never forget!

Sometimes we feel the need to get down on our knees and bow down to Mother of the Century Dina Lohan. Not only did she produce the neverending carnival ride that is Lindsay Lohan, but she has managed to do the impossible: get Ali Lohan a job. Sure, Ali was supposed to be a rap star or white hip hop lyricist or something, but a gig is a gig. Proving that one should always be careful of what they wish for, Ali’s desire to “be just like Lindsay” has manifested in the form of a potential starring role in the remake of a 1980s cult not-so-classic. But before congratulating the 15-year old by sending over a giant supply of cokepants and nail polish to Casa Lohan, we’re forced to rain on this pitiful parade by informing you which movie Ali’s Big Break will be in: the remake of Troll. Why this is quite possibly the worst idea in the history of ideas, after the jump.

· Do you mean to tell us that between the combined casts of The View and The Love Guru, no one has the balls or heart to break the news to the Whoopsters that Timberland is the producer outdoorswear company, Timberlake is the singer, and Timbaland is the producer? Ugh, never mind. We can't keep those three straight either. [The View]
·Mary Lynn Rajskub's prenatal cravings to put a .22 caliber bullet between your eyes are getting stronger than ever. [MySpace]
· First Joan Rivers is booted from British TV for throwing around a few colorful words, now Martha Stewart isn't even being allowed into the country. Last we checked, this was the nation ruled by Queen Elizabeth II, right? When did they suddenly lose their tolerance for a crusty old bag? [Yahoo]
· Non-SAG hamster needed. [Craigslist]
· Citibank filed suit against poor Ed McMahon, saying he owes then $180,000. That's in addition to the $750,000 he owes AmEx. This really has gone too far, and if no one else will do it, then we suppose that leaves it to us: Please join us for Live Ed, a weekend-long concert benefit outside Defamer HQ, including performances by Blinded by Thongs, and, um, well that's it so far. More confirmations as they come! [TMZ]

We hope that when we reach whatever the equivalent of our 1,000th issue is — probably Item No. 50,000,000,000, cranked out under duress after a bitter, mop-wielding Coffee Bean barista tells us they closed over an hour ago — we have achieved the kind of clout displayed this week by Entertainment Weekly. There, in celebration of its "New Classics" canon, a handful of celebrities including Viggo Mortensen, Jodie Foster and Sarah Michelle Gellar offer top-10 lists comprising their own cultural touchstones of the last 25 years. And while we might need the weekend to digest Foster's sobering "New Classic Near-Death Experiences," Gellar's gender-bending casting fantasies have our tired, late-Friday minds reeling after the jump.

Martin and Lewis. Batman and Robin. The Captain and Tenille. When it comes to getting the most bang for your entertainment buck, duos always do it better. The same can be said for Defamer To Do's. As much as we adore Molls, I think we'd all concur that something transcendent happens when her friend Kendall joins in on the fun. That is, until now. We are sad to report that the two former besties are now warring. Find out what's causing the tension between these two, as well as what to do in Los Angeles this weekend, after the jump.

Something about a Friday afternoon with temperatures in the mid-90s has effectively turned our brains to hot fudge sauce, so what better frozen delight to ladle that over than the mindless fun going down at starwarscrawl.com. By now, the familiar, receding pyramid of text and score are second nature to you, so go ahead and fill in the necessary fields, and astonish your friends (and us—but that's redundant!) with your creativity. We've already experienced the surprising (Rick Roll: A New Hope) and—after the jump—a bold, minimalist take that dispenses with all the boring intergalactic-trade-tariff details that bogged down the prequels. Now what are you waiting for: crawl away!

What appears to be a very innocent, all-American clip of lush-turned-lesbian Lindsay Lohan playing a game of baseball on the set of Labor Pains kind of reminds us of watching a Disney film from the '90s. Upon first viewing, you walk away feeling warm and fuzzy, confident that life is full of happy endings, laughter, and pretty hair. But after watching it about five times, you may notice the brief glimpse of cock sneakily inserted into a frame by a pervy animator, or an underlying message about females being the weaker sex. In the case of this Lindsay video, we were at first struck by the innocence of LiLo taking part in America's pasttime, but after watching the clip a second and third time, we know our lasting memories will be of Lindsay using a grip's body to shield her so that she could light a smoke (not to mention her jiggling around as she lamely runs the bases). The video and some additional analysis follows after the jump.

Congratulations go out today (we think) to Harvey and Bob Weinstein, whose 2008 Mogul Comeback Tour finds them diversifying yet again en route to reclaiming some kind of surly, deep-pocketed mojo. It all starts on television, apparently, where the brothers plan to renew their old Miramax TV experiment with a full slate of new programming drawing on the success of Project Runway. One show, the late Anthony Minghella's No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency, has already found traction at HBO; the rest, however, comprises a mixed bag ranging from retreads to stillbirths — and that's before we even get to their plans for Broadway:

Sources are telling us this afternoon that the executives at MTV have decided against returning to Las Vegas, the scene of the 2007 Video Music Awards, for the 2008 incarnation of the show. Instead, this year's VMAs will be broadcast live on September 7 from the Paramount Pictures Studio in Los Angeles. While one source told Defamer that it was a case of "been there, done that", a separate source told us that the "very chaotic" proceedings last year had something to do with the decision not to return to The Palms Hotel in Vegas (where, you'll recall, a clearly out-of-shape Britney Spears nearly killed her career with a zombified rendition of "Gimme More").

[Photo Credit: X17]

Though she may not be among the top five searches on Mr. Skin, Keira Knightley just adores getting naked on screen. Discussing her upcoming Sienna Miller lovefest Edge Of Love, she tells People: "I always bare my breasts...It's not like it's only in this film!" Whoopee! Well, not so much. We took Keira up on her implied offer to review just how many times she's stripped down for the sake of The Craft, and have one primary question post-study: having exposed 26 (no, not a typo) cinematic naughty bits so far, are we so sure they really belong to her? NSFW evidence lies after the jump.

Defamer crashed Westwood on Thursday for the opening night of the Los Angeles Film Festival, which hosted the world premiere of Wanted and a whiskey-fueled Broxton Ave. block party to wash the whole thing down. Not that there was so much to digest (cubicle slave James McAvoy meets assassin trainer Angelina Jolie; bullet hails ensue) but we can't deny Wanted is as exhausting as it is kind of dumbly enthralling; for every exquisite gunfight there's at least one baffling plot inversion, and for every potent Jolie scowl there's a grating McAvoy whimper.