· Corey Haim spent an entire segment of The Two Coreys surfing the Defamer comment section and walked away emotionally damaged. But darker days are looming ahead.
· Angelina Jolie gave birth to the Chosen Twins! No wait, it was just another false alarm.
· McLovin and some starlets, sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes some little McLovins in a baby carriage! But wait, watch out for that lightning storm!
· Madonna's frosty marriage to Guy Ritchie came thisclose to breaking down this week when reports surfaced that she's been fielding grounders from New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez. And Lenny Kravitz has something to do with it.
· Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA. But don't fret! There's a Friends movie on the way (maybe).
· We wished the happiest of happy birthdays to Lindsay Lohan and Tom Cruise.
· We busted out our long lost graphing calculator and got all scientific on your asses by examining the comedic rise and fall of Mike Myers.
· Nude Nicole Kidman vs. the fully clothed Katie Holmes proved to be an uneven fight.
· Fanboys from sea to shining sea creamed their collective jeans when Megan Fox dumped Brian Austin Green. Brett Ratner called dibs and already has some erotic literature ready for their first date.
· Denise Richards carefully explained to her 13-year-old nephew exactly what a threesome is.
· At long last, anal lubricant got the recognition it so justly deserves.

If you've looked at the Internet at all this past week, you've probably gleaned that there's something going on with Madonna, Guy Ritchie, A-Rod and, most recently, Lenny Kravitz. A lot has happened in a very short time and, quite possibly, many of you haven't been able to keep up. But don't feel ashamed, that's what we're here for! Just read our handy dandy guide to the action after the jump and you'll have plenty to talk about at your 4th of July BBQ.

• TomCruise.com

It's no secret that Sharon Stone is batshit crazy. But while most people laugh and make snarky comments (like us), the folks at PETA have decided to actually do something about it. The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals organization is offering Ms. Stone one free brain scan in an effort to improve her compassion. And compassion is something that she has been lacking lately. Not only did she suggest that those terrible earthquakes in China were the result of bad karma for how they treat Tibet, she also frequently wears fur. See how PETA thinks they can help her after the jump.

When fighting a highly publicized custody battle with the modeling industry's reigning Good Girl Next Door, it's probably not the smartest move to give Al Goldstein and Larry Flynt a run for their money as dirtiest old man. But that's just what pervy adulterer Peter Cook did yesterday while testifying against original Uptown Girl Christie Brinkley. Providing us with a handy preview of Rob Lowe's inevitable court date fighting for his straight-laced honor, the hottie architect let loose a series of confessions involving adorably vintage tales of web cam masturbation, office sex, and hush money hidden behind paintings. Read on for the sordid admissions that caused Cook to reach for a hankie and cry jurors a river.

America's Got Talent last night featured the truly unique talents of a one Miss Busty Heart—a beloved mainstay on the stripper circuit for decades now, according to her must-visit website—whose act consists of slamming the two bean-bag chairs hanging from her chest onto a variety of rigid objects, thusly inflicting unspeakable damage. In doing so, she managed to shock the studio audience—including Jerry Springer, who you'd figure would have seen an act like this by now. It was all fun and games until she insisted on outdoing herself with a grand finale the judges wouldn't soon forget; unfortunately, she had never tested the "railroad spike through a cinder block" trick before, resulting in an instant gusher that coated the horrified studio audience in a fine misting of 22-year-old silicone filler.

Formerly a featured member of the Rapid Downsize club currently bowing down to newly slim star Colin Farrell, Matt Damon has notably chunked up for his role in the true story of an FBI whistleblower in Steven Soderbergh's The Informant. And despite the part's fun-filled requirements that he stop going to the gym and live on sweet potato pancakes with crème fraîche, Damon is reportedly feeling more than a bit self-conscious about his new frame. While Ben Affleck has taken the opportunity to relive his glory days as a funny sidekick, lashing out at Damon by nailing one-liners like "the man has to buy two seats on an airplane!", chubby Matt is fearing the month of November, when People announces his successor as "Sexiest Man Alive."

