No distance seems far enough, no HazMat suit thick enough to defend against the radioactivity let off by Harvey Weinstein and Scott Rudin's toxic Reader mess. This morning we're getting an idea of the clean-up cost for both parties — none more prohibitive than Harvey's, who today pledged $1 million to charity if Nikki Finke could turn up Rudin's alleged e-mail accusing him of "harrassing" ailing Reader co-producer Sydney Pollack for a 2008 release date. Even Rudin told Page Six: "That is not my e-mail. The contents of it are categorically untrue." Those gambits could have gone a lot better, as both men were soon to discover.The contents may in fact be untrue — just Rudin doing his malevolent macher business as usual. Harvey's survived worse. Alas, the e-mail itself turned out to be quite real, as Nikki proved last night in a post to Deadline Hollywood Daily. But what about Rudin's Page Six denial? Oh, that? Never mind:

· It doesn't quite approach the C-word magic of his previous sidewalk exploits, but People's Court jester Harvey Levin still knows all the invective keywords that make a lady smile. [People's Court] · What do you think: Is the extra discretion sought by the married producer in this M4M ad damaged at all by his accompanying photograph? Yeah, we thought so, too. [Craigslist] · Hey, unicorn! [OregonLive] · The first Obama/McCain debate drew 16% fewer viewers than the same Bush/Kerry debate in 2004. We think we know where those souls disappeared to. [THR] · If and/or when God forgives him for Towelhead, Alan Ball said he will return with either a screwball sex comedy or a dark comedy with "a body count." Take your time, Alan. [MTV] · The couple with whose car Shia LaBeouf's pinkie had its near-tragic run-in last July will be charged with submitting false information to police. Your move, Harvey Levin! [AP]

We've long wondered about the fascination behind television shows featuring huge-ass families. And uh oh, here comes another one - tonight, TLC debuts 17 Kids and Counting, a reality show about the Duggars, a 19-member family from Arkansas. Former high school sweethearts Michelle and Jim Bob (yes, really) are — huge shocker here — super religious (a.k.a. they clearly don't use condoms) and believe "that every child is a gift to be cherished." They have ten boys and seven girls with number 18 on the way, so they obviously need some camera crews to come in and liven things up. Michelle has been pregnant for nearly 12 years of her life. Excuse us while we die for a moment. Anyway, this will mark TLC's second foray into the overgrown-clan genre. Jon and Kate Plus 8, another show about two parents with way too many babes, has proved successful for the network - even stirring up some controversy from those who believe "raising children is not theater." But why do audiences tune in to see screaming parents and whining tots?It's the "how the fuck do they do it — and why?" quotient. I mean, these people have got to be straight-up clinically insane, right? How do they pay for all of the spit-up rags and dollies and bottles? How do the husband and wife not kill each other after bickering constantly? (Lots of make-up sex, perhaps?) Why do they want so many kids - are they weird and religious or just super charitable and giving? And most importantly: how the hell did that woman pop so many out? Oy. Be the answers what they may, the best part about watching these shows has to be that when those sweet 30 minutes are up, you've got to feel so much better about your own spoiled brats. For your sake, we hope there are only a few of them.

Attack of the Clones: The fleeting chance at tourist-snapshot immortality is enough to roil most of the costumed geeks outside Mann's Chinese from their Yoda jammies in the morning. But Google Maps immortality is nothing less than the Force itself at work — the Dark Side specifically, which commanded Darth Vader from his Chinese perch to a bit of stormtrooper recon down the street at the Kodak Theater. A disapproving George Lucas's cease-and-desist letter is no doubt on its way to Sergey Brin and Larry Page as we speak. [Google Maps via /Film]

Not long after Poltergeist's late young star Heather O'Rourke lodged an official protest with God about MGM's forthcoming remake, we heard terrible rumors from Heaven that she was filing a follow-up about her likeness being used in a "stupid goddamn TV commercial from fucking Hell" (her words, not ours) whose makers she'd like to see Him smite even more swiftly and violently than new MGM hatchet man Vadim Perelman. Today we finally got a look at that commercial, which we really imagined couldn't be more just dirty celestial gossip made up by an ad man still bitter about OD-ing at his friend's birthday party a few weeks ago. But no — it was for real, right down to little Heather's starring role. A digital cameo in the remake is inevitably next, with her screen mother's enticements to "come to the light" met with O'Rourke's cleverly edited, product-placement-friendly resistance to approach anything that isn't Verizon's own "20db hot, true quam." Sometimes a girl just has to help herself. [DirectTV]

Click to viewBoomp3.com There comes a time in every big screen comedy movement to grow a bit and embrace its oncoming adulthood. To wit, frat pack pledge master Seth Rogen was spotted buying light beer at a Malibu grocery store on Sunday. When asked about his decision to go with the light beer, Rogen shrugged his shoulders and said that he’s at a point where he has to watch his weight and switching over to the lighter brews seemed like a good way to get started. Rogen said, “The beer pong tournaments are beginning to take a toll as well. It’s like two or four rounds and then I’m done. Maybe a lighter drink will help me out.” [Photo Credit: X17] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Oscar-chasing Scott Rudin and Harvey Weinstein's convalescence from their bruising steel-cage Reader release-date squabble has left a tiny window open today for other awards hopefuls, a selection of which are scrambling through with varying degrees of aggression. But while the upstart Frozen River (a Defamer Attractions "Underdog" alum) is reportedly the first film to send out screeners to Academy voters, and while the controversial German pick for Best Foreign-Language Film, The Baader-Meinhof Complex, found mixed reviews upon its LA bow last Friday, the real witchcraft is wafting from a cauldron deep inside the Paramount lot. There, we're told, Brad Grey's ambition to exorcise DreamWorks and conjure awards-season glory for Brad Pitt yielded both the lovely Benjamin Button trailer after the jump and a closer, carefully vetted look at the 'Mount Spell Book.Which ultimately amounts to little more than succeeding without Steven Spielberg or Marvel's creative influence. But it will, as The NY Times reminds us, first depend on whether or not Grey can actually make people forget about Paramount Vantage less than a year after the label co-produced two Best Picture nominees before folding into the mother ship. How else to accomplish that, of course, but by courting both Oscar and audiences on the tenets of early 19th-century philosophy:

Have you been losing sleep trying to figure out why the blogosphere isn't paying Ace Of Cakes any attention? Well, put that 'scrip for Ambien away because tonight you're gonna sleep the sleep of the dead after you watch our very own Molly McAleer give the much-heralded Food Network program some overdue love. Tonight's installment of Defamer To Do's can be found, as always, after the jump. Enjoy!· Death to Anders at the Echo. · War As a Way of Life at the 18th Street Art Complex. · Inside The Improvisers Studio: Mo Collins at IO West.

Click to viewBoomp3.com Well-liked movie star Tom Cruise took on the difficult task of escorting the greatest actress in the history of Broadway, Katie Holmes, out for dinner in New York City the other night. Cruise made sure that his beloved significant other wore an outfit similar to his, so they would not get lost in the blinding darkness of 42nd street. Cruise felt the matching shiny suits would help reflect the light in the night as the twosome slowly moved into their awaiting SUV. Cruise said, “I would be so lost if I ever lost my beloved in the big city. That’s why I have to keep such a tight hold of her.” [Photo Credit: INF Daily] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

The Three Fates are almost done spinning the American narrative, Atropos readying her scissors to deliver one final snip. When the story is done the great heralding beacon of the end of days will burn brightly, in the form of a Britney Spears sex tape. Yes indeed the misbegotten pop star apparently filmed herself in flagrante delicto with her old creepy paparazzo boyfriend Adnan Ghalib, and now he's waving it around threatening to release it. How did we get to this point? Well, after the jump we'll take a look at three other celebrity sex tapes that, had our foresight only been as 20/20 as our hindsight, we could have recognized as the end of everything.

Click to viewBoomp3.com High school football coach and digital camera pitchperson Ashton Kutcher called for a time out during the big break to ask his defense line for some feedback on his latest ad campaign. Kutcher was concerned that he was coming off like a slight tool in the latest ads. However, the defense line thought that they should focus on the game since they were only down by a field goal. Kutcher said that he had the game winning play all drawn, but would only give it up after getting some feedback. The That 70s Show star told the guys to be completely honest and brutal with him. The defensive captain speaking for the whole team said, “I don’t know. It’s mildly annoying, but it could be worse. Now, can we get that game winning play?” Kutcher patted the defensive captain on the back and told him to sit the rest of the game out. [Photo Credit: X17] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Sometimes the Ridley Scott sci-fi classic Blade Runner can seem like a film franchise all by itself, what with the numerous international cuts, "no, for real this time" director's cuts, and "no, for really real" final cuts the film has spawned. One thing Blade Runner has never had, though, is a sequel — and that's something the writing duo behind the Shia LeBeouf starrer Eagle Eye is working to change. Cowriters Travis Wright and John Glenn have already scripted studio updates to The Warriors and Clash of the Titans, and at a Creative Screenwriting event recently, Wright said Blade Runner is the next property on their hit list:

We realize that it's not exactly Monday morning anymore, but we're hopeful that you'll find it in your hearts to forgive us for scrambling a bit at Defamer HQ today. Won't you play along as we recap the weekend in which America finally ditched the outdoors and regained its collective appetite for boxes of Junior Mints and huge tubs of buttered popcorn? 1. Eagle Eye - $29.2 million This opening —the biggest since The Dark Knight juggernaut took off in July— officially marks Shia LaBeouf's entrance into the elite (and diminishing) club of actors who can actually open a movie. Just goes to prove that if you pay your greenscreen dues by battling nefarious CGI robots and swinging on digital vines (not to mention befriending Steven Spielberg), you too can become a major motion picture star!2. Nights In Rodanthe - $13.6 million The latest, thoroughly formulaic film from the canon of literary lightweight Nicholas Sparks was a big hit with the older female quadrant. If house porn is your thing, you could do a lot worse. 4. Fireproof - $6.5 million Kirk Cameron is back, baby! We can only hope that his agents strike while the B.O. iron is hot and sign him up for a project that reunites him, Boner Stabone and Eddie Zeff in a Superbad meets The Big Chill type of caper, perhaps one in which they could track down the present whereabouts of hotties from ABC's late '80s lineup like Jamie Luner, Khrystyne Haje and Tracy Wells. 9. Miracle At St. Anna - $3.5 million Despite getting a push from Oprah Winfrey last week, it looks like Spike Lee's latest will have a struggle to top Letters From Iwo Jima's $13.7MM domestic gross. Score one for Clint. 14. Choke - $1.3 million Opening in limited release (just 435 theaters), the latest Chuck Pahlaniuk adaptation fared admirably with a $3,069 per screen average. That said, we have our doubts as to whether Middle America is ready to embrace a film whose climax involves the passing of lost anal beads.

After Meg Ryan spiced up her press tour for The Women by dropping infidelity bombs about ex-husband Dennis Quaid, the only question was whether the actor would decline a rebuttal, instead letting his patented "constipation face" speak volumes. Instead, Quaid spoke out to the NY Daily News, and though he didn't deny the allegations, he did attack Ryan for dredging up the past:

As Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist approaches this weekend, everyone's clamoring to see if Michael Cera has what it takes to push past Ellen Page's preggo belly and Jonah Hill's girth to finally take center stage in a film. But things are looking tenuous for Cera and his "blank Pez-dispenser face," as he seems primed to reprise the dopey-but-endearing role in the new romcom. So will George Michael ever be a star?When Superbad was released, everyone was stoked on Cera and his skinny, off-beat quiet wit. He was ranked No. 1 on Entertainment Weekly's 30 Under 30 actors list. He had garnered comedic street cred from his stint on Arrested Development. And shucks, how could you forget those dimples? He was one of those cool, John Cusask-esque unlikely sex symbols! And yet now, film critic Jeffrey Wells says Cera is a mere "two or three steps from being over." His logic?

Well Wishes: Nine days after the tragic plane crash that left four dead, Travis Barker was released from the hospital this morning and is apparently headed home to Los Angeles. A spokesperson for the hospital told People that Barker was in "good condition." The drummer, 32, was being treated for burns on his torso and lower body at Joseph M. Still Burn Center at Doctors Hospital in Augusta, Georgia. The only other survivor, DJ AM, wasreleased Friday. That same day, he updated his Facebook page to read, "Adam Goldstein [AM's real name] is the luckiest guy alive." Thankfully, both Barker and AM are expected to fully recover from their injuries. Good thoughts to both. [MTV News]

Actors Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds married in Canada this weekend, finalizing a year-and-a-half relationship built on love, mutual respect, and the possession of two of Hollywood's best chests. Many in Hollywood were saddened when news of the union broke, including Kanye West (who once named Johansson his "favorite white girl"), Barack Obama (who had run for president specifically to thwart the impending nuptials), and frequent Johansson collaborator Woody Allen, who promptly ordered his casting assistants to place an exploratory call to Jessica Biel. Said Us Weekly about the intimate affair:

Click to viewBoomp3.com Recently resurrected pop star Britney Spears looks like she has succumbed to her old vices as she was spotted double fisting frappuccinos outside of a chain coffee store over the weekend. The staff at the major chain seemed unsure about selling the second adult milkshake to the recovering singer, but Spears assured them that the second drink was for a friend out in her SUV. The coffee team quickly regretted their decision as Spears pounded one of her drinks like an inexperienced Chico State student at his first keg party. One of the employees said, “I should’ve known that she wasn’t going to share. She doesn’t look like somebody that would share. Now, Julianne Moore? That’s a woman who’ll split a pizza with you.” [Photo Credit: X17] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Perhaps bereft that her former lover David Spade has found fatherhood in the fulsome embrace of a Playboy Bunny, actress Heather Locklear was arrested Saturday afternoon in Santa Barbara on suspicion of DUI. Booked in a local jail and released hours later, the Melrose Place alum was also fingered for being under the influence of a controlled substance (Janet Charlton is claiming that the actress is in the grips of a 20-year Vicodin addiction). While we're certainly concerned about Locklear's health, we have to admit we're most curious about the dastardly pair of eyewear that apparently set the entire incident into motion:

Click to viewBoomp3.com It looks like Grey’s Anatomy star Katherine Heigl fell off the non-smoking wagon once again. Heigl had a good excuse for her return to the addictive habit: driving on the 405 freeway. Heigl had to swing down to Snoop Town aka Long Beach to pick up her mother from the local airport and what should have been a quick trip turned into hour of sitting still. Heigl said, “I don’t get it. I thought we were in a gas crunch and people were driving less these days. Wrong! Nope. Apparently, everybody is still driving and they’re on the 405 when I have to pick up my momager. She was so cheesed off.” With the mounting stress, Heigl turned the only thing she knew that would relieve the tension. Heigl added, “I was doing so well, but I guess I’m not strong enough to face the 405 yet.” [Photo Credit: X17] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.