The Hollywoodland blog digs out its collection of "vintage" Premiere magazines (circa its 1987 launch, featuring Dragnet on the cover), which yields such time capsule delights as full-page ads for Ishtar (the go-to talk show monologue punchline of the late 80's) and Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II, as well as a development report on Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, which was finally dragged onto movie screens by George Clooney three years ago. More fun than five minutes in the closet with the Virgin Connie Swail!

Are we unhealthily, trulymadlydeeply obsessed with Rosie O'Donnell's blog? Yes, we are, and we're unashamed. How can there be shame in loving the poetic stylings of someone who can turn a mundane sneaker-shopping trip to the Sport Chalet in the Beverly Connection, Mall of the Dead-Eyed Damned (and the Occasional Souplantation Patron), into a story of loss, redemption, and generosity?

· As previously discussed, Viacom's Redstone, Freston, and Moonves pull in a "shitload" of money in their executive overcompensation packages. [Variety]
· Holly Robinson Peete joins UPN's Shannen Doherty project, French Stewart is cast in the WB's Best Laid Plans, and Hollywood inches ever closer to 100 percent employment during pilot season. [THR]
· Michael Bay's Platinum Dunes Productions takes up the fool's errand of remaking the C. Thomas Howell/Rutger Hauer horror classic The Hitcher. Scuttle this one now, before more money is wasted—you just can't improve on a bloody finger in a plate of French fries (even a fingertip in chili doesn't cut it). [Variety]
· Tyrese signs on to play the prettiest ex-con ever in Waist Deep for Focus Features. We can think of nothing semi-clever or interesting to say about this; enjoy the link anyway. [THR]
· NBC Universal brings in profits for corporate parent GE with a strong showing in theme parks, movies, and DVDs—but not so much with the television part. [Variety]

Last night marked the season finale of Arrested Development, and the online Save Our Bluths campaign finally shipped its foam banana balls of desperation last week, so there's nothing left for AD superfans to do but sit at the show's figurative bedside and hope for an act of Congress. And this doesn't necessarily mean that the show's already been canceled, but it can't be a good sign: We've heard that Jason Bateman's officially been put on the casting meat market, where he might wind up in a potentially less critically acclaimed, but more Nielsen-healthy, project. Actors can't just sit around and wait for new Fox overlord Peter Liguori to finally yank out the show's metaphorical feeding tube (feeding tubes: still hot in H'wood), you know. They've got living to do.

Running a big movie studio is not necessarily good enough to gain entrance to the exclusive Jonathan Club. Rush & Molloy report that The Club recently gave The High-Society Heisman to Sony's Amy Pascal and former NY Times Hollywood reporter/husband unit Bernie Weinraub:

The Big Three at multimedia corporate behemoth Viacom—shuffling, mummified executive presence Sumner Redstone, co-president/eternal teenager Tom "someone stole the 'gr' page in my thesaurus" Freston, and inevitable worldwide despot Les Moonves—had the overcompensation clauses in the contracts honored for 2004, in which each executive was paid in hundred dollar bills dumped directly into their empty, Olympic-size swimming pools. Once the money was tallied up, each executive received $52 million (Freston and Mooves) to $56 million.* (Redstone's contract, it seems, also stipulated that his ten-person Jacuzzi be filled with cash.)

[Ed.note—Welcome to the Monday Morning Q & A, in which we refuse to tax your brain, still cobwebby from the weekend's decadence, with tough questions.]

The box office numbers that haunt your Monday morning:

· If you've ever wondered why Princess Leia wears those buns, now we know it was to prevent her hair from getting caught on Darth Vader's codpiece.
· Actor Judge "Beverly Hills Cop" Reinhold enters the Academy's version of the witness protection program.
· Frequently bare-chested Amityville Horror star Ryan Reynolds thinks scaring people is easier than making them laugh. Harder still is making them laugh in parts where they're supposed to be scared, but he really pulls it off.
· If having a baby's made Gwyneth Paltrow lose her memory, maybe she can start jotting down notes on Apple's head with a Sharpie.
· A definitive and comprehensive list of African-American actors and characters appearing in films directed by Stanley Kubrick.
· Behold Kevin Federline, master ironist.

Friday
· The Family Guy cast members Seth MacFarlane, Alex Borstein, Seth Green, Mila Kunis and Mike Henry attempt to prove that many animated television characters are voiced by actual human beings (some famous!) as they stage a reading for Family Guy Live at the Wiltern. Coincidentally, the show will be re-premiering on Fox soon.
· There is music on Friday night, in a variety of venues and featuring a number of styles: Crooked Fingers at the Knitting Factory; Dead Meadow at Spaceland; Q & Not U at the Troubadour; Radio Vago at El Cid.
Saturday
· The FAB Market street fair enables you to eat and buy things among the arts community in downtown LA. We are fans both of buying and eating things, so this sounds like a delightful weekend option.
· We always find ourselves at a loss to describe the Create:Fixate's cool events, so hit their website and figure out exactly what's going on.
· There is also music on Saturday night, but in a smaller variety of venues: J Mascis and the Fog/Dinosaur Jr at Spaceland; The Killers at the Wiltern (also playing Sunday).
Sunday
· We're not exactly sure what Earth Day celebrates (we suspect Priuses are involved), but the WorldFest 2005 Earth Day Festival sounds like a wonderful party full of people much more environmentally aware than we are.
· Feel stifled by the Amoeba Records corporate behemoth ever since they expanded to three stores? Go way indie at the First Annual Los Angeles Independents Record Fair at Little Temple.

After a frantic fifteen minutes of trying to pry the "lens cap" from his digital camera, acclaimed director Brett Ratner proceeded to snap hundreds of pictures of a befuddled wire service photographer from scores of oddly-chosen angles. Satisfied that his vision had finally been captured, Ratner then attempted to devour the camera, explaining to concerned charity ball guests that this strange ritual has been part of his process since Red Dragon.

A hungry reader out hunting for reasonably-priced eats in Silver Lake spotted Dakota Fanning, everyone's favorite, eerily precocious child actor (at least since Haley Joel Osment foolishly allowed himself to enter puberty), taking dangerous chances with her health at an eastside eatery.

We've gotten pretty bold over the last couple of weeks after an impressive string of relative accuracy in our predictions. We even called the death of a world leader before it happened! So we'll continue to flex our prognosticating muscles and foretell another baseball steroid suspension involving a player you've never heard of. Book it.

Now is the time when we genuflect in front of the money-altar of our this week's sponsors, for commerce is what makes the world go 'round. And bathroom stall blow, but that is a story for another time. If you'd like to advertise on Defamer and instantly watch your stock price shoot up to record levels as consumers buy your product or service like it's going out of style, see this page.

Along with Star's token attempt at public pulse-taking, Entertainment Weekly also weighs in with a marginally better poll to harvest prospective names for Baby Girl Spears-Federline. We like one of our readers' suggestion of "Taurine," but if we may be so bold, we offer up the cumbersome-yet-prescient "California Child Protective Services Case #67755-A4 " Brit and K-Fed can use that one without paying us a consulting fee, but only if we don't have to bring a gift to the baby shower.

· More on Brad Grey's near-constant studio moves at the New Paramount™: Dimension's Brad Weston is expected to come on board, and Grey might be trying to sign up Plan B, his former production company with two obscure celebrities you've probably never heard of. [Variety]
· If you visit THR's website, an incredibly awesome picture of Knight Rider-era David Hasselhoff beckons you to a boring article we didn't bother to even skim. [THR]
· Demoted/shamed WMA agent Aaron Kaplan gets his revenge by waiting out his recently-departed tormentor and gaining a promotion. Heartwarming! [Variety]
· Gavin Polone's Pariah production company signs a 2-year first-look deal with Columbia, possibly starting the producer-parade to Sony that's been rumored for some time now. [THR]
· Sony buys the rights to the novel Tokyo Suckerpunch as a starring vehicle for Tobey Maguire; the book's title refers to a decadent Japanese pastry that helps once-buff movie stars rapidly gain weight in between roles. [Variety]
· George Bush sends mixed messages about the FCC possibly regulating pay TV; he seems to be in favor of it, sort of, but maybe he was just gassy. [Variety]

We'd like to take a moment to note the triumphant return of Tabloid Lifetime Achievement Award recipient Andy Dick (and yes, we know it's premature as he still has a quite promising career ahead of him) to the gossip rags. According to Page Six, Dick went on a minor rampage during a drop-in at the Surreal Life house.

A mere twenty-two years after David Geffen promised to allow access to the public beach blocked by his enormous Gay Mafia Xanadu, the entertainment mogul finally turned over keys to the gate that will allow the Malibu common folk to frolic in the sand. To Geffen's credit, once he finally exhausted all possible legal delays and was forced to hand over the keys, he did his best to ensure that his Passage to the Pacific is as warm and welcoming as possible for the coastal interlopers:

Defamer is committed to making its readers aware of exciting opportunities for group sex involving at least one celebrity participant. From Craigslist, your internet source for all potential acts of entertainment industry-related congress:

NY Daily News JV gossip Lloyd Grove obtains a copy of the book proposal for the memoir of canned 60 Minutes producer Mary Mapes (of Rather/Memogate fame), in which Mapes recklessly endangers her life by disparaging the journalistic bonafides of Viacom co-president/future global despot Les Moonves: