Earlier this year, supporters of labor mural-hating, child labor-loving Maine governor Paul LePage honored him by having an "Open for Business" sign installed along a highway in Kittery, on the Pine Tree state's southern border. Almost overnight, all the world's corporations except Groupon moved to Maine. But just before Memorial Day, somebody stole the sign—ruining prosperity and the holiday weekend for everyone.

We've already warned you of the dangers of cooking your kid's food in the PCP pot, trying to sell your kid's virginity, and coaching your kid's fights. The latest tip for the Gawker's Guide to Parenting: don't do meth with your kid at family reunions.

It's obviously not uncommon for a barber to cut a customer's ear. With scissors. James Dillard, a 40-year-old barber from Trenton, NJ, allegedly cut his customer's ear in half on Thursday. With his teeth.

Last week, former NYC cop Kenneth Moreno was acquitted of the rape of a 29-year-old woman, though he and his partner were convicted of misconduct and stripped of their jobs. This week, a tipster noticed these posters. [Jezebel]

Former senator and presidential candidate John Edwards was indicted by a federal grand jury in North Carolina this morning on charges of accepting illegal campaign donations, conspiring to violate campaign finance laws, and filing false campaign disclosures with the Federal Election Commission—all part of an attempt to buy his mistress and baby mama Rielle Hunter's silence with other people's money.

Carey Hal Dyess, 73, drove around the Arizona town of Yuma, methodically shooting and killing his ex-wife, her divorce lawyer, and three others before killing himself. The lawyer, Jerry Shelley, was killed while packing his office. Today was retirement day.

A train derailed in Taunton, Massachusetts yesterday after thieves apparently used a blowtorch to steal two 8-foot, 900-lb chunks of solid steel track. Luckily, the train was moving slowly when the conductor hit the brakes, so no one was injured. Though this crime initially baffled me (what the hell would you do with a 900-lb railroad track?) Taunton's police chief barely batted an eye:

Attorney general Eric Holder has come out in favor of reduced sentences for thousands of people currently imprisoned on nonviolent crack cocaine convictions. (A recent law corrected the insane sentencing disparity between crack and powder cocaine; Holder is simply recommending that the new sentencing guidelines be applied to some people already in jail.) That's a great first step. Then can we let out all the other drug war victims, too?

That was quick. Just yesterday, Joshua Kaufman posted covertly-taken pictures of the guy who had his stolen laptop to Tumblr. Looks like cops have arrested the potential thief.

First, Dominique Strauss-Kahn allegedly sexually assaulted a housekeeper at Manhattan's Sofitel. Then, an Egyptian big shot allegedly sexually assaulted a maid at The Pierre. And before that, there was probably plenty of other inappropriate cock-waving towards hotel staffers which we'd rather not even think about, as well. Now, the WSJ reports, both of those hotels have agreed to give all their room attendants "panic buttons."

If you're a fugitive, it's probably in your best interests to keep that a secret from people you encounter. Like Richard R. Vermalyea, 32, of Rehoboth, Delaware, who kept the two warrants out for his arrest a secret when he checked in to the Traveler's Motel in Delmar, Maryland. Unfortunately for Vermalyea, however, his secret did not last for very long. Because his neighbors "heard a man yelling during a phone conversation that there was a warrant for his arrest and called police."

This weekend a pair of bank robbers in the Chicago area used nun masks to disguise themselves, the same ones that Ben Affleck and his crew wore to rob banks in the 2010 movie The Town.

San Francisco designer Joshua Kaufman's laptop was stolen on March 21st, 2011 from his apartment in Oakland. Now he's posted pictures his computer secretly snapped of the thief. Vigilante justice awaits!

If you haven't been reading the New York Post's coverage of Dominique Strauss-Kahn, well, then you really should be. The DSK story was tailor made for the Post: Snooty, filthy rich Frenchman allegedly sexually assaults a hotel maid in AMERICA. How does that sit with your Freedom Fries?

As former IMF head Dominique Strauss-Kahn spruces up his $50,000 a month Tribeca townhouse with the finest, Kevlar-reinforced patio umbrellas money can buy, we bring you yet another disturbing report of an arrest in connection with an alleged sex attack on a Manhattan luxury hotel worker by an international financier.

An 85-year-old woman walking near her home on the Upper East Side of Manhattan was dragged by her neck and forced to perform oral sex on her attacker in a stairwell on 83rd St. She's in stable condition at a nearby hospital, but her attacker is still at large; police spent Monday driving vans "equipped with loudspeakers blaring the suspect's description" around the neighborhood. He's said to be "a light-skinned Hispanic man, 25-30 years old." [WPIX]

In Bangladesh, a Weinergate very different from the one preoccupying America's Twitternet has emerged. There, a woman cut off her neighbor's penis after he allegedly broke into her house and tried to rape her.

If your media-given surname is "burglar" or "bandit," and you've been spending your days actually engaged in the practices of burglary or banditry, then you're probably pretty depressed right now! Unless you're dead.

In sunny Palm Bay, Florida, prosecutors have charged Walmart shopper Nuha Mohammed Al-Doaifi with a hate crime after she allegedly admitted to cops that she spat on several fellow bargain hunters because "Americans are pushing us around." Even worse: a judge has barred her from shopping at Walmart while her charges are pending.

Sue Ann Marcum, a 52 year-old professor at American University, was found murdered in her home in the DC suburbs last year. The prime suspect in the case is Jorge Rueda Landeros, a yoga instructor who has now reportedly fled to Mexico. But that hasn't stopped him from making beautiful, fugitive poetry.