In what will easily go down as the Most Insane Legal Filing of the Long Weekend, a male employee at The Rachael Ray Show has named producer CBS and several other staffers in a legal filing seeking $1.5 million in damages for anorexia discrimination. From TMZ:

Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane is the highest paid writer/producer in Hollywood and, as of today, he's also one of the most THC-free. Recently, MacFarlane announced that he will no longer be smoking marijuana because it makes him too paranoid. "One of the last times I was stoned, I was convinced that I would die unless I kept moving my body. So I sat there, baked, waving my arms around like a crazy person," he explains.

It's no secret that Bravo is a gay friendly network. They've got Kathy Griffin, Project Runway (at least for a little while longer) and shows about people getting their hair did. Plus, who could forget about their great big sexy bear, Mr. Tom Colicchio? But if you happened to tune into Bravo on Monday night, you may have bore witness to an historic milestone: The first ever gay personal lubricant ad to appear on television! Check out the video after the jump.

· In a defection sure to cause at least one WMA partner to disembowel their assistant, then themselves, with the nearest People's Choice Award, Ellen Page has left the agency for Endeavor's Ariesque embrace. All-purpose power-lesbian Kelly Bush will continue to oversee management and publicity duties. [Variety]
· Apparently there's a shortage of prestige material so far for the 2008 Oscar race, but that could change just as soon as the Academy drastically alters the rules to give Camp Rock full eligibility in all categories. [Variety]

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by the loyal readers of Defamer. We'd like to remind you that this feature is powered by you, so if you want to see more installments of PrivacyWatch, then all you've got to do is to send us your sightings. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you saw Eli Roth sucking face with a teenager when he should've been watching Schindler's List The Happening.

When a girl's starting to doubt her sex appeal, after a foray into acting that has thus far earned her parts as a back brace-wearing nerd and the part of "Smoking Girl" in something called Whore, there is no better way to regain confidence and prove just how fine you are than nailing a gay actor (allegedly). And that's just the challenge Rumer Willis set up for herself during a recent night out. According to the NY Post, the rising starlet and failed auditonee of Lindsay Lohan's lesbian love lottery spotted boy band groupie Chace Crawford at a birthday party and tried every boy toy magnet trick she could think of in an extensively planned and bitterly fought campaign to pull off the rarely accomplished task of getting him to switch teams.

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

As your mind has likely already checked out for the long weekend, and is far away gnawing on a corndog and oohing and aahing the dazzling detonations dancing across your TV screen courtesy of XBox 360's Fireworks Tycoon, we thought we'd tax it as little as possible today. Perfect solution: A&E's Corey Vs. Corey, an online game in which the original bromance partners—now mortal enemies—fight each other in a sort of Mortal-Flameout Kombat.

Where is Jennifer Aniston? We've been asking ourselves that question for what feels like three whole days now. And we're apparently not the only ones. At a gig in Milwaukee last night, boyfriend John Mayer was pouring his heart into those Grammy-winning sobfests he calls a repertoire when the usual "I want your body!" and "Are you sure you're not gay!" yelps from fans turned from coos to catty. Reports People, "Several fans were overheard yelling 'Where's Jennifer?' and 'Bring Jen Out!' in between songs." Though Mayer got his revenge by boring the crowd to tears with a volatile hate rant against the Internet and all its "vulgar" ways, we couldn't help wondering how long the oh-so-serious musician will allow yet another tabloid-y romance interfere with his craft. Or is his craft only sustainable with the help of all these tabloid-y romances?

It occurred to us here at Defamer HQ that The Love Guru—by all accounts, the most execrable film sediment to coat our cultural shores in eons—marks something of an Unfunniness Benchmark for its dwarfhandling star, Mike Myers. Which got us a-thinking: Was he ever funny? What if we could map the relative comedic trajectory of his collected oeuvre over time and space, in a scientifically controlled environment?

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

With the Hollywood StrikeWatch 2: The Actoring doomsday clock clicking into overtime, Team SAGgy (Jack! Rainn! Ben!) has reportedly asked for more time to analyze the AMPTP "final offer" they've already gone on record as saying they really, really, really hate. Team ACTRAvision (Tom! Alec! Susan!), meanwhile, are set to vote in the virtually identical contract offered their guild, the results of which will be announced Tuesday. From THR: