No, without video, we suppose there's no way we can know for sure that the slurry, off-key karaoke warbling attributed to Tara Reid is actually hers (from a performance at Sundance this year, we're told), but we're willing to take it on faith that the stunning sounds we're hearing were emitted from Reid's golden throat. (Those obsessed with the forensic examination of all available audio evidence can compare this recording to her infamous Endless New Year's Eve Countdown in Chicago.) Truly, never have the lyrics "every now and then I fall apart" been delivered with such poignancy.

Steve Jobs must have overheard the speculation that one day he, like Bill Gates, will get tired of calling the shots. After he presumably bit the jugular of whichever aide suggested he relax, he went on a roaring rampage over the past few weeks, wrangling with the SEC, telling fanboys that they'll use Cingular and they'll like it dammit, blaming bad education on teachers' unions, and asking for DRM's head on a platter. Soon he'll throw down onstage with Old Man Gates. By the way, what's Jobs's co-founder Steve Wozniak doing? Well, other than reading his book at town council chambers and buying a semiconductor foundry, not much. But dig this clip of his 1983 commercial for a slick Datsun.

When news breaks all sorts of "professionals" with "qualifications" show up on television, offering their "expert analysis." But we've often found that the man or woman on the street is just as wise as these self-appointed pundits. In order to get to the bottom of the recent events concerning Britney Spears, we sent The Assimilated Negro and Gawker videographer Richard Blakeley out to the gritty streets of SoHo to solicit your opinions. These are your stories.

By way of update on the Anna Nicole Smith situation: Yes, still dead, as the voodoo priestess that TMZ has contracted to temporarily resurrect her, Weekend at Bernies II style, to lead them to Dannielynn's real father has so far failed to achieve any positive results with his black magic. Until their midwife of darkness succeeds in reviving Smith, they'll have to settle for Anna Nicole living on only by means of the constantly surfacing videos like the one that aired on Fox News Channel last night, reminding us of the tragic starlet's endearing love of heavily self-medicated clowns.

What happens when Forbes managing editor Dennis Kneale is forced to go one week without email, a cell phone, or his BlackBerry? The "Today Show" put him to the test. The result? Tears. (Within 40 hours!) Also laughter, but only on our part.

So, everyone heard our columnist, The Assimilated Negro, giving his version of amorous events on his blind date at White Castle on Valentine's Day. But what did his date think? Gawker videographer Richard Blakeley did the dirty work.

Here's an example of how an offhand remark can quickly escalate into something awkward—or worse. On this morning's "Today Show," Meredith Vieira and the kids were talking about Tim Hardaway, the former NBA player who isn't super fond of the gays. One thing leads to another, and all of a sudden we're talking about tire marks on Al Roker's butt. Nobody tell the dude from TV on the Radio.

Yes, Gmail is now open to all comers — invitations not required. You can even get it if you're unfortunate enough to live in "a swath of Asian and South American countries where the Mountain View-based company previously limited the number of users." That's no reason to create a promotional clip that's among the most inane things ever posted to Youtube, which is a momentous achievement in its own right.

We know how yesterday's Pinup Gallery got you all hot and bothered. Wouldn't it be great if there were some kind of "making of" video to give you a peek behind the scenes? Guess what, there is! Thanks to the special videographic talents of Nick McGlynn and some fine editing work from Richard Blakeley, you can actually hear what Julia and Brooke sound like. Although we can imagine how that might be a turnoff.

Proving that diagrams really are the universal language, enjoy this variation on the PC-Mac ads, with international flava.

Because Valentine's Day (yes, it's today—remind your married boss to send you out to obtain enough champagne to fill his Jacuzzi, which should probably buy him another year of boning the second assistant before divorce papers are filed) is a celebration of love, we pass along this video of a Saturday night Comedy Store quarrel between accused joke appropriator Carlos "Mind Of" Mencia and comedy repo man Joe "I'm A Famous Multi-Millionaire" Rogan, who finally have it out over Mencia's utter inability to get a laugh with other comics' material. Yes, their bickering gets quite heated and loud at times (and goes on at length—make liberal use of the fast-forward function of the YouTube slider bar), but one can't ask that such passion be expressed quietly. Happy Valentine's!

If you watch only one video of a fading actress behaving in a suspiciously loopy fashion while presiding over a Berlin charity auction, make it this one, in which Sharon Stone warns her Cinema for Peace Gala audience of "naughty Germans" that almost any movement on their part will result in a bid. At first, we thought it was the lovely Teutonic lasses sharing the stage with Stone that were on offer, but upon dozens and dozens of subsequent viewings, we've deduced that they're holding up a large sign reading "Bed the Crazy Auction Hostess" in German.

It's late in the day, so our resistance to superannuated, frequently beturtlenecked producer Robert Evans' trademarked hypnotic, question-and-answer cadence ("Am I lulling you into a trance-like state right now with the sound of my voice? You bet. Is there anything you can do to stop me? Think again, Trixie. Now do me a favor. Hit that button next to the waterbed that says "The Perfect Storm" and get ready to be capsized by a tidal wave of love, baby.") is dangerously low, but in watching this video clip pimping his in-progress second memoir, we think Evans just admitted that he nearly consented to marry Val Kilmer. Would he have married good ol' Val in the sexual sense? No way, Mary. The Kid ain't no fruitcake, even for a capital-s Star like Mr. Kilmer.

Watch the above video if you must — D7TV's Sarah Meyers hits this past weekend's party for "natural language" search engine Powerset. Best quotes:

Girl 1: (gestures grandly) Powerset is going to transform the search industry. (uncertain pause) I was told to say this.
Meyers: They were telling me that the Internet is going to be like a person.
Girl 1: YES!!!
Meyers: But you know? I don't really believe that Powerset's going to be a like a person. (turns to other girl) Do you think it's going to be like a person?
Girl 2: (befuddled) No ... (more strongly) NO!

Actually, no, wait — here's the best quote, from comments at Techcrunch:

We're not sure what motivates venture capitalists to engage in such humiliating spectacle. Ours is not to reason why a group of folks with billions at their disposal must sing a cappella to party guests. Not sure who this magical duo is (help?), but the gig went down last November at the home of Sequoia's Pierre Lamond, as recorded by Roelof Botha. If the above isn't to your taste (despite bonus flash of Youtubers Chad Hurley and Steve Chen, consider "Blue Moon," "Forever & Ever Amen," "Mambo #5," or "So Happy Together."

UPDATE: It appears Roelof Botha took all his clips private, sad to say.

That's just what Hollywood wants you to think! Turns out that linksluttery consultant Gary Ruplinger is something of a Renaissance man, lecturing about fields as diverse as "common snake myths" as well as something horrific called a "pudge pie." It also appears that his little brother will teach you about guitars. Truly, everyone's an instant expert with proper search engine optimization.

"Hi. My name is Gary Ruplinger. You've probably never heard of me. And that's not an accident." No fucking kidding. Unfortunately for you, dear readers, that's about to change. Ruplinger, a self-styled search engine optimization svengali, comes to us by way of Pronet and a small swarm of moderately angry bees tipped over by Jason Calacanis. Ruplinger advocates gaming social media sites any way you can, a la multiple Digg accounts or other skullduggery, in order to get maximum linkwhoreage. But really, it's all in the delivery: the reedy voice, the offensive goatee, the uncontrollable facial twitch. Note the misspelling of "blueprint" in the first appearance of his site logo. Enjoy, if you dare.

• Inside The 'Lost' Writers Room [Defamer]

To supplement the Survival Guide intended to get Lost fans up to speed on this season's intricately plotted story lines following the prolonged hiatus that finally ends tonight, ABC has just released this behind-the-scenes video clip of the show's writers' room, hoping that offering a glimpse into the hit series' creative process will make for a more fulfilling experience for its loyal viewers. As Lost's detail-obsessed producers are wont to hide clues in the show's promotional materials, we'd encourage everyone to pay close attention to the magical, top-hat-wearing turtle on the index card, which almost certainly will play a crucial role in unlocking all of the mysterious island's secrets over the course of the next 16 episodes.