The Today Show broadcast the first interview in the history of the world to feature both increasingly indiscriminate American acting legends Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino. It was the sole promotional stop on the Righteous Kill "Yes, It's a Turd, But It's DeNiro and Pacino, So Cut Us Some Slack, Jack™" media tour. Talking to a seemingly terrified Brian Williams ("Don't give me that face, because now I think I'm going to be killed,") it was Pacino who defused the tension by offering his best half-assed Travis Bickle. As clichéd as it was, however, just hearing the familiar line come out of Pacino's lips still managed to shoot a faint chill up our spine—though DeNiro is to be commended in showing admirable restraint, and not leaning over to "HOO-ah!" back in his co-star's face. [Today Show]

It wasn't just the Lumenick/Ebert skirmish that took nearly a week to reach the states via specially trained Canadian gossip pigeons. Now we're learning more about the fire that threatened Burn After Reading co-star Brad Pitt at his hotel in Toronto — or perhaps "threatened" is too strong a word. Maybe "damaged an adjacent complex while Pitt's security detail freaked the fuck out" might be a little more on point, according to a report:

TIFF Tiff Update! Via MCN, we've learned that Roger Ebert has posted to his blog regarding the now-notorious thwacking he received at the hands of NY Post critic Lou Lumenick. Titled "An Incident at Toronto," Ebert confirms the NY Daily News account of the dustup, but adds that he wishes it had never been made public. "This whole matter was embarrassing, because it drew attention to me and invited pity, which makes me cringe...in one way I feel sorry for him. He had no idea who was behind him when he smacked me. Now it looked like he was picking on poor me. I have had my problems, but I promise you I am plenty hearty enough to withstand a smack, and quite happy, after the smack, to tap him again. I had to see those subtitles." [Roger Ebert]

“Outrageous humor, passionate partisanship and common sense.” —St. Petersburg Times Eight years ago the Supreme Court chose the President. Now it’s our turn. Read the first chapter of “Mike’s Election Guide 2008” and enter to win a copy of the book. Send a note to contests@gawker.com with "Mike's Election Guide 2008" in the title and enter to win a copy of the book. The usual rules apply.Chapter 1 of Mike's Election Guide 2008:

Having been struck by how much Kanye West looked like a fearsome Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle battling villainous paparazzi ninjutsus in his LAX arrest video—and then transported by a commenter via YouTube time machine back to our honey-sunlit childhoods, when Vanilla Ice dared to ask of the Caucasian hip-hop community, "Have you ever seen a turtle get dowwnnn?"—we were struck by inspiration. Moments later, Defamer video mixographer (with a minor in scratchology) Molly McAleer had composed a mixed-media masterwork, fusing the best of all pizza-loving, nunchuk-swirling worlds. Cowabunga, dudes!

Bravely taking her pro-abstinence, purity-ring-rocking message to the Fox News flock, Jordin Sparks spent a few minutes last night explaining her recent outburst against oversexed Video Music Awards host Russell Brand. The difference between a "non-virgin" and "slut" remains foggy, but, at the very least, Sparks's convictions are burnished here to the fine Murdochian glow that so eluded the MTV class last weekend. The same cannot be said for her remarks on the subject of temptation ("I'm not saying I'm perfect by any means!"), from which conservative firebrand and noted hymen-defense expert Sean Hannity was later forced to rescue her with that metaphorical bucket of ice water known around the Fox offices as "a commercial break." [Fox News]

A while ago, not long after after Barack Obama won the Iowa caucus, NPR put forth a story asking, "Is America Post-Racial?" "Probably not," we thought to ourselves, "otherwise America's premiere sketch comedy show would actually have this famously black presidential candidate played by, y'know, a black guy and not Fred Armisen." Now, Saturday Night Live has reminded us of that musing once again, because TV Guide reports that instead of adding a black actress to its troupe to play Michelle Obama, the show would rather entice former cast member Maya Rudolph to return. An excerpt, with new details from Lorne Michaels on whether Tina Fey will play Sarah Palin, is after the jump:

As Sunset Tans' famed Olly Girls continue their important work somewhere in our solar system—we think they're currently colonizing the first tanning studios on Mars—we thought we'd check in with some of the E!-documented bronzing franchise's earthbound bulb-bunnies. Attendant Amber Peterson, for example, currently manning the beds at their Las Vegas oupost, couldn't be more excited about her obsessively documented date with a certain superstar Olympic gold medalist—and here's a hint: it's not female weightlifting champion Prapawadee Jaroenrattanatarakoon of Thailand. It's Michael Phelps!

Click to viewBoomp3.com Proving that there’s no age limit on sex appeal, Al Pacino had the women swooning at the after party for Righteous Kill. Pacino chalked up his reinstated animal magnetism to the fact that he wears sunglasses at night. Pacino said, “Girls love a guy in shades. True story. I learned that on the set of The Godfather from Diane Keaton.” Pacino also felt that the shades allow him to get away with more. Pacino explained, “I was hugging Carla and I told her that I thought she was Bobby because you know, I couldn’t see anything with the shades on. It was nice.” Photo Credit: Getty Images *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Though Blake Lively has absolved America Ferrera of her notorious, Gossip Girl-directed eye roll (claiming that it was simply due to exhaustion from hours of Traveling Pants 2 promotion), it seems like Ferrera didn't get the "XOXO"-signed memo. In a new interview with Seventeen, the Ugly Betty actress heaps more criticism on her friend's show; ironically, it's while decrying how catty girls can be to one another:

In a perfect world, yesterday's conveniently bundled true confessions by both Anne Hathaway and her prison-bound ex Raffaello Follieri would have been enough to put the lurid burden of their doomed relationship behind all of us. But not only is our world spectacularly imperfect, it's also an election year. Thus, right on cue, the phenomena overlap today in the real-life twilight zone where celebrity-smearing, corruption-fighting pillar of GOP rectitude John McCain can now actually be seen boarding Raffello Follieri's rented yacht. The Nation explains — to the extent it (or anybody else) can:

Party like it's 1998! Julia Roberts made what E! is calling a "rare public appearance" yesterday, appearing onstage at the Stand Up for a Cure concert at Madison Square Garden. "Hello New York City!" she said to the audience. "I cannot tell you how excited I am to be in the greatest city in the world to introduce one of the greatest bands of the world." Then, strangely, Dave Matthews Band came out. [E!]

· On the heels of Land of the Lost, another TV show from the Sid and Marty Kroff kiddie-psychedelia canon—Sigmund and the Sea Monster—will be adapted by Universal into a live-action feature. There's also a live-action H.R. Pufnstuff movie being developed at Sony. Because thinking of new things is hard, and eight post-baby-boomers still care! [Variety] · 'Til DeathWatch: Fox comedies 'Til Death and the execrably reviewed Do Not Disturb were both off to shaky starts in the ratings. [Variety] · Ish Entertainment—the makers of Paris Hilton's New BFF—will now turn Antonio Sabato Jr.'s search for a soul mate into the newest reality dating sensation. Competitors will be put through several soap-opera-ish challenges, "such as re-creating a steamy love scene or skydiving in a gown." Make it a Tequilaesque bisexual love search and we're in. [Variety] · "Rocker-by-day/scribe-by-night" Shawn Christensen—aka the lead singer of Stellastarr—has a $750,000 vs. $1.5 million deal with Warners for his spec script The Karma Coalition. That should make you feel a lot better about not being able to succeed in just one chosen discipline. [THR] · Bravo wants a younger audience, so they are developing a "docu-soap" featuring "hip and stylish" horny youth "based in Orange County." Innovative! [THR]

As fearsome and adorable as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle (his Gucci knapsack is his shell!), Kanye West showed little mercy today as he and a fellow attack-tortoise went about the business of destroying a variety of photographic equipment at the American Airlines check-in line at LAX. His reptilian vigilantism would ultimately get him arrested, but to us, he's just a hero on the half shell! PIZZZZZZZZA!!! [TMZ]

After a battle with thyroid and salivary gland cancer sidelined Roger Ebert and left him without part of his jawbone and unable to speak, he bravely returned to his post as film critic for the Chicago Sun-Times last year, an inspiring feat that could warm the hearts of anyone in the film industry. Anyone, that is, except gruff New York Post critic Lou Lumenick. According to the NY Daily News, both film critics found themselves at a Toronto Film Festival screening of Danny Boyle's Slumdog Millionaire, though Lumenick wasn't aware that he was sitting in front of Ebert, nor that he was blocking his view. Not long after the lights went down, Ebert tapped on Lumenick's shoulder, soliciting a shouted, "Don't touch me!" Ten minutes later, he tried again to the same response. That's when things got ugly:

With his director newly flush after offloading Che during the Toronto Film Festival, did Benicio Del Toro defer to Steven Soderbergh's tipping largesse during a shared men's room visit? Is that the single stupidest question we've ever posed? Either way, there's more, reports the National Post:

There's no good parts for women, the old Hollywood saying goes, and apparently that even holds true for a chick movie featuring only parts for women called, uh, The Women. Hitting theaters tomorrow, the updating of the 1939 classic hasn't exactly electrified the critical community: Its current Rotten Tomatoes score—hovering there like a pair of neglected ovaries—is 00%. Here's what some of nation's reviewers are saying about it: · "It's finally here, and it's a major dud." [Rolling Stone] · "The Women is such an arduous patchwork of 'issues' it ends up a Frankenstein's monster of a chick flick." [EW] · "This new version of The Women fails to celebrate its characters as women. It patronizes the C-list cast of Meg Ryan, Annette Bening, Debra Messing, Eva Mendes, Jada Pinkett Smith, Bette Midler and Candice Bergen as politically correct pawns." [New York Press]· "The Women clangs with so many false moments that you practically leave the theater with tinnitus." [MSNBC] · "The Women isn't so much incompetent — though it has all the visual sumptuousness of a suburban rummage sale — as it is hopelessly tame and muddled. It certainly doesn't help that the movie's lead is completely lacking in the mature glamour that so entranced women filmgoers bracing for a world war, and has had so much plastic correction that her features — all but the ingénue eyes — are immobilized (and this in a movie that sucks whatever laughs it can muster from the Botox-and-surgery subculture). Could that be Meg Ryan peering out from Goldie Hawn's face? Since I have yet to encounter a Ryan comedy in which she fails to flap her hands while pulling on or peeling off woolly socks several fetching sizes too large for her dainty feet, it must be she." [LA Weekly] · "Watching the high profile unveiling of The Women taking over billboards and window displays all over N.Y.C., it's hard not to be reminded of the fanfare surrounding John McCain's introduction of Sarah Palin as his pick for VP. Both are strategic attempts to court the coveted adult female demographic. Both claim to be exactly what the ladies of America have been waiting for. And both miss the mark entirely." [Premiere]

Correct us if we're wrong, but didn't Reese Witherspoon, y'know, win an Oscar just a few years ago? We're pretty sure she did, but you'd never know it from this poster for Four Christmases, the upcoming comedy she stars in with Vince Vaughn. Despite the fact that Vaughn fired UTA and his manager after the star vehicle Fred Claus opened to less than his first $20 million paycheck, the poster still gives him first billing over the Oscar-winning, A-list Witherspoon (and for another Christmas movie, no less!). To be fair, Witherspoon's last film Rendition was a box-office bust, but she wasn't top-billed on that, either: new beau Jake Gyllenhaal was, despite the fact that he's not yet proven himself as a box office draw. After winning the industry's highest award and proving her ability to single-handedly open a comedy with films like Legally Blonde and Sweet Home Alabama, what more does Witherspoon have to do to be called first in the billing block?Is it simply that studios are too terrified to give a woman first billing over a male star, lest people then think the film to be a chick flick? After all, Vaughn's last hit was The Break-Up, the rare romantic comedy with strong male appeal, something that marketing folks might have felt was in jeopardy had costar Jennifer Aniston been first-billed. Four Christmases isn't a romcom but a flat-out comedy, but would it be perceived as the former if Vaughn was subservient to Witherspoon in the billing block? Yes, when compared to Witherspoon, the presence of Vaughn in this film makes us more likely to see it (though still? not very likely), simply because the actor has a track record of enlivening even the most formulaic films with his improvised comic riffs. Still, we wonder just how B- and C-list you'd have to go to find a male costar whom the studio would allow Witherspoon to supplant. In an alternate Four Christmases, could the actress vault over Colin Farrell to claim first billing? Or will she have to settle for a part opposite Freddie Prinze Jr. to claim what, by rights, should be hers?

TMZ is reporting that Most Awesomest Presence in the Universe Kanye West—who just wanted to board his flight (wait, he doesn't have his own jet?) and relax with some electronic Connect Four and freshly baked First Class chocolate chip cookies without being hounded by the vulturous media—has been arrested for felony vandalism at LAX following a dust-up with paparazzi:

Click to viewBoomp3.com Jake Gyllenhaal’s Dog: Hey Reese, do you know when Jake is getting back? Reese Witherspoon: Uh….What? J.G.D.: My dad, Jake. Do you know when he’s coming home? (Witherspoon removes one of her ear buds) R.W.: Sorry. I couldn’t hear you there. Listening to Bob Seger. (Jake Gyllenhaal’s Dog nods his head.) J.G.D: Gotta love the Seger. I’m more of a Springstein fan. Anyways, I asked if you knew when my dad was getting back? I kind of miss him. A lot. R.W.: Well, mommy misses him too. J.G.D.: Wait…whoa..wait. You’re my mom? R.W.: Well, I’m working on it. I don’t want to jinx myself though. J.G.D.: So, no idea as to when he’s coming back home? Can he get e-mail out wherever he is. R.W: Oh yeah. We do that iChat thing with the cameras all the time. He looks great. Tan and all buff. You’d be impressed. J.G.D: So, you’ve been talking to my dad all this time? Not fair. Not fair at all. R.W.: I didn’t know you were so concerned. You’re just usually licking yourself or sleeping, so I wasn’t sure. I will let you talk to him the next time we talk, okay? Photo Credit: Flynet *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